In Perfect Love and Perfect Trust

As we enter into ritual space as a Coven, each of us says aloud, “I enter this Circle in Perfect Love and Perfect Trust”. 

 At a Ritual a few months ago, I was asked by one of our guests why we say those words.   He was concerned that, if it was a requirement of entering Ritual with the Coven, he was not capable of meeting such a standard. 

 I reassured him that it was not a requirement, but rather an intention, an ideal to which we aspire, and that none of us are perfect in our practice of that ideal.  

If we cannot achieve such perfection, why would we use those words?  Because words have power, and stating our ideals, our intentions, helps us to remember our common goal, our aspirations, and our commitment to each other to continue to “practice” Perfect Love and Perfect Trust with each other, and with ourselves. 

While none of us can achieve Perfect Love and Perfect Trust all the time, there is magick in ritual, when we can reach beyond our limitations, and achieve for a moment, something beyond our own abilities.  Each time we reach beyond ourselves and achieve, if only for a moment, a glimpse of our ideal, we expand our own capacity for the practice of that to which we aspire.  We “practice” Perfect Love and Perfect Trust.  It is not just a quaint twist of language but a Truth that we “practice”.

We, as a Coven, have committed to “practicing” Perfect Love and Perfect Trust with each other.  It is an ideal that we have explored as a group and as individuals.  We have shared with each other what that ideal looks like, and discussed how we manifest that ideal, with Coven, with Community, with our loved ones and with ourselves.  We have all grown and learned and expanded our understanding of what those words mean, and how to put such ideals into practice in ritual and in our lives.

There is inherent risk in such work.  Just as we cannot achieve perfection in our practice, we are also, in our humanity, not ascended beings. We all have secrets; we all have shadows.  We will each, at some time or another, let another down in some way and we will all be let down by someone we love and trust.  This is a truth of human experience, Family, Friends, Lovers, Coven and Community.  So, what does it mean to practice “Perfect Love and Perfect Trust” in the light of such Truth?  Or do we give up such a lofty ideal in the attempt to avoid the pain that results from the inevitable?

It is my belief that the bonds of emotional intimacy that are forged by such work, and the vulnerability that is inherent in those bonds, hold the potential for greater magick and transformation. The opportunity to learn and to practice forgiveness, resilience, strength, courage, knowledge, wisdom and power with ourselves and with one-another is worth the risks of personal pain, from someone we love failing us, and from us failing someone we love.

Love is worth the risk of failure, and the risk of pain.  Love is worth vulnerability.  Love is great Magick.  Love is the Magick that can re-enchant the world. Love is the magick that can heal our world and ourselves. Perfect Love and Perfect Trust are ideals worth aspiring to and worth practicing.

May you be blessed with both.  Blessed Be!

sometimes I feel small...

I am the High Priestess of the Weavers of the Moonfire.  I have worked for years to earn the privilege to serve this coven, this family that I love.  I am blessed and honored to guide and nurture these amazing witches, as they seek knowledge, of themselves, of their path, of their own power and magick.  I find immense joy in fulfilling my purpose in guiding my beloveds as they seek to heal themselves, transform themselves into stronger, happier people. 

I have worked hard for years to know how big I truly am, big enough to do this, bigger than I was taught I should be.  And I am, big enough.  But sometimes I feel small.

There are days when I feel low, weary, anxious.  There are days when I do not feel big enough to do the work I love.  That does not mean that I am NOT big enough, that only means that sometimes I do not FEEL big enough.  

When I feel small, I can pretend that everything is fine but, that tends to give the smallness more power.  Last week I told my lover that I was feeling small.  He heard me, understood me, and reassured me that I would be big enough when I needed to be.  The smallness passed, as such feelings will, but I am grateful for the way he holds space for me to feel however I feel in any given moment.

We do not have to be big always.  We do not have to be strong every moment. We can allow ourselves to be human, small, weak, afraid even.  We can be sad, or wild, or angry, or mean.  We can feel petty and over-sensitive and churlish and childish and selfish.  (We do not have to indulge in behavior that hurts others just because we feel these things).  We do not need to be perfect. And when we are feeling small, we can ask for those we love to hear us, and hold space for us, and be patient with us until we are able to return to our better selves.  (And if some of that leaks into our behavior, we can ask for forgiveness.)

It is helpful to remember that I am a guide, and that those I care for need me to walk the path that they will walk but, they will walk it for themselves.  I do not need to be any bigger than is needed to hold the torch so they can see the path before them.  And even when I feel small, I am big enough.  Blessed Be.

