Friday, November 20, 2015

Returning to Balance

My first instinct is to apologize for my silence over the past six months but, I remember that there is no one to apologize to, and that even if there were, I have nothing to apologize for.

There have been many changes in my life this year, and many of them I could not process while experiencing them.  Sometimes we have to ride the waves and then process on the shore.  Only after we have returned home can we put a framework around our experiences. 

In the past two months I left my position with my employer, only to be reinstated within two weeks time in a new position at a new location. During those two weeks I moved from my tree-house (where Pwca and I had lived for four and a half years) to a new home in a new town.  I turned 50 and have completed my physical transition into crone (at least the medical definition).  I have begun a new phase in my therapy and a new focus in my studies.  

I have come out the other side of a very dark time, and I am beginning a new adventure in just about every area of my life.

At Samhaine I received messages about my need for balance.  Time engaging in community and laying the foundation for the future, time with my beloveds, and time alone to write and to practice magick, are each desirable and necessary.  I am capable of doing all of these things.  Balancing them is a skill that I am learning.  Recognizing, respecting and communicating boundaries are skills I need to practice if I am to serve my beloveds as well as my own soul.

Returning to my writing is also necessary.  Because communicating about the joy and beauty I find in the world, in my community, with my Gods and Allies and Ancestors and beloveds, is one of the ways I fulfill my purpose. Expressing that joy and beauty helps me to remember it every day, which is how I find light among the shadows.  Blessed be.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Where I find Joy...

I have remembered something important recently.  

My purpose makes me strong.  

When I am engaged in the work of serving my Gods, and my beloveds, I am strong and well. The magick of service, of doing the work to be prepared to serve, of doing the work of serving, of fulfilling my purpose, makes me stronger, makes me whole, makes me well.

When I am serving my Gods and my beloveds, I am focused on the work, on the needs of another, on what I need to do to accomplish the required result.  In that place, I know that I am capable, that I am strong.  Doubt and despair and depression and panic, are obstacles that only hinder the work at hand.

When I engage with my Gods, my Ancestors, my Allies, when I engage with my purpose, with serving, with the work, I engage my true self. That self is not only capable but strong.  She is child and fully grown woman.  She is Witch and Priestess and Mother and Healer. She has gifts, and skills and talents and joy and Power. She has purpose and love and compassion and Will.

This where I find joy.

Saturday, May 30, 2015

The Garden Forge; a visit to Brighid

You are standing in a clearing on a hill, surrounded by woods.
Before you stands a stone tower, the surface half-covered with moss.

There are ancient symbols carved into the stones and as you try to decipher them you notice a rough wooden door, dark with age.

You pull on the latch and slowly, the door opens enough to allow you to enter.

Inside it is quiet. Light filters in from windows high above and the air smells of wood smoke and blackberries. The floor is smooth and worn.  There is a stair to your left spiraling upward and to your right leading down.

You turn to your left and begin to ascend the stair.  The stone steps are even and smooth and easy to climb.  The light and air are warm and fragrant.  You can see glimpses of blue sky through the high narrow windows above you and you climb step by step up and around and up and up and up and around.  You can no longer see the door but you keep climbing wondering when you will reach the top.  Just as you are considering turning back you come to another door. 

The stair continues to spiral even further upward and you consider continuing your ascent but you notice a hammer hanging by the door. 

The door is a warm golden wood finely carved with intricate spirals and graceful symbols.  You test the latch and the door opens smoothly and easily outward into an orchard, filled with the sunshine of a bright summer day.  There is a path through the trees in front of you lined with blackberry bushes full of ripe black sweet berries.

You hear the sound of a hammer striking an anvil in a regular rhythm and you follow the orchard path to the source of the sound.   The trees are large and in full leaf and you cannot see beyond the ones immediately surrounding you. But you keep following the sound until just when you begin to think that the sound is actually your own heartbeat you step out from the next tree and find a roofed structure with no walls. 

Beneath the roof is a Forge.  The coals are glowing and a woman stands at the anvil beating the metal she is working, with the hammer in her hand. She is tall with a strong body and a presence that is even larger.  She seems to take up all the space within the forge.  Her short red hair, her entire body, seem to glow with flame. 

She plunges the piece into the basin of water beside her and the steam rises.  She then looks at you with bright hazel eyes and smiles a warm and welcoming smile, wiping sweat from her brow with her forearm.

This is Brighid, the Goddess of Smiths, the Mother of Midwives, and the Muse of Poets.  Warrior, Healer and Fiery Arrow.  Go to her and she will transform you, speak with her and she will heal you, listen to her and she will inspire you. 

When you feel it is time to go, thank the Lady and take your leave of Her.  Follow the path through the orchard back to the tower. The door stands open and you enter and descend the stair then pass through the open door to the place where you began.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015


For the past few months I have been undergoing a process of deconstruction, of tearing down everything that I count on, everything that I believe.  The destruction of my internal structures, the resurrection of unresolved memories, and the complete desolation of self had left me nothing but the core of my pathology, a crippled creature to be put down.  At one point a few weeks ago I was as far down into the abyss as I can ever remember being. 

My sister and Priestess was worried about me and said so, calling me to account and making me admit to the place I was occupying.  My brother and priest recognized that I was on the edge and pushed and poked until I lost the last bit of my control and, like a spring wound too tightly, I became un-sprung.  My beloved kinsman gave me objective guidance and tools to assist me in learning skills that I have lacked.  My lover held me and listened and talked and kept me from total isolation by giving me the comfort of his company and the wisdom of his own experience with his own abyss. 

