Thursday, October 16, 2014


Magick is not an immediate thing.  Sometimes it works in ways that are completely sideways from what you expected.  Your intention may be clear, and it does work if you are not muddled in your intention but, it seldom actually happens the way you think it will.

And sometimes, especially when the magick involves changing the way you exist, the way you function, your internal structures, and the way your magick works, it can take a long time and it can be unsettling, ungraceful, and even painful.  But that does not mean that the magick is not working. 

I have been feeling un-reconciled.  The magick feels un-resolved.  That is because it is.  It is working itself out and that takes time.  It is difficult to be patient.  It is uncomfortable to be changing.  But the journey is where we learn the lessons.  The path is not the destination but, rather the experience  we gain along the way.

Transformation, evolution, is a flowing river, always moving and shifting and becoming.  Always un-reconciled.  I am learning to sit and walk and work and love and live in the current.  Blessed be.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Unlocking the boxes...

For the past six months or so one of my specific and stated intentions has been to unlock the boxes within myself, to discover what lies within them, and to master whatever I might find there. 

The boxes and my intention to unlock them are not constantly in my waking consciousness.  Sometimes I forget for moments or days at a time, I become distracted by daily life, by the normal everyday of living.  And then something draws my attention back to the boxes and I am reminded that even when I am not paying attention, even when I am not actively pursuing this intent, words said in sacred space have power and the magick is continuing.

My Patron has been insistent that this is necessary if I am to take on the responsibility of completing my third degree initiation.  That it is required in order to find and use my power.  That it is non-negotiable if I am to truly know myself. I am not arguing this point but, it has been difficult and painful. 

I have been on a journey of self-discovery regarding my own identity, specifically my sexual identity.  This has resulted in many of the boxes being unlocked and the shamanic healing that I sought has also had a similar effect. The result has been particularly extreme in this past week.

I have been dreaming and remembering and it has robbed me of sleep and of peace in my waking life.  The lack of sleep and the images and emotions in my dreams have robbed me of my ability to shut down my emotions and of my shields against feeling too much.  I have even resorted to old behaviors out of desperation in an attempt to escape the return of feelings and thoughts that I have not had in decades.

Old ways of thinking have reared their heads.  The argument that it would be safer not to love, that it would be easier to remain strong and cold and hard, that allowing my heart to feel again is a mistake.  There is a very strong urging to walk away from anyone who threatens to touch me, to make me feel.  That trusting anyone who could abandon me, or take something from me, is a foolish risk not to be considered.  The desire to hurt those I do love in order to drive them away from me is incredibly intense as well.

My heart feels like it has been frozen and the thaw and return of feeling are as painful as frostbitten limbs being flushed with blood again.  It has also been violent in its awakening.  And the fact that others have witnessed my convulsions has been humiliating. 

The pain in my heart remains and I do not know for certain that it will ever really go away now.  Perhaps this is what it feels like to be alive.  I do not really know but, I will not abandon my intent.  I will do whatever is necessary to live, and to love, and to feel.  I will not turn back, no matter what may come.  So Mote It Be.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Hephzibah House Remembered...

I unlocked the dusty cobweb covered box and opened it wide, and found…empathy.

I also found memories of a place that I visited once about twenty-seven years ago.  The visual and olfactory memory of a place where girls, who have committed no crime other than to be born into families where their spirits are abhorred, are held in captivity and no one has yet been able to free them.  My heart becomes filled with rage when I think of them.  I have remembered them off and on over the past years.  But, as is often the case when our life is not directly impacted, I put it aside because, after all, it is not mine.  But if it is not mine then, Whose is it?  Are they not my daughters, sisters, granddaughters?  Do they not belong to the God and the Goddess simply because they exist? 

They belong to me because, I remember them. 

It matters not that they and their families live within a culture of fear.  They are not lost.  They are not forgotten.  I call upon Kali to see them, to hear the unvoiced cries they dare not make  even within their own minds, hearts and souls. I call upon every Goddess and God with whom I have relationship. I call upon every daughter and son of the Goddess and the God.

My patroness Arianrhod is a Goddess of Sovereignty and she has given me a fire in my heart to act against this prison, in whatever way I can, to bring freedom to these, her daughters.  I will work every day until Hephzibah House is no more. 

“Do not turn away. Do not turn your hearts to stone.  Swing wide the doors of the prison-house and let in the bright light of day.  Let the truth be spoken aloud so that it cannot be ignored, let their pain be felt so that it cannot be forgotten, let not the children be kept unseen.  Do not let them remain invisible.  Shed tears for them, weep openly.  Do not let their spirits be murdered in silence.  Tear down the walls and break their chains.  Do not rest until this house and its jailers have been razed to the ground and turned to dust and ash.”

If you find within your heart a desire to work to free these girls, light a candle to whichever Goddess or God that you worship, and make prayers for the freedom of these children.  Leave a comment below if you wish.  Blessed be.

To the Survivors of Hephzibah House, may you find healing with your God or mine, may your stories be heard, may your efforts be victorious, may your lives be blessed, and may your spirits find joy and know their true worth.  Your strength and your courage inspire me.  Blessed be.

Truth against the World

“Truth against the World” is an old Welsh proverb. When I read it for the first time, it jumped off the page and into my mind and began yelling, and it has been yelling at me ever since…

Its meaning to me is clear;

Truth, even if the whole world despises you for it. 