Joys and Sorrows and Blessings...

So, there have been many changes in my life in the past 6 months or so, and for the sake of continuity, I thought to mention them. 

On Sunday September 11^th, I received my 3^rd degree initiation from my Tradition.  The Ritual was challenging and profound and I am still working through the magick of it and I will be for a while to come.

On Sunday September 25^th, the Weavers of the Moonfire, my Coven, hived to give birth to a new Coven.  My High Priestess and best friend, and half of our number, were released and dedicated the new Coven, and I became the High Priestess of my Beloved Moonfire. It was a beautiful day and bittersweet for all of us.

On the day after my birthday, Saturday October 1^st, Pwca and I moved into a new home with two wonderful people and their sweet kitten, Luna.  And then Pwca’s health began to fail. 

On Sunday December 4th, I graduated from Gryphon’s Grove School of Shamanism and celebrated the achievement with friends with whom I have been blessed to Journey for the past two years.  Some amazingly gifted witches and healers whom I would not have known otherwise.

On Monday morning, December 19^th my beloved familiar and my companion for over 6 years crossed over.  It was a very difficult loss and I still miss him. 

On Saturday January 14^th, I found my sweet Gwion at the local shelter and, brought him home to Caer Ddraig.  He has settled in and is a joy and a comfort to me every day.

Life is full of changes, full of both Joy and Sorrow, and the future is never exactly the way we think it will be.  I give thanks for the life I have, for home and companion, for housemates and Coven, for friends and family and lovers and allies and teachers. 

I am blessed and I give thanks.  Blessed Be.

Grief and Conflict

We are humans, all of us.  Regardless of our spiritual paths or our religious beliefs, we are not immune to the truth that death is a part of our experience.  We will all lose people we love and we will all have to work through our grief over those losses.  None of us get a pass on this in life.  

Seventeen days ago, my younger brother died unexpectedly and suddenly.  We have shared more than one lifetime together, as well as our bloodline.  I loved Him and we had conflict between us, and we stopped working on our relationship about two decades ago.   

Sometimes we will lose someone we love without warning, with no time to prepare or to say our farewells.  And as is the nature of relationships, either family or lovers or friends, sometimes that loss will be of one with whom we have conflict.  Love and conflict are more often companions than mutually exclusive conditions.  For conflict with one we do not love is often reason enough to walk away from another person but, we will persist in spite of conflict if we love another.  And so, grief is often complicated by unresolved conflict with the one we loved and lost. 

We each grieve in our own way, and in our own time.  For me it is a delayed experience.  For the first two weeks, my perception of reality was surreal, often blurry and out of proportion.  Then life became normal again and my grief began to visit me at night.  When all is quiet and my mind can identify what my heart and soul are actually grieving and, my heart and soul can feel that grief, it is the conflict that I feel, and the pain of that conflict and the anger that it exists. 

Another conflict that accompanies grief is that in moments of unexpected emotional crisis, old habits of behavior, old patterns of relating within the family, reassert themselves.  Conscious effort is required to recognize these habits and patterns and to re-establish newer skills and ways of being.  It challenges my sense of self, and forces me to reexamine my relationships with those whom I love who remain.

I have work to do.  Including the work of reaching out to Him whom I have lost to assist in what way I can, and to ask Him to work with me to make some peace between us before the next life we share.  May our Ancestors and my Gods and Allies bless us and assist us in this work.  Blessed be. 

Y Gwir Yn Erbyn Y Byd!

The Grand Sword of the Gorsedd of Bards 

“Y Gwir Yn Erbyn Y Byd” The Welsh proverb “The Truth against the World” is only the beginning of a ritual litany.   

Before the National Eisteddfod (a bardic competition of singing, recitation and instrumental mastery celebrating Welsh identity, language and culture) can commence, the Gorsedd (gathering) of Bards conducts a ritual in which the Grand Sword (upon which these words are inscribed) is partially unsheathed and laid upon a stone altar.

The call is made “Y Gwir yn Erbyn y Byd!” The Truth against the World!

The response is a question “A oes Heddwch?" Is there Peace?

Then comes the call “Calon wrth Galon!" (Heart to Heart!) and again the question “A oes Heddwch?"

Then finally the call "Gwaedd uwch Adwaedd! A oes Heddwch?” (Shout above the shouting! Is there peace?)  

The Eisteddfod cannot commence until the Gorsedd has declared Peace among them.

