Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Quickening


There is a moment during pregnancy when the child inside the womb quickens.  When it stirs within and the mother can feel that the being inside is not only alive but a separate being from herself, a new and different creature.  I remember the moments when each of my children moved within me.  I remember the moments when they became real to me and not just ideas and faces I saw in my dreams.  The remnants of my past lives feel a bit like that to me, like separate beings but, alive and part of me. 

The Queen of the Abyss has been healed and I have come face to face with Another that was hiding behind her.  I understand that the Sorrow was meant to teach me compassion, and I believe that it has.  I continue to nurture that compassion by working with a Goddess of Compassion, by establishing a new relationship with White Tara, a Goddess with seven eyes; Who sees, offers protection, and blessings. 

But the real work ahead is to reconcile the immense Rage I hold within me.  I do believe that some of that Rage is a remnant of past lives. But some of it belongs to this life, and all of it belongs to me, all of it is mine to claim and to reconcile.  And the time has come to do just that.

You might ask “Why?”  Why not simply nurture compassion?  Why ever let the Rage out at all?

It has taken a great deal of my power to keep it hidden and contained for most of my life, power that I was meant to use for living.  In those moments when my guard was down and it has escaped, it has been destructive and out of control, hurting me and those around me.  And suppressed rage, unexpressed anger, is one of the most insidious causes of clinical depression, which I have battled for most of my life.

My Gods, my Ancestors and my Allies have been pushing me to open this place, to find what is hidden beneath and I have.  They will not let me rest until I have learned how to express the anger and how to do so safely.  If I am to serve my Community and my Coven, my Gods and my Ancestors, I cannot have a nuclear bomb hiding inside me waiting to explode and destroy those for whom I am responsible.

I have always been afraid of my power for fear that using it would result in “everyone ending up dead and bloody”.  I realize now that is because I associate my power with my rage.  I can learn to heal it, express it and control it without simply locking it away inside my body like some rotting corpse in a tomb.

So the Rage has quickened and I must as well if I am to learn to do this work.  May I do so with compassion and power, honor and grace, courage and conviction.  So Mote it Be.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

the Queen of the Abyss and Past Life Work

In the past few months, two of my teachers have revealed to me impressions they had when they first met me (and ever since).  They are not wrong but, to be honest, it is a bit unsettling to be told that the secrets you thought you kept well hidden are not. 

After one of my teachers mentioned the Sorrow that I have carried through too many lives, (and the image she described was intimately familiar to me), I went searching with the intention to fully know it and release it.



Since then, I have journeyed to the Temple of Sorrows twice more.  When I first returned to the Queen I found her as I had left her, but weighed down with guilt and shame.  She showed me more of what her “sins” had been, and I spoke with her about the lifetimes we have spent in “penance” and that the time for forgiveness and peace had come.  That she had taught me compassion and that she could let go now.  The crack in the ceiling of the Temple widened and I embraced her and promised to return again and left her.

I returned once more with the intention of transforming her through the fire of sunlight into ashes that would rise as a Phoenix.  This was the image given to me by my teacher and it was my expectation and my hope.  I found the Queen in white, calm and almost smiling but when the ceiling opened fully and let in the light, it was moonlight and not sunshine.  Instead of a blaze of flame and ash, instead of the Phoenix rising, there was sparkling white light and a dove flew away into the starlit sky. 

I expected the Temple to be empty.  That the work was complete…but of course it is never that simple.  When I turned to leave, someone else stood before me, someone full of pain and rage and fear.  So the work continues, as it always will until I have finished with this life.

I have been chronicling my exploration into my sexual identity on another blog,


After reading one of my posts about a recent discovery, another of my teachers had commented that she had known that I harbored a vast amount of untapped anger.  The work  that I have ahead of me will not surprise her. 

Most people are blind.  Most people cannot see even a little past the glamours built over decades, let alone those built over lifetimes.  That is why it is so necessary to have teachers with vision and the courage to be honest about what they see, when you are ready to hear it.

I give thanks for wise teachers, for the Gods who have led me to them and for the Queen of the Abyss.  Blessed Be.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Propitiation and Petition



My strongest Magick is not operative but, rather relational, so that is how I work.

When something compels me to act, engages my will to actually use power, I go to my Gods and to my Ancestors and to my Allies.  I go to Those with Whom I have relationship. 

I make offerings to my Gods and to my Ancestors and to my Allies as a part of my daily practice, as a part of building and maintaining relationships.  Speaking to Them and listening to Them and spending time with Them is also part of that.  I rarely ask Them for specific gifts or blessings or “intervention”. 

