Saturday, July 27, 2013

Side Trips and the Things We Learn from Them...

I sat in an exit interview today and when I had finished saying what honor required, I was asked to rescind my resignation and remain with the bank in a position outside of the situation that I left.  I was told that I was needed.  It is nice to be valued and appreciated.  It also feels good to be going back to work next week.  I dislike being a “quitter” and I need to work.

So what was all of this for?  Was it all a waste of time if I am simply going back?  No.  It was not a waste.  It was one of the most important learning experiences I have ever had.  I learned things that I would never have learned unless I had experienced these past few weeks.

I learned to respect my own gifts and talents and to access my own strength and light.  I learned to listen to my inner voice, instincts and intuitions, and to act on them. I learned to trust in my own wisdom and hard work.  I learned to really look at the rules that I live my life by and recognize where they come from and let go of the ones that do not come from my own inner truth.  I learned to sit with the unknown, with no plan, and not panic.

Each step of the way I learned things that, if I had not taken each step, I could not have learned.  Some things have to be experienced.  Sometimes it is necessary to step off the path and take a side trip even if it seems to lead nowhere, to “a place that is not a place and a time that is not a time” even if you need to return to the path exactly where you left it.  It may seem that you have gained no ground and that you have only wasted time but that is not the case.  You return to the path with clearer sight, better understanding and sometimes even happier circumstances.  It has cost you time but, what you have gained is of greater value than what you have sacrificed.

I am amazed and grateful for the side trip and for the lessons.  I am also grateful for the opportunity to go forward and to get back to work. And for the freedom from fear that those lessons have provided to me. I Give Thanks.

Sunday, July 21, 2013


Having left my job without another secured, I have been searching actively every day.  I spend a lot of time looking for jobs to apply to. I have also been fighting against the feeling that I should feel guilty and miserable and do nothing except job search until I secure the ONE position that will absolve me of my “sin”. 

A full-time, day-shift, office job that pays enough to meet my obligations.  Some of the parameters I have placed on it are mine.  No Sales, close to home.  But a lot of the “rules” do not come from me; they come from someone else who gave me the rules years ago.  I am still trying to comply with someone else’s idea of what my life needs to look like.   

Finally, yesterday after a very vivid dream that began the process, a conversation with my ex-husband (the source of some of the original “rules”), a conversation with my High Priestess’ youngest son (who is currently in college) and a few hours spent with a wolf-pup (all dogs are wolves), I had an epiphany. 

I live alone, with just my Pwca (and he cannot tell time).  I am not a morning person.  I like a lot of different things and can do a lot of different things.  I really miss actively practicing massage.  I don’t like being constrained, or having all of my “eggs in one basket”.  I like structure and I crave freedom.  I am capable of creating the structure I need.

It finally occurred to me that I can build the life I want to build.  It can look the way I want it to.  I do not have to please anyone but me and Pwca and all he cares about is that I am happy and healthy and home regularly.  He has finally begun to play again.  I had been very concerned for his welfare lately as he has been lethargic (reflecting my ill health).

So I have been daydreaming and imagining what I WANT my life to be.  I am continuing to search in the traditional way but I am considering part-time jobs, evening shifts, and doing many things at many places.  Meeting new people, becoming a part of my mundane community, and having fun.  A few shifts at one place doing one type of work, a shift here and a shift there doing different things in different places.  Having time to give a massage to someone once in a while, having time to write and of course having time to spend with my Moonfire, my community, my family and friends.

Having faith in myself, in my Gods, Ancestors and Guides.  Having faith in my abilities and my own hard work.  Living in faith and not in fear.  Living out loud, without the need for an escape route.   I have always wanted to be that person.  And yes, it helps immensely to know that my family and friends have my back, that failure will not be catastrophic.  That Pwca and I will never be homeless or starving (or separated). 

But I am not so focused on the possibility of failure; fear is not the overriding principle in my life.  I want to remain in my treehouse and if I can build my life the way I want, I will.  The future is as yet unknown and unwritten, but I am finally able to imagine it like I never have before.  I am not afraid.  I can create that which I dream.  I can build the life I truly want.  

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Leap of Faith

I have done something foolish.  Or at least my pessimistic, doubting, Eyore voice tells me that it was foolish.  I have left my job without another offer on the table.  There are a few offers pending, I hope.  But as of yesterday, I do not have a job.  I have enough money to pay the rent and the bills for a while, I have a few job offers pending and there are a few positions that I can take to get by, if it comes to that.  I have parents, siblings and an ex-husband and friends who will not let me fall on my face.  But I have no clear picture of the future, no guarantee in writing.  No sure-thing plan.