These words move me.  I have written before about the meaning that “Truth against the World” holds for me but; this past week I have been thinking about them a great deal.  My Third degree Initiation into my Tradition will occur in two weeks. It is an initiation into Service, as clergy and leadership in my Coven and my Tradition.  It is the beginning of a new leg of my journey. 

And I have been contemplating my purpose in this world in light of this new phase.  “Truth against the World” is a large part of that purpose, but it is only the beginning, only the starting point.  It is not about Truth for truth’s sake but, Truth for the greater purpose of Peace.  My heart calls out for Truth, for Love, for Healing of our World, and for Peace. 

Two days ago I had these words, Y Gwir Yn Erbyn Y Byd, inscribed (tattooed) upon my right forearm in red script, to commemorate the beginning of this stage in my life but, also to remind me every time I see them of my purpose, and of the entire litany.  To remind myself to ask the question “A oes Heddwch?"  Do I bring Peace?

I am not a pacifist, although I respect those who hold that place in our world.  My heart longs for Peace but, not for peace at any cost. Peace without Liberty is not Peace but rather oppression.  My purpose is Peace and Freedom, my purpose is Peace through Truth.  May my Gods, Ancestors and Allies bless me in my purpose.

Y Gwir Yn Erbyn Y Byd!

Returning to Balance

My first instinct is to apologize for my silence over the past six months but, I remember that there is no one to apologize to, and that even if there were, I have nothing to apologize for.

There have been many changes in my life this year, and many of them I could not process while experiencing them.  Sometimes we have to ride the waves and then process on the shore.  Only after we have returned home can we put a framework around our experiences. 

In the past two months I left my position with my employer, only to be reinstated within two weeks time in a new position at a new location. During those two weeks I moved from my tree-house (where Pwca and I had lived for four and a half years) to a new home in a new town.  I turned 50 and have completed my physical transition into crone (at least the medical definition).  I have begun a new phase in my therapy and a new focus in my studies.  

I have come out the other side of a very dark time, and I am beginning a new adventure in just about every area of my life.

At Samhaine I received messages about my need for balance.  Time engaging in community and laying the foundation for the future, time with my beloveds, and time alone to write and to practice magick, are each desirable and necessary.  I am capable of doing all of these things.  Balancing them is a skill that I am learning.  Recognizing, respecting and communicating boundaries are skills I need to practice if I am to serve my beloveds as well as my own soul.

Returning to my writing is also necessary.  Because communicating about the joy and beauty I find in the world, in my community, with my Gods and Allies and Ancestors and beloveds, is one of the ways I fulfill my purpose. Expressing that joy and beauty helps me to remember it every day, which is how I find light among the shadows.  Blessed be.

The Garden Forge; a visit to Brighid

You are standing in a clearing on a hill, surrounded by woods.

Before you stands a stone tower, the surface half-covered with moss.

There are ancient symbols carved into the stones and as you try to decipher them you notice a rough wooden door, dark with age.

You pull on the latch and slowly, the door opens enough to allow you to enter.

Inside it is quiet. Light filters in from windows high above and the air smells of wood smoke and blackberries. The floor is smooth and worn.  There is a stair to your left spiraling upward and to your right leading down.

You turn to your left and begin to ascend the stair.  The stone steps are even and smooth and easy to climb.  The light and air are warm and fragrant.  You can see glimpses of blue sky through the high narrow windows above you and you climb step by step up and around and up and up and up and around.  You can no longer see the door but you keep climbing wondering when you will reach the top.  Just as you are considering turning back you come to another door. 

The stair continues to spiral even further upward and you consider continuing your ascent but you notice a hammer hanging by the door. 

The door is a warm golden wood finely carved with intricate spirals and graceful symbols.  You test the latch and the door opens smoothly and easily outward into an orchard, filled with the sunshine of a bright summer day.  There is a path through the trees in front of you lined with blackberry bushes full of ripe black sweet berries.

You hear the sound of a hammer striking an anvil in a regular rhythm and you follow the orchard path to the source of the sound.   The trees are large and in full leaf and you cannot see beyond the ones immediately surrounding you. But you keep following the sound until just when you begin to think that the sound is actually your own heartbeat you step out from the next tree and find a roofed structure with no walls. 

Beneath the roof is a Forge.  The coals are glowing and a woman stands at the anvil beating the metal she is working, with the hammer in her hand. She is tall with a strong body and a presence that is even larger.  She seems to take up all the space within the forge.  Her short red hair, her entire body, seem to glow with flame. 