They are not generally disposed to interfering in the world in that way, and it would be insulting to ask Them for what I should be doing through my own hard work.  But when I am moved (and there must always be a strong emotional compulsion for me to engage my will), I will commit Rites of Petition and Propitiation for Their intervention in my world and in the lives of those that are mine own, or in the life of one whose story has moved me so.  I do not ask Them to act in a situation but rather, for an individual.   


I believe that propitiation works, I believe that petition, made on the behalf of another, works.  And if my warrior’s heart is engaged (because that is what it takes for me to use power) if my will is compelled to act, I believe that They will hear me and will answer.

My offerings might be of my own food supply, spirits (alcohol) that I know They will enjoy, an act of service to my community, or perhaps my own blood.  Whatever is of value to them and to me (for if I do not value that which I give, They will never be moved to grant my petition) .  

My petitions will be for the highest purpose I can articulate.  I make an impassioned argument for the rightness of my request.  I argue for the need and for the benefit to the family or  to the community, and to Them and the work They wish to be done.  I get downright demanding, and when They make demands in return, I make the vows that They require, and then I live up to those vows.  


I have even been questioned during a Rite, about whether or not I would still want that which I was asking for, if it meant making a sacrifice (of something I desire, not something that would cause harm) .  I answered yes, and yet that vow was never required.  Sometimes they just want to test your commitment, your conviction., or to teach you.

Understand that Rites such as these are not to be undertaken lightly.  Intercession has a price.  If one is going to begin to make petition, one must be willing to pay the price requested.  I have never been denied, however propitiation is never only that which I have offered.  There is always a cost that is determined by Them.  

That being said, the price has always resulted in more understanding and growth for me and deepening of my relationship with Them.  They never stop teaching me.  And I give thanks.

Friday, August 1, 2014

on Power


We all have power.  We are born with it and it is inherent to us as living beings.  But we do not all use our power.  Some of us need to learn how to access it, and some of us need to learn how to use it.  Some of us need to learn how not to be afraid of it.  And once we have found it, and overcome our fear of it; what then?  Power without purpose is nothing, it is a waste.  Abused, it is a danger to ourselves and to others.

We expend our power every day.  Mostly, we waste it on minutia and the little dramas of our daily lives.  We might expend it in loving our family or our lovers, or in achieving a personal victory at work, or in the world.  We might use it for creating art, or bearing grudges.

Loving our families and lovers and partners is a wonderful way to expend our power.  There is nothing wrong with that.  Creating art and causing positive change in the world are also worthwhile ways to use our power.  But as witches, we try to use power with intent.

Building power, holding it until the time is right to release it, takes learning and practice.  It also takes will. It requires purpose and intent and the absolute conviction that these are aligned with our true will.

I have struggled with finding and acknowledging my power.  I have struggled with accessing it and overcoming my fear of it.  I have learned how to hold it and build it but, I am only now learning how to release it and when.  I have been doing a great deal of “soul-searching” to figure out what actually engages my will and what compels me to release power with intent and purpose.

That knowledge is necessary.  Without understanding what engages my will, I will never be able to focus the release of power with intent towards true purpose and, I will not be able to have the impact upon the world that I desire to have.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Othala; the Heart of the Ancestors


The Following is a journey I took last year after the premature birth of my granddaughter.  I work with the Runes as part of my daily practice.  I  work with my Ancestors as part of my daily practice.  And  journeys like this are a foundation of my personal practice.   I wanted to share this with you because it is a part of me and my work of Finding Light among the Shadows.

I stepped through the door and into the Otherworld.   I looked at my feet.  I was barefoot and the grass beneath my feet was soft and brown.  I wore a simple woolen dress of my family tartan, and a bronze amulet of a boar, my family’s totem, hung over my heart on a ribbon of red silk. 

I looked around me and found myself in an autumn evening at twilight.  The woods nearby were almost bare and the path in front of me led over a grassy hill.  I followed the path over the hill and on the other side found a low round-house with a thatched roof.  The windows glowed with warm light and wood-smoke rose from the chimney into the evening air and smelled like home.

When I found the doorway, the wooden beam above was carved with a crescent and v-rod like the tattoo on my back, the side beams with a trisckle on the left and a spiral on the right. An equal-armed cross decorated with knotwork adorned the threshold and a red whole-cloth blanket quilted with a dragon covered the door.  I pulled the blanket aside and entered, letting it drop back into place behind me and looked around.