This was a leap of faith.  It was a response to my body, heart, soul, mind, and lower self.  I should think I would be panicked right now.  I should think that my middle, talking self would be screaming at me to “take it back”.  But I am not panicked, not even middle self.  I am calm and peaceful and I feel well.  I slept well, I am eating, I did not empty my stomach this morning as soon as I got out of bed. I no longer feel in danger.

The divination that I have done shows me that this is the right action.  My parents and others whose opinions and advice I respect also support me in this.  But mostly my body tells me that this was necessary and that it will all be ok.

I will be spending my days actively pursuing employment. I will be spending time cleaning and organizing my home and spending time with my Pwca. I will be spending time in the natural world as well.  I will be spending time reading and writing and doing magick to bring a healthy and prosperous job. I will take advantage of the time until I start the new job (the one I do not have yet) to re-set my energetic state and that of my home, to do magick to cleanse myself, heal myself and prepare myself.  

I am also hoping to use it to spend time with some of my loved ones who I have not been able to enjoy since this past challenge began.  Isolation has been one of the worst aspects of it.  I have been suffocating and now I need to breathe. 

This is a thing I could never have seen myself doing.  I am more than a little surprised at myself for being able to step out of the situation without a clear plan, a guaranteed safety net.  I had been looking for the lessons and this was never one I had imagined but, I am glad that I made the leap.  

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Journeys of the Runes

I have begun a new blog focused upon the Elder Futhark and the Journeys I have taken inspired by the Runes.  Join me there if you like.

This blog will continue to stay on point regarding my spiritual journey through the Shadows and the Light.

Good Journeys and Blessed Be.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Following my Inner Voice; Instinct and Intuition

I have been struggling lately with a life change that I pursued because I thought it was what I was supposed to do.  I followed other people’s direction, despite a nagging feeling in my gut (and by that I mean not only my lower self but, my middle and upper selves as well) that made me ambivalent about the change.  I took a new position at my job.  The pay was more, it was a promotion and all indications were that it would be good for me and for my future. 

So, I ignored my own instincts and my own intuition.  I followed other people’s direction and after two months I have come to realize that I was horribly wrong to do so.  I spent the past two months struggling to make it feel right.  Trying every strategy and spell I know.  Being patient and settling in and waiting for the stresses of change to pass.

In the past, I would have just kept showing up, and pushing through.  But I can’t seem to do that anymore.  Before I would have waited until I suffered a break so bad that I would have needed to spend months or even longer recovering.   I am no longer willing to do that damage to myself before making a change.  I don’t like change.  I don’t usually initiate change unless I am so uncomfortable that it is impossible not to do so.   

My intuition tells me that this is now the case.  That I am this uncomfortable because I would not make the changes I need to otherwise.  My instinct tells me that I am not safe, that I am not where I should be.  And it is time for me to start listening to my own inner voices. 

I have done divination to verify these impressions and I have received messages that I am protected in this unhealthy situation but, that change is needed without delay.  The message is that danger and illness surround me and that I will be protected but, only as long as necessary to change the situation, that choices will be the result of diligent pursuit and the application of my own strength and steadfast nature.   The “right” course of action is action, not waiting, not fighting.

I have been aggressively seeking other employment for the past ten days with no responses from any of the two dozen or so applications and resumes I have submitted.  Today I followed my intuition and took off from work.  I submitted an application on speculation and was called within the hour.  Less than two hours later I was sitting across from a very nice young man interviewing for a position that seems to be just what I am hoping for.
The money is likely to be slightly less but, the rest of the situation sounds ideal.  Money is important, but only in that I need enough to support myself and my companion.   There are so many other considerations that are equally important to me.  Being in a situation that is healthy for me is most important. 

If I had not been listening to my inner voice I would be continuing to expend my energy fighting to survive in an unhealthy environment.  I would not have submitted that application this morning.  I would not have been available to take the phone call or to interview this afternoon.  I would still be trying to fix my own shortcomings (because of course, that is the reason that I am unhappy where I am, not that the energy is toxic). 

I have learned some very important lessons, lessons that I am very grateful to have learned without having to suffer injury.  I have learned that I need to put my own instincts and intuition above the advice or agendas of others.  I have learned that I need to pay attention and not to ignore my inner voice.  I have learned that the knot in my center has important things to tell me and I have learned how to listen and to act without having to experience cataclysmic upheaval before recognizing the need and making a change.