She plunges the piece into the basin of water beside her and the steam rises.  She then looks at you with bright hazel eyes and smiles a warm and welcoming smile, wiping sweat from her brow with her forearm.

This is Brighid, the Goddess of Smiths, the Mother of Midwives, and the Muse of Poets.  Warrior, Healer and Fiery Arrow.  Go to her and she will transform you, speak with her and she will heal you, listen to her and she will inspire you. 

When you feel it is time to go, thank the Lady and take your leave of Her.  Follow the path through the orchard back to the tower. The door stands open and you enter and descend the stair then pass through the open door to the place where you began.

Rebuilding...

For the past few months I have been undergoing a process of deconstruction, of tearing down everything that I count on, everything that I believe.  The destruction of my internal structures, the resurrection of unresolved memories, and the complete desolation of self had left me nothing but the core of my pathology, a crippled creature to be put down.  At one point a few weeks ago I was as far down into the abyss as I can ever remember being. 

My sister and Priestess was worried about me and said so, calling me to account and making me admit to the place I was occupying.  My brother and priest recognized that I was on the edge and pushed and poked until I lost the last bit of my control and, like a spring wound too tightly, I became un-sprung.  My beloved kinsman gave me objective guidance and tools to assist me in learning skills that I have lacked.  My lover held me and listened and talked and kept me from total isolation by giving me the comfort of his company and the wisdom of his own experience with his own abyss. 

I had lost my vision, I had lost my desire to continue to engage, to serve, I had nothing but doubt that I would ever be able to become what I need to be, even survival was not a sure thing but, I kept fighting.  And I am once again able to see the vision of what I can be.  I have remembered the desire to serve.  I have regained my feet and have discovered that I am not crippled.  I have found that lack of balance means I need to learn to dance in the void. 

Many of the ways in which I had functioned will not serve me in the work I hope to do.  I have begun new work, I am learning new skills, and engaging in new relationship with Deity.   I am rebuilding a new structure. I have a new vision of how to build a structure that will serve me and those I love.  One with more open space and less obstructions, less obstacles, with bigger windows to let in more light and to let in more air, to let the fires burn warmer and brighter, to let the waters flow more freely. 

I give thanks for those who helped me not only to survive the past few months but to rise from them ready to begin building something new.  May they be blessed and may I live up to their trust and their love.  Blessed Be

Are the Gods capricious?

Sometimes, when we have made the decision to finally, fully step onto the path with intent, but we have hesitated because we did not know where to begin, the Gods will give us a “push”.  They will answer our unformed intention, our unspoken desire, with what feels like a slap in the face or a kick in the teeth, or the rug being pulled out from under us.

Mine came eleven years ago as a very bad week at work and ultimately the loss of a job that was becoming a detriment to my life, my health, my sanity and my well-being.  It wasn’t a bad job.  It wasn’t unethical, nor was I treated poorly but, I was stuck in a cycle of stress, pressure, cocaine and crisis that I could not choose to walk away from.  I was deeply unhappy and I could not see a way out.  So Brighid found one for me.

I remember feeling incredibly relieved and smiling when I was told.  The cocaine use ended almost immediately and shortly thereafter I started massage school. I began to learn how to live in the moment, how to be present in my body, how to heal with my hands, how to move energy, and how to live mindfully.  For the next six years I had time to practice my faith both in my work and in my life,  In those years I found my coven and my community and began walking my path with direction and purpose. 

Five years ago, after my first degree initiation, I became a bonded member of my coven, began working as a banker, I left a marriage, began my second degree initiation process, and moved house three times in one year until I found my current home. In the four years since I landed in the home They intended for me, I have been promoted twice, completed my second degree initiation, quit my job, and returned to it, began my third degree initiation process, and began therapy.

I have learned to follow the path that is never clear, to listen to my intuition and correct my course, to see where it is that The Gods want me to go and to take each step toward that place one at a time, finding the next only after taking the one in front of me.  They have pushed me and kept me in my job even when I wanted to be doing something else.  They have allowed me to be alone and lonely, in love and disappointed.  They have pushed me to learn who I am and to dig into profoundly painful truths. 

But as long as I keep taking the next step, as long as I continue forward into that journey they intend for me, they have not needed to kick me in the teeth.

My Gods are not cruel, they are not capricious but, they do not care all that much about my comfort, or my “happiness”.  What they do seem to care about is my readiness to do the work and the evolution of my spirit.  I can only do the work if I am sane, healthy, strong and whole.  If my mind, heart, soul or body is encumbered by dysfunction or deformity, I am not as useful to them, or to my purpose, my family, my coven, my community or my world. 