Truth, above all. 

Truth, no matter the consequences. 

Truth, no matter how painful. 

Truth, no matter how ugly.

Truth, no matter how uncomfortable.

Truth, no matter how frightening.

“the Truth will make you free.” 

“to thine own self be True.”

Truth is the greatest calling I can imagine.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Twrch Trwyth

My family totem is the Wild Boar.  I know what you are thinking, “Who would want a Boar as a totem animal?”  Not me, at least not at first.  In fact, it took me a long time to understand the great honor it is to have that creature as the Spirit of my bloodline.

In Welsh mythology the Boar is the gift of the Gods to humans.  It represents the Warrior Spirit.  In all of the stories, the fiercest animal of all is Twrch Trwyth, the Wild Boar.

It is not a predatory creature, but it is fierce and unyielding.  It is dangerous and wild, strong and unstoppable.  It is noble and brave. 

The Boar is not a creature that can be used other than as food.  The only way a Wild Boar serves mankind is through its death, to feed the tribe.  Hunting the Wild Boar can be fatal if the hunter is not also smart, skilled, careful, and lucky.  Many strong, brave men have died early deaths in the attempt to bring down the great creature.

The Boar is close to the Earth and has sharp tusks and cloven hooves.  It forages for food and is not easily domesticated.  If a domesticated sow is bred in captivity with a domesticated boar and then escapes captivity, the piglets she births will be wild, even in their physical appearance. 

I would have wished for a Wolf, or a Stag, or a Horse, or some other “Great Creature” as the Totem Spirit of my family but, I have come to understand and embrace the great and noble Spirit that is Twrch Trwyth.  His image is the tattoo I wear to honor my first degree initiation.  I wear a bronze amulet with his image to honor my clan.  He reminds me that I too am a warrior, brave and strong and noble, fierce and unyielding and unstoppable.

Hail Twrch Trwyth!  Hail the Wild Boar!

Thursday, September 18, 2014


Secrets are powerful things.  Some are wonderful, like the ones we shared with our closest and dearest friends or our siblings in childhood.  Or the ones we share with lovers, about our hopes and our dreams. Some are filled with magick we share with the Spirits and the Gods.

But the ones we do not share with anyone, those are the most powerful secrets of all.  Those are the secrets that can empower our greatest magick, or destroy us.

If we can find the keys and the courage to see them, to know them, they can teach us to know who we are and how to live all that we are.  They can help us to find our power and to learn to use that power. 

The ones we refuse to see, the ones we hide from, will keep us imprisoned in tombs that we will never escape.  They will keep us from the life we are here to live.  They will keep us invisible until we eventually fade away, leaving no trace that we were ever even here.  They will destroy our ability to live, to love or to create any magick at all. 

That idea is terrifying.  The only thing more frightening is the idea of actually acknowledging those secrets.  The things we don’t ever talk about.  The voices in our head that we have heard all our lives, and the words that they scream in the long dark night.  The images that we see in our mind’s eye that we want so desperately to forget.  The memories of things we have done and the things we have wished for with all of our being.  The desires of our inner selves that we could never dare to live.  The things that we are absolutely sure if anyone knew, they would forsake us forever.

But no matter what the shadows tell us, those secrets are ours and if we can reclaim them, they will not destroy us.  If we can brave our deepest fears and embrace our secrets, they can unlock our power to live our lives with magick we have never imagined, and to be happy beyond our deepest hopes. 

Find the Secrets you keep, and listen to the whispers of your soul.  Live.

Friday, September 12, 2014


This summer has been an amazing season of growth, self-exploration, and self-discovery.  I have been learning a great deal about who I am and how to be All of who I am.  My forty-ninth birthday is just around the corner, my work on my third degree has moved from the first steps to the beginning of the path, and I have begun to See how my visions of my future might come to pass. 

But I have also had to look at the past, in this life and in others.  And I have come to see that I am a Survivor.  I am proud of that.  Survivor does not mean victim, it does not mean wounded, it does not mean damaged.  Survivor means Strong, it means ALIVE, it means Unconquerable and Unbreakable.

In this lifetime I have Survived;

Clinical depression,

Suicidal obsession and attempts,

Compulsive self-medication,

Self-destructive patterns of high-risk behavior,

Sexual assault,

My own Rage,

Compliance with the decisions of others,

The loss of my children,

Two years under the power of an extreme, militant, fundamentalist, baptist preacher and his followers.

Years of silencing my own self and hiding from my own power,

And the voices in my head that are, and that are not, my own.

I am ALIVE, I am Happy, and I am finally beginning to live my life the way I was meant to all of these years.  I have Survived because I am Stronger than any of those things. 

My Gods, my Ancestors, my Allies, and my Community have all had a hand in helping me to learn to live but, I am the one who Survived to learn. 

I share these things with you because, if you are reading this, you might be living in shadow, you might be looking for the candles. You might have experienced depression or assault; you might feel that you are weak, or damaged.  You might believe that dying is your only option to end the pain, or the fear, or the despair.  You might even think that you deserve nothing good, and that you are destined to be alone and in pain for the rest of your life. 

But I would point out that, you have Survived.  If you are reading this, you are Alive.  You are a Survivor!  You are Strong and Unconquerable, and Unbreakable. YOU are the Beauty to be found in the Darkness!  Nothing is stronger than that!