The body is a great communicator of inner wisdom.  If I feel it in my body, I need be listening to it and following where it leads me.  I give thanks for lessons learned and for surviving them without damage.  And I give thanks for the opportunities to come.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Heroic Nature and Other Gifts

I would like to write about being courageous in the face of adversity.  I would like to say that, when faced with difficulty and the threat of conflict, I charged boldly ahead, heedless of the danger or the consequences.  I would like to be a devout believer who can jump off the cliff in perfect faith that I will be provided with protection or the ability to fly.  I would like to be a great warrior and desire nothing so much as a glorious death.

I have great admiration and respect for those courageous souls whose nature it is to charge forward, never weighing the costs nor measuring the power of their adversary.  Something in my heart is moved by the heroic ballads.  I fell in love with Beowulf in college and my feelings for him have not changed.  Heroic nature is a gift, but I have gifts as well.

I am not a great warrior.  I am not that full of faith nor that full of courage.  What I am, is cunning, calculating and capable of seeing most of the angles and planning for contingencies.  I am a survivor.  I am good at stealth and secrets.  I am good at self preservation.  I am good at protecting myself and others with silence.  I am good at quietly seeking freedom and attaining it without injury.

Sometimes I feel as though I should apologize to my gods or my ancestors or to those who are great warriors, as if what I am is an insult to them in some way, as if my way of surviving was somehow dishonorable.  But I do not believe that survival is dishonorable. I do not believe that secrets are deception, or that silence is always surrender. 

I come from a family of secret keepers.  I come from a family of hunters and pacifists and soldiers and bards.   The lessons of the owl, the fox, the cat, the deer, these are the lessons of silence, stealth, patience and survival.  These are my gifts.  Honor, valour, loyalty, discretion, subtlety and tenacity, these are also my gifts.

Secrecy is a gift.  I keep secrets.  Not just my own, but the secrets of others as well.  I consider it to be a sacred charge, a great honor, to be entrusted with the secrets of another.  Those who have secrets sometimes need to be able to share them without fear of betrayal.  For me, this is a point of honor, to not betray another’s confidence. 

Silence is a sacred gift.  To keep silence when to speak is not necessary or beneficial.  To sit in silence and listen, to keep my own council and to allow another to speak without intruding upon their thoughts, without giving my opinion or advise unless it is expressly requested.  To allow another the space and support to speak, to cry, to rage, without judgment or comment, this too is honor. 

Patience is a gift. Being able to see the angles and to plan quietly for contingencies helps me to survive, helps me to protect others.  Sometimes freedom can only be gained through careful and quiet planning.  Patient endurance, watching and waiting for the opportune moment to act is sometimes a more effective path to success.  

Survival is a gift.  I continue on, regardless of the great power of my adversary, I survive.  I do so by stealth, by being unseen in the dangerous place, by being mistaken for that which is no threat to power. 

Tenacity is a gift; I can be moved by inspiration or persuasion, but not by force.  I become contrary when pushed.  I may choose to follow one whom I respect, I may choose to risk much for the sake of that which I love, but I cannot be compelled. 

Subtlety is a gift, because I respond contrary to force, persuasion is my preferred means of moving others, of accomplishing my goals.  By seeming to be small and inconsequential I can accomplish more with subtlety and with thoughtfully and carefully chosen words, spoken softly, as a whisper in the ear. 

Discretion is a gift, so is valour.  I can be moved to valour, not simply courage, but valour.  I will rise and risk all for the sake of those whom I hold dear, but only when the need is real, only for a cause worthy of the risk.  Loyalty is a gift.  I am fiercely loyal to those who have earned my devotion, and they are the ones who can call me to valour.

These gifts might sound strange to you.  They are not what many would consider to be gifts at all but, in the long fight, they get the job done, often with much less conflict, less damage.    

Force, sound, light and action, these are the principles that I have been challenged to learn and to express. And I have discovered that I cannot do so in the way that another would.  I need to express my force, my voice, my light, my truth, my active will; with my gifts and in my way. 

Change without conflict, success without damage, resistance without bloodshed, revolution without war, building without destruction, transformation without cataclysm, this to me is the desired means of evolution.

Using my own gifts, learning to express my own will from the light that exists inside me, from my own place of strength and not from some external source or some idea of what I should be.  It is the union of polarities within me, not replacing my own light with that of another.