If I am listening and willing to follow their guidance, they have no need to rain stones upon my head, they can simply whisper in my ear.  They will dance as lightly in my life as possible, or as brutally as necessary…the choice is mine.

They have never abandoned me, or asked me to do anything unethical or anything that I was not capable of doing (although I may not have believed it at the time).  They have always lead me to do that which was better for me…even when they needed to kick me in the teeth to get me there.  I am Blessed by my Gods and I Give Thanks.

Personal Ritual...

I love Ritual.  It appeals to both the orderly parts of me and to the parts of me that love magick, that need inspiration in order to live and be happy.

I have participated in some truly great rituals, I have written and facilitated some very good rituals, and I am a student of rituals and how they work.

My daily practice involves many small rituals. 

Rituals of Air…and breathing.

Rituals of Water…and cleansing.

Rituals of Earth…eating and grounding, and touching the Earth.

Rituals of Fire…lighting candles and insence.

Rituals of Spirit…listening to the winds and the trees, to water and to stones, to the Sun and the Moon and the Stars, and writing and creating.

Rituals of Gratitude...making offerings and prayers, singing. 

Rituals of Healing...and listening to self.

Rituals of Love and Life…cuddling with Pwca, and touching with Lovers, and sharing community with Beloveds.

Rituals give my life order and structure…and magick and inspiration.

Life is ritual…

Freyja-Vanadis; a new relationship...

Twenty-one years ago, when I began this journey and began meeting the Gods and building relationships with them, I learned the story of Freyja-Vanadis, the Vanir Goddess of love, sex, beauty, war, death and magick who lived with the Aesir and learned the Runes from Odin and in return taught Seidr to the All-Father.  At that time, and for years after, I made petition to Her to work with me, but the Lady was silent. 

I have always believed that She heard me and that Her silence was Her answer…I was not ready.  It was not that I was unsuitable, or that I was unworthy…I was simply not ready to learn the lessons that she would teach me.  I had work to do, other lessons to learn, skills to develop, before I could understand or effectively practice the magick that she had to teach me.

I attended the Conjure Dance at Sacred Space/Between the Worlds Conference a couple of weeks ago and, this year I was successful in opening enough to enter trance and converse with the Gods.

I spoke with and heard the voices of Beloved Deities with whom I have had relationships for years.  It was profoundly moving and I am grateful that the work that I have done in this past year was successful.  It was something that I have spent a great deal of energy and focus on and it meant a great deal to me to discover that I am indeed capable of opening enough, and to do so in the presence of other human beings.

But the most surprising voice was that  of the Lady.   Freyja-Vanadis spoke to me.  And what She said to me was this,

“Now, you are ready”.

And so I am once again building  a new relationship with the Goddess.  She has already brought many new experiences and insights, new friendships and new perspectives, a new understanding of my Self and of my work in the world, and of my service to others, and of the nature of love.  And I see more clearly what I have now that I did not have then.  

I am both honored and filled with hope to begin the work that She and I will do together…to begin the work that She would teach me.  I am also filled with the joy I find in knowing Her.

Hail Freyja-Vanadis, Lady of Light, Beauty, Fire, Passion, Joy, Magick and Love! Hail and Welcome!

Cernunnos; into the woods

My Coven’s Patron is the Horned God Cernunnos, Lord of the Wild, both the wild within the Natural World and within the Human Soul.

The following is a Journey I wrote a couple of years ago as a way to introduce others to my Beloved Wild God.  I hope you enjoy the experience.  Good Journey.

You are standing in a clearing on a hill, surrounded by woods.

Before you stands a stone tower, the surface half-covered with moss.

There are ancient symbols carved into the stones and as you try to decipher them you notice a rough wooden door, dark with age.

You pull on the latch and slowly, the door opens enough to allow you to enter.

Inside it is quiet. Air warm as a summer night drifts down from windows high above. The floor is smooth and worn.  There is a stair to your left spiraling upward and to your right leading down.

You turn to your left and begin to ascend the stair.  The stone steps are even and smooth and easy to climb.  The air is warm and fragrant.  You can see glimpses of a starry sky through the high narrow windows above you and you climb step by step up and around and up and up and up and around.  You can no longer see the door but you keep climbing wondering when you will reach the top.  Just as you are considering turning back you come to another door. 

