Grief and Conflict

We are humans, all of us.  Regardless of our spiritual paths or our religious beliefs, we are not immune to the truth that death is a part of our experience.  We will all lose people we love and we will all have to work through our grief over those losses.  None of us get a pass on this in life.  

Seventeen days ago, my younger brother died unexpectedly and suddenly.  We have shared more than one lifetime together, as well as our bloodline.  I loved Him and we had conflict between us, and we stopped working on our relationship about two decades ago.   

Sometimes we will lose someone we love without warning, with no time to prepare or to say our farewells.  And as is the nature of relationships, either family or lovers or friends, sometimes that loss will be of one with whom we have conflict.  Love and conflict are more often companions than mutually exclusive conditions.  For conflict with one we do not love is often reason enough to walk away from another person but, we will persist in spite of conflict if we love another.  And so, grief is often complicated by unresolved conflict with the one we loved and lost. 

We each grieve in our own way, and in our own time.  For me it is a delayed experience.  For the first two weeks, my perception of reality was surreal, often blurry and out of proportion.  Then life became normal again and my grief began to visit me at night.  When all is quiet and my mind can identify what my heart and soul are actually grieving and, my heart and soul can feel that grief, it is the conflict that I feel, and the pain of that conflict and the anger that it exists. 

Another conflict that accompanies grief is that in moments of unexpected emotional crisis, old habits of behavior, old patterns of relating within the family, reassert themselves.  Conscious effort is required to recognize these habits and patterns and to re-establish newer skills and ways of being.  It challenges my sense of self, and forces me to reexamine my relationships with those whom I love who remain.

I have work to do.  Including the work of reaching out to Him whom I have lost to assist in what way I can, and to ask Him to work with me to make some peace between us before the next life we share.  May our Ancestors and my Gods and Allies bless us and assist us in this work.  Blessed be. 

Despair is the enemy of change...

This past week has been a difficult one for many, including me.  First there was the shock of the shooting itself.  Then came the grief and anger and fear, the frustration and desire for retribution, and the insult of erasure.  

   

The sheer stupidity and incredible ignorance of the public discourse was almost unbearable if you even bothered to listen, which truth be told, I did not. Because I knew it would be dreadful and I refused to subject myself to it.  But I am aware of the effect it had on those I love.

I do not advocate willful ignorance.  Hiding one’s head in the sand is not a practical solution to the ills of our world but, I can spend five minutes a day in research to discover the facts of what happened and to get confirmation that the reactions of the ignorant and hateful factions of our society are indeed what I had suspected they would be.  I refuse to spend the precious substance of my life, my time, exposing my soul to the wasteful and damaging effects of hate-speech.

I am angry that someone massacred forty-nine people.  Forty-nine of my fellow humans died for no other reason than the hate of another damaged human.  I am angry that those who have a voice are ignoring the fact that those who died were members of a community that has historically been targeted for violence and that has not been protected by those who are entrusted with the defense of the people.

I have loved ones who have been a part of that community for decades.  I too identify as a member of that community, I identify as Queer, although I am not seen as such by almost anyone.  I am angry at the erasure of identity being practiced by those with a public voice in the discourse surrounding this tragedy. 

But the worst thing of all to me is the despair I witness in the hearts and souls of those whom I love.  Two beloveds in particular have spoken words of despair this week, one young and straight, the other gay and middle-aged.  Despair does not discriminate.

Despair is the enemy, make no mistake.  It is normal and natural and completely understandable and I do not ridicule my beloveds, for their despair is a familiar shadow.  But Hope is needed and Faith is necessary.  We cannot affect change, and we need change, if we hold no Hope.  Despair robs us of our will, our energy, our purpose and our joy.

I know the world is a dangerous place.  I know that much of our society is ignorant and operating from a place of fear and hatred.  I know that much of our human race is ill and damaged.  But I believe that we are not beyond Healing, that we are not beyond Hope.

I have Faith that the majority of the human race is not represented by the voices shouting hatred at the top of their lungs.  Indeed those voices are so loud that they all but drown out the voices of our higher angels with their “Sound and Fury”.  But they are indeed idiots and their words signify nothing.  I have Faith that we can continue to affect change, and healing and the positive evolution of our species and our society if we keep working, struggling, fighting, believing.  I believe that we can indeed re-enchant the world so long as we do not give up Hope.