The roof was supported by a network of straight beams in a concentrically spiraling starburst pattern, the walls were stone and the floor was covered in rugs of braided wool rags like my great-grandmother used to make when I was a child.  Glowing oil lamps and books filled the small wooded shelves around the walls, and musical instruments hung from the beams supporting the roof.  

A fire danced brightly in the small hearth, warming the entire house. In front of the hearth sat a small wooden table with a white linen table-cloth, and on it, my grandmother’s teapot in robin’s egg blue and two miss-matched cups.   Beside the table I saw a basket made like the rugs, of braided woolen rags and inside the basket, a babe wrapped in a yellow blanket crocheted like my Nanna had made it.  The infant slept peacefully, breathing easily, safe and warm and blissful. 

As I turned to leave, something flashed on the edge of my sight.  I turned again to see on the mantle above the hearth, an egg of garnet.  It was deep and clear and smooth and it seemed to glow from the inside.  As I continued to gaze at the stone, I heard music and a voice speaking to me of the “heart-stone”, the heart of my ancestors.  The stone will receive the energy I send to it and it will serve as a source of power for the ancestors to protect the child, to heal and bless the babe in the basket.  

When the music and the voice stilled, all was quiet once more and as I pulled back the blanket covering the door, I noticed my grandmother’s garnet ring upon my hand.  

I went back out into the night and followed the path back the way I had come.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Hail Odin!


Hail Odin, the All-Father!
Hail the wise Father of the Mighty!
Hail the noble Father of the Brave!

He whose eye was sacrificed to Mimir’s well!
He who hung upon the Tree,
For nine days and nights did He hang there,
To bring forth magick and wisdom did He sacrifice Himself,

Hail Odin who sees the truth and raises up the honorable warrior!
Hail the wise Father of the Mighty!
Hail the noble Father of the Brave!

All hail Odin the All-Father!
All hail His Bright and Noble Sons!

This is the third fulfillment of vows that I have made to Tyr, Thor and Odin.  I give thanks to Them and praise Them for their Wisdom, Honor, Strength, and Nobility.  They have vindicated Their son and delivered him from peril and will continue to raise him up victorious.  So Mote It Be.  Hail Tyr!  Hail Thor!  Hail Odin!

Monday, July 7, 2014

No More Pretending...


When you are different, it is sometimes easier to pretend, for the sake of others, that you are other than your nature. 

Pretending can be a useful strategy for making others more comfortable, and to get them to leave you alone. When they are not bothering you, you can spend your energy doing as you please, rather than constantly reassuring others or dealing with their questions, their concerns, their judgments or their wishes.  Stealth is also very useful because it allows you to accomplish what you want with less effort and less conflict.  It allows you to get things done without direct opposition. 

The problem with spending years in stealth mode and with pretending to be what everyone else is comfortable with, is that it becomes a habit so entrenched in your life, a pattern so deeply imbedded, that you might forget that it's not who you truly are.  And breaking that habit will take a lot of hard work.

It will take diligence and perseverance and sometimes, what may seem to be rather extreme measures.  It will take courage and intent and more hard work.  It may cause anxiety, fear, confusion, panic, more confusion, for yourself but, also for those around you. 

You will have to deal with those you love feeling afraid because you are no longer speaking or behaving in the way that they have come to expect, nor in the way that they want you to.

And you will feel awkward, because walking around as you is much different that walking around as the person you have been pretending to be. 

You might wear different clothes, different shoes, have a different posture, a different gait, a different voice that may sound strange to your ears.   You may even find yourself giving voice to thoughts you have only ever heard inside your own head before, and that will be strange too.

I am done pretending to be small.  I am done pretending to be timid. I am done pretending to be weak.  I am done being quiet.  I am done being what someone else is comfortable with.   I am done with the comfort of stealth mode, with the comfort of pretending. I am done with the comfort of habit. 

I am done living a half-life that belongs to someone else.  It is time to begin living my life as truthfully, as openly, as loudly, as largely, as I will.  No More Pretending.

If you are one of my beloveds, consider this fair warning.  I am larger than you have perceived, braver than you have guessed, stronger than you have imagined, louder than you may be comfortable with, and more powerful than you may wish.  I promise to be patient with you as you become accustomed to me.  I love you and I want you in my life, but I will continue to keep pushing until I have found how to live with the integrity that my Gods, my Ancestors and my own Soul require.  
So Mote It Be.