I had lost my vision, I had lost my desire to continue to engage, to serve, I had nothing but doubt that I would ever be able to become what I need to be, even survival was not a sure thing but, I kept fighting.  And I am once again able to see the vision of what I can be.  I have remembered the desire to serve.  I have regained my feet and have discovered that I am not crippled.  I have found that lack of balance means I need to learn to dance in the void. 

Many of the ways in which I had functioned will not serve me in the work I hope to do.  I have begun new work, I am learning new skills, and engaging in new relationship with Deity.   I am rebuilding a new structure. I have a new vision of how to build a structure that will serve me and those I love.  One with more open space and less obstructions, less obstacles, with bigger windows to let in more light and to let in more air, to let the fires burn warmer and brighter, to let the waters flow more freely. 

I give thanks for those who helped me not only to survive the past few months but to rise from them ready to begin building something new.  May they be blessed and may I live up to their trust and their love.  Blessed Be

Monday, April 20, 2015

Are the Gods capricious?

Sometimes, when we have made the decision to finally, fully step onto the path with intent, but we have hesitated because we did not know where to begin, the Gods will give us a “push”.  They will answer our unformed intention, our unspoken desire, with what feels like a slap in the face or a kick in the teeth, or the rug being pulled out from under us.

Mine came eleven years ago as a very bad week at work and ultimately the loss of a job that was becoming a detriment to my life, my health, my sanity and my well-being.  It wasn’t a bad job.  It wasn’t unethical, nor was I treated poorly but, I was stuck in a cycle of stress, pressure, cocaine and crisis that I could not choose to walk away from.  I was deeply unhappy and I could not see a way out.  So Brighid found one for me.

I remember feeling incredibly relieved and smiling when I was told.  The cocaine use ended almost immediately and shortly thereafter I started massage school. I began to learn how to live in the moment, how to be present in my body, how to heal with my hands, how to move energy, and how to live mindfully.  For the next six years I had time to practice my faith both in my work and in my life,  In those years I found my coven and my community and began walking my path with direction and purpose. 

Five years ago, after my first degree initiation, I became a bonded member of my coven, began working as a banker, I left a marriage, began my second degree initiation process, and moved house three times in one year until I found my current home. In the four years since I landed in the home They intended for me, I have been promoted twice, completed my second degree initiation, quit my job, and returned to it, began my third degree initiation process, and began therapy.

I have learned to follow the path that is never clear, to listen to my intuition and correct my course, to see where it is that The Gods want me to go and to take each step toward that place one at a time, finding the next only after taking the one in front of me.  They have pushed me and kept me in my job even when I wanted to be doing something else.  They have allowed me to be alone and lonely, in love and disappointed.  They have pushed me to learn who I am and to dig into profoundly painful truths. 

But as long as I keep taking the next step, as long as I continue forward into that journey they intend for me, they have not needed to kick me in the teeth.

My Gods are not cruel, they are not capricious but, they do not care all that much about my comfort, or my “happiness”.  What they do seem to care about is my readiness to do the work and the evolution of my spirit.  I can only do the work if I am sane, healthy, strong and whole.  If my mind, heart, soul or body is encumbered by dysfunction or deformity, I am not as useful to them, or to my purpose, my family, my coven, my community or my world. 

If I am listening and willing to follow their guidance, they have no need to rain stones upon my head, they can simply whisper in my ear.  They will dance as lightly in my life as possible, or as brutally as necessary…the choice is mine.

They have never abandoned me, or asked me to do anything unethical or anything that I was not capable of doing (although I may not have believed it at the time).  They have always lead me to do that which was better for me…even when they needed to kick me in the teeth to get me there.  I am Blessed by my Gods and I Give Thanks.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Personal Ritual...

I love Ritual.  It appeals to both the orderly parts of me and to the parts of me that love magick, that need inspiration in order to live and be happy.

I have participated in some truly great rituals, I have written and facilitated some very good rituals, and I am a student of rituals and how they work.

My daily practice involves many small rituals. 

Rituals of Air…and breathing.

Rituals of Water…and cleansing.

Rituals of Earth…eating and grounding, and touching the Earth.

Rituals of Fire…lighting candles and insence.

Rituals of Spirit…listening to the winds and the trees, to water and to stones, to the Sun and the Moon and the Stars, and writing and creating.

Rituals of Gratitude...making offerings and prayers, singing. 

Rituals of Healing...and listening to self.

Rituals of Love and Life…cuddling with Pwca, and touching with Lovers, and sharing community with Beloveds.

Rituals give my life order and structure…and magick and inspiration.

Life is ritual…

On the power and necessity of Water...

My body needs water.

I need to drink water to keep my body clean inside, to keep it healthy and strong, to keep it clear of toxins and stagnation.  I need to have clean water flowing through me to be well.

I need water flowing over my body.  I need it to flow over my hands and my feet to clear off the detritus that clings after walking about in the world.  I need it to clear my subtle bodies of the stuff of life that does not nurture.

I need it flowing through my heart, mind and soul, and from my heart, mind and soul.  I need it to flow like the river, so that the pressure does not become too great and burst the container, so that it does not stagnate and become toxic.

Water is the universal solvent.  It cleans away detritus and toxins and stagnation.  Flowing, it has strength and force that can accomplish great movement and change.  It carves and wears and shapes and moves all that it comes in contact with.  It is the most fluid and mutable and yet tangible element of all.

I am mist and rain and torrent and snowfall…and I am the river and the lake…and a wave in the universal Ocean.

Water is Life.