I am not delusional, although I may be stubborn.  And if the world chooses to see me as simple or sentimental because I choose Hope and Faith, so be it but, I will not despair, for despair is the enemy of change and I am a champion of Hope.  

On the power and necessity of Water...

My body needs water.

I need to drink water to keep my body clean inside, to keep it healthy and strong, to keep it clear of toxins and stagnation.  I need to have clean water flowing through me to be well.

I need water flowing over my body.  I need it to flow over my hands and my feet to clear off the detritus that clings after walking about in the world.  I need it to clear my subtle bodies of the stuff of life that does not nurture.

I need it flowing through my heart, mind and soul, and from my heart, mind and soul.  I need it to flow like the river, so that the pressure does not become too great and burst the container, so that it does not stagnate and become toxic.

Water is the universal solvent.  It cleans away detritus and toxins and stagnation.  Flowing, it has strength and force that can accomplish great movement and change.  It carves and wears and shapes and moves all that it comes in contact with.  It is the most fluid and mutable and yet tangible element of all.

I am mist and rain and torrent and snowfall…and I am the river and the lake…and a wave in the universal Ocean.

Water is Life.

Christmas is Magick...

I grew up celebrating Christmas.  Christmas Eve was always a most magickal moment in time to me.  And while most of my life it was also a time of sadness (I did not truly understand why until recently) the magick of it is something that I cannot and will not forsake. 

I celebrate Yule, the Return of the Light but, I believe that the magick that follows a few days after is incredibly powerful.  Christmas enchants people.  People who cannot find enchantment in their world for most of the year can still find hope of it in that moment.  And that hope is a priceless treasure.

Our world needs all the magick it can find.  Our people (human people) need all the magick and hope they can glean from anywhere they can find it.  There is so much hopelessness and sorrow in this world, there is so much grief and despair, there is so much pain and sadness, there is so much anger and rage in the hearts and souls of so many of my kin (humans and others). 

People I love are in pain and it breaks my heart to see them so.  So tonight I will leave you with this one thought.  Love is real, magick is real, we are not beyond hope, we are not beyond healing. We can find our way if we just keep seeking.  Love is the law, may it reign forever.

Much love to you, blessed be.

Secrets

Secrets are powerful things.  Some are wonderful, like the ones we shared with our closest and dearest friends or our siblings in childhood.  Or the ones we share with lovers, about our hopes and our dreams. Some are filled with magick we share with the Spirits and the Gods.

But the ones we do not share with anyone, those are the most powerful secrets of all.  Those are the secrets that can empower our greatest magick, or destroy us.

If we can find the keys and the courage to see them, to know them, they can teach us to know who we are and how to live all that we are.  They can help us to find our power and to learn to use that power. 

The ones we refuse to see, the ones we hide from, will keep us imprisoned in tombs that we will never escape.  They will keep us from the life we are here to live.  They will keep us invisible until we eventually fade away, leaving no trace that we were ever even here.  They will destroy our ability to live, to love or to create any magick at all. 

That idea is terrifying.  The only thing more frightening is the idea of actually acknowledging those secrets.  The things we don’t ever talk about.  The voices in our head that we have heard all our lives, and the words that they scream in the long dark night.  The images that we see in our mind’s eye that we want so desperately to forget.  The memories of things we have done and the things we have wished for with all of our being.  The desires of our inner selves that we could never dare to live.  The things that we are absolutely sure if anyone knew, they would forsake us forever.

But no matter what the shadows tell us, those secrets are ours and if we can reclaim them, they will not destroy us.  If we can brave our deepest fears and embrace our secrets, they can unlock our power to live our lives with magick we have never imagined, and to be happy beyond our deepest hopes. 

Find the Secrets you keep, and listen to the whispers of your soul.  Live.

Retrieving pieces of the Soul

Playing with the North Wind by Susan Sedon Boulet

Yesterday I drove to Maryland to see a beautiful young woman who works as a Shaman.  She is also a trained psychologist but, it is her relationships with the Spirits and her skills as a healer that were the impetus for my making the two and a half hour drive after working for five hours at the end of a long week.  The resulting ritual was well worth the drive and more.

We had discussed my reasons for seeing her when we made the appointment, but when I arrived we talked about the things that I have done and learned since our last conversation.  When we went to her ritual room, I was immediately comfortable.  She explained her process and invited me to lie on the floor on a deer skin she had laid out for that purpose (deer are facilitators of transformation and it is an old practice).

 Then she began to call the Quarters and the Elements and the Earth Mother and the Ancestors and the Fae and the Spirits of place, and the Deities with whom she works.  Her voice singing clear and bright, they answered and came to the place to assist her in my healing.

She merged with Bear and began working at the place of my ancestors.  Her rattle moving in a rhythm that spoke to me on a level that I have rarely attained in the company of another person.  She asked me about the Large Black Cat at my feet and I told her that Pwca has been known to travel to me when there is something he wishes to participate in.

She described a Grandfather whom I have not met but, who was familiar and comfortable to me.  She used her drum to follow him deeper into Annwfn and He led her through tunnels (my ancestors were coal-miners) to find a piece of me that had been separated (compassion) and she returned it to me by blowing it into my heart and my head.  She then placed a large piece of black tourmaline at my feet. I find it interesting that the grief I feel over the loss of my children during their childhood is shared with my ancestors.

She then began to work on my root charkha discovering and removing the barbed wire that was wrapped around it and placing two pieces of red jasper on either side of my hips. 

She re-connected the three separate lights that are my sacral charkha and placed a large piece of polished carnelian over my womb. 

The message I received from her after working on my solar plexus is that it is strong when used to support me or to push me forward to do my work but, that I have kept it trapped rather than expressing it into the world.  There she placed a piece of bright yellow, sparkling sulfur.

When she began to work on my heart, my Patron came to sit beside me facing her with my heart between them.  She carefully examined the boxes she found there.  Some so old and untouched that they are locked and dusty and covered in spiders webs.  Gwynn would have had her break into each one (He can be a bit demanding at times) but, she knew that it needs to be done gently and not all at once.  This is work I need to do.  So she placed a smooth, oval, red and green stone over it after letting in as much sunlight as she could.

After the work on my heart I began to feel cold and my body began to convulse occasionally.  She made no comment to indicate that was concerning to her and so I did not feel a need to close down.  I wept occasionally as we discussed the damage and the work I need to do, and again, she seemed unconcerned and so I allowed it to happen as it would.  My ears began to hear a rushing sound and my body felt buzzing and I felt dizzy.  All of these are signs to me that energy is moving and healing is occurring in a profound way.

When she worked on my throat, she found “bobby-pins” at the back of my neck.  She thought she had used the wrong word but, I know she did not as those are things I associate with my mother and her desire that I be a “good girl” never “TOO LOUD or TOO BIG”.  She removed them and placed a piece of celestite beside my throat. 

After she worked on my third eye, we discussed some ways I might find useful in opening it when it is being stubborn, then she brushed me with her owl’s wing and removed the energy binding my entire spine. 

When we began to work on my crown she called to her Deities, some of whom I work with as well and invited me to use all of my names and call to my Gods and Allies.

Athena came to her and offered Her approval and Her assistance in finding wisdom when I am angry, to know how to use it and how not to misuse it, as that was one of the reasons I sought this healing.  She blew into my heart and my head again and filled me with “millions of golden skeleton keys”.  

One of the final lessons from this work is my need to establish strong boundaries and a stronger sense of self so that, when I shape-shift to meet the needs of those I serve, or to "get the work done" I can remember to return to who I am and not lose that to "what I can do, or what I can be".  I need not lose myself to my own talents.  

When the ritual was done, she offered her thanks and closed the gates that she had opened.

We visited for a while as I ate a little and drank before making the drive home.  It was a quiet and easy drive in the dark and when I arrived home Pwca cuddled beside me and I slept better than I have in months.

I give thanks for Pwca, for Gwynn ap Nudd, for Athena, for Bear and most especially for Monika Lonely Coyote.  

on Power

We all have power.  We are born with it and it is inherent to us as living beings.  But we do not all use our power.  Some of us need to learn how to access it, and some of us need to learn how to use it.  Some of us need to learn how not to be afraid of it.  And once we have found it, and overcome our fear of it; what then?  Power without purpose is nothing, it is a waste.  Abused, it is a danger to ourselves and to others.

We expend our power every day.  Mostly, we waste it on minutia and the little dramas of our daily lives.  We might expend it in loving our family or our lovers, or in achieving a personal victory at work, or in the world.  We might use it for creating art, or bearing grudges.

Loving our families and lovers and partners is a wonderful way to expend our power.  There is nothing wrong with that.  Creating art and causing positive change in the world are also worthwhile ways to use our power.  But as witches, we try to use power with intent.

Building power, holding it until the time is right to release it, takes learning and practice.  It also takes will. It requires purpose and intent and the absolute conviction that these are aligned with our true will.

I have struggled with finding and acknowledging my power.  I have struggled with accessing it and overcoming my fear of it.  I have learned how to hold it and build it but, I am only now learning how to release it and when.  I have been doing a great deal of “soul-searching” to figure out what actually engages my will and what compels me to release power with intent and purpose.

That knowledge is necessary.  Without understanding what engages my will, I will never be able to focus the release of power with intent towards true purpose and, I will not be able to have the impact upon the world that I desire to have.

No More Pretending...

When you are different, it is sometimes easier to pretend, for the sake of others, that you are other than your nature. 

Pretending can be a useful strategy for making others more comfortable, and to get them to leave you alone. When they are not bothering you, you can spend your energy doing as you please, rather than constantly reassuring others or dealing with their questions, their concerns, their judgments or their wishes.  Stealth is also very useful because it allows you to accomplish what you want with less effort and less conflict.  It allows you to get things done without direct opposition. 

The problem with spending years in stealth mode and with pretending to be what everyone else is comfortable with, is that it becomes a habit so entrenched in your life, a pattern so deeply imbedded, that you might forget that it's not who you truly are.  And breaking that habit will take a lot of hard work.

It will take diligence and perseverance and sometimes, what may seem to be rather extreme measures.  It will take courage and intent and more hard work.  It may cause anxiety, fear, confusion, panic, more confusion, for yourself but, also for those around you. 

You will have to deal with those you love feeling afraid because you are no longer speaking or behaving in the way that they have come to expect, nor in the way that they want you to.

And you will feel awkward, because walking around as you is much different that walking around as the person you have been pretending to be. 

You might wear different clothes, different shoes, have a different posture, a different gait, a different voice that may sound strange to your ears.   You may even find yourself giving voice to thoughts you have only ever heard inside your own head before, and that will be strange too.

I am done pretending to be small.  I am done pretending to be timid. I am done pretending to be weak.  I am done being quiet.  I am done being what someone else is comfortable with.   I am done with the comfort of stealth mode, with the comfort of pretending. I am done with the comfort of habit. 

I am done living a half-life that belongs to someone else.  It is time to begin living my life as truthfully, as openly, as loudly, as largely, as I will.  No More Pretending.

If you are one of my beloveds, consider this fair warning.  I am larger than you have perceived, braver than you have guessed, stronger than you have imagined, louder than you may be comfortable with, and more powerful than you may wish.  I promise to be patient with you as you become accustomed to me.  I love you and I want you in my life, but I will continue to keep pushing until I have found how to live with the integrity that my Gods, my Ancestors and my own Soul require.  

So Mote It Be.

No Holding Back

This past Midsummer, my coven held the kind of ritual that makes magick that follows you home.  We were challenged to declare our beauty and our successes, our flaws and what we have left undone, and what we will do to continue that work.  We also challenged one another because; sometimes we see each other more clearly than we see ourselves. 

One of the wisest women I have ever met is an initiate of my coven and one of my greatest teachers.  Her challenge to me was “no holding back”.  That is indeed one of the principles that I have been striving to live by, not always successfully.  Lifelong habits are difficult to break.  It takes practice and diligence.

This past autumn I had the opportunity to fall in love, and indeed I did fall in love, with someone that I have loved and respected and trusted for quite some time.  This man is beautiful and brilliant and strong and compassionate and there is no reason in the universe that I should not have fallen in love with him, in fact it was quite inevitable I think.

Yet, instead of telling him, or showing him, instead of going to him and loving him the way my heart desired to, uncensored, without reservation, I held back.  I did not hold back out of fear, but gave myself rational and logical “reasons” and they matter not even a little bit because, I let the opportunity to love him go unrealized. 

What “reason” could possibly justify squandering the chance to show someone how you love them?  Even, or especially, if it was only a brief moment in time, would not every second that you could share with them be a priceless treasure not to be wasted?  Every moment we live is a chance to embrace our soul’s true calling.  What higher calling can there be, but to love others the way our hearts would dictate?

I let that chance pass by, I held back.  I cannot change that, life does not work that way.  But I will not continue to hold back.  Not my love, nor my magick, not my words, nor my power, not my desires, nor my purpose.  Not with my family, not with my friends, not with my beloveds nor with my community, nor with anyone else with whom I might fall in love.

I will live my life, no holding back, so mote it be.

The functions of "I"

This is my first attempt at articulating these concepts of the shadow forms of the parts of self.  They are not clear or precise however, I am attempting to explore them and to strengthen my connections to them.  I would appreciate any insights you care to offer.  I reserve the right to learn and clarify or, to completely change my thoughts on the matter.   

The five parts of the self, the spirit, mind, heart, soul and body, each have a role to play in guiding us on this path.  They each have a vital function in our magick.  Without each one of them being engaged, the process falls short.

“To know, to will, to dare, to keep silent” or in other words, intellect, will, desire and action become manifestation.  These are all necessary however; these are active forms and projective forces. 

Yet each of these parts has a polarity, a shadow form that is receptive and passive. And by shadow I do not refer to the negative darkness that resides inside each of us but, rather the non-rational, non-skeptical, non-logical connection with the universe of which we are each capable if we allow ourselves to see/hear/smell/taste/feel/know it.

I think of them as “the functions of I”

Inspiration, Imagination, Intuition, Integrity, and Instinct.

Magick can originate with any one of them but, they must all be engaged for the process to ultimately work.  They are each a means of receiving information but, intellect alone will not accomplish anything.  For magick to actually occur, the functions of I must each “agree”.

Inspiration is the voice of spirit, that flash or spark that cannot be designed or commanded. 

Imagination is the shadow of intellect.  It is the ability to let go of what is and believe in what could be. 

Intuition resides in the heart.  It is an emotional understanding or knowing something outside of myself.

Integrity is the truth of the soul, the shadow of will.  It is the knowing that something is “right”.

Instinct is the body speaking to us, overriding the logic and language of the “civilized” social human.

Again, this is my first attempt at articulating these concepts.  I am attempting to explore them and to strengthen my connections to them.  I would appreciate any insights you care to offer.  I reserve the right to learn and clarify or completely change my thoughts on the matter.  

Blessed be.  

Fragile-Handle With Care

Humans are incredibly fragile creatures.  Just a moment of disruption in the development of the fetus can be the difference between life, or still-birth, or defect and dysfunction.  Just a few moments without enough oxygen can cause permanent brain damage or death. 

But even when the body and brain develop without traumatic injury, without physical disruption of any kind, the soul and the heart and the mind can incur damage that remains unseen to the casual observer.  Indeed these wounds can become infected and fester unacknowledged by the wounded, unrealized even by those who love them.

We can interact with others whose souls are damaged to the point of death and never know.  We can unwittingly contribute to the damage they have suffered, and because their own defenses are so fragile, one, small, unintentional unkindness could be the last assault that kills their souls beyond the possibility of healing.

We cannot know the state of another’s soul.  We cannot know whether the person we encounter in a chance moment of our mundane life is sick unto death.  We can only live each moment to the best of our ability. 

We can choose to live mindfully and consciously.  We can choose to live with kindness and generosity.  We can choose to handle our Earth, its creatures and our fellow human beings, and yes, even ourselves, with care.  We may never know if that small kindness is the moment when the damage ends and healing begins.  

Fire

Fire is dynamic and intangible.  Its effects can be measured, but it cannot be contained.  It can be extinguished, but not boxed or bottled.  Fire is not an object but, rather a state of becoming. 

Fire is transformation and change. It is destruction of form and release of energy.  It is heat and light and movement.

It is the wild-fire that rages and the lightning strike that sparks the flames, and the sunlight that causes life to grow anew.

It is the need-fire that provides warmth and preserves life, the torch that provides light that allows us to see and the hearth-fire that cooks sustenance for the tribe.

It is the campfire in the night, and the stars in the sky above, and the song of community shared.

Fire is the candle on the southern altar, and the sacred fire at the center of community.

Fire is the wand and the staff that act as conduits for the movement of energy and the energy we move through them and through ourselves.

Fire is the bright red flower in full bloom and the dawn turning to day and the noonday sun in the height of summer bringing the crops to fullness and fruition.

It is the firing of nerve synapses and the chemical reactions within every cell of the body.

Fire is the soul and the seat of desire, passion, will, drive, courage and righteous anger.  

It is the life force that fills the cauldron of warming, and the glowing ember in the cauldron of vocation that moves us to action and the fire in the head, that divine spark in the cauldron of wisdom that compels us to seek and explore that which cannot be found in the mundane existence of the sleepwalker.

Fire is the Phoenix rising from the ashes and the Dragon in the fearless flight of freedom.