The stair continues to spiral even further upward and you consider continuing your ascent but you are drawn to the door. It is a warm golden wood carved with spirals and ancient symbols.  You test the latch and the door opens smoothly and easily outward into a forest of ancient trees in full green, the stars of the summer night sparkling through the leaves and branches high above your head. 

Fire flies glow and blink their green light everywhere between the trees and as you watch them you notice a path before you and a creature standing in the path some yards ahead.  It is large and very still and you have to look for a few moments before you can discern what the creature is.  Then you begin to make out the graceful antlers reaching up from its brow and you know that the creature standing so still, waiting for you, is a Great Stag.  And He is indeed waiting.  You step forward onto the path and the Stag begins to walk away from you. You stop and he stops looking back at you and waiting, so you step forward again and follow the magnificent creature as it leads you down the path deep into the forest.

You follow the Stag for what seems a very long distance.  You begin to worry that you will be lost in these woods but then the Stag disappears around a bend in the path and when you reach the spot, your heart pounding from the fear that you have lost your guide, you find yourself in a glade, the Stag indeed gone from sight. 

The ground is clear and smooth, a small brook flows along one side and there reclining beside the brook, playing with the flowing water with one hand, is a very strange looking man.

He is naked and his long brown hair is braided with vines and feathers and from his brow raises a graceful pair of antlers.

This is Cernunnos.  Green Man and Horned God.  Lord of the Forest, Lord of the Beasts.  The Wild God. 

He looks up at you and grins, his eyes sparkling with mischief and what seems like laughter.  He doesn’t speak but rises and you hear plainly in your head “Lets Run!”

 He runs, and you follow.  You find that despite what you would have expected you are able to run as fast as He.  Faster and easier than you ever have, leaping higher and with more power and grace than you have ever known. It is exhilarating and your heart beats and your blood rushes through your veins and your muscles move with a strength and agility you have only ever dreamt of.   You Run and run  until you finally lose sight of him and you stop running, not even a little out of breath and step forward into the glade and find him as you did before.

Drink from the brook, cool your brow if you wish, relax on the soft ground.  Spend as much time as you like with the God.

When you feel it is time to go, thank the God and take your leave of Him.  Follow the path back to the tower. The door stands open and you enter and descend the stair then pass through the Door to the place where you began.

Arianrhod; a journey to the Temple of the Moon

I am a daughter of Arianrhod.  I have not written a great deal about my Patroness.  I have made reference to Herself many times and the ways in which She has led me on my journey.  It is my intention to write more about my own experience of Herself but, She will be known to those She calls on Her own terms and so first I will offer this journey. 

This is a journey to the Temple of the Moon, a place to meet with Her face to face.  I wrote this journey a few years ago, it was a gift given to me by the Lady Herself as a means of guiding others to a place where they could meet with Her.  Blessed Journey.

 You are standing beside a lake, a soft mist is rising from its glassy surface.  The moon overhead is full and bright in a deep sky, filled with stars.

Before you on the bank is a small white boat tied to stone moorings.  There are ancient symbols and graceful spirals etched into the stones. You climb into the boat and sit and it moves, out into the lake. 

The surface of the lake appears undisturbed as the boat carries you farther and farther from the shore.  You try to see into the dark water but, the still surface only reflects the moon and the stars in the dark sky overhead.  The mist that rises from the water surrounds the boat and you can no longer see the shore, indeed you can see nothing in any direction but the sky above, the water below and the mist all around you.  You are engulfed in dark water, and dark sky and mist, silver in the moonlight.  Surrounded by millions of stars.

You smell only clean water and hear only the soft lapping against the sides of the boat as it continues to carry you, you know not where.  Just as you begin to despair that you will be lost in the mists forever, the mist clears and you see an island.  It is heavily forested with tall ancient trees.  The boat comes to rest and as you step out onto the stone moorings you notice the same symbols and spirals etched into their surfaces.

A stone stair leads up into the woods from the landing and you begin to climb.  The moonlight through the trees is bright and illuminates the stair as you climb up and up through the trees, their branches whispering in the soft breeze.  You notice an owl gliding silently above you and you watch her for a moment. 

When you bring your focus back to the stair you have reached the top and before you is a circular structure.  Tall graceful arches surround a stone floor.  The bright Moon and starry sky illuminate the arches and the floor and they shine silver in the moon-bright night.

At the archway before you is a silver basin of water and a small silver bell.  You purify yourself with these and enter the Temple of the Moon.  The Temple is filled with Moonlight and a woman stands before you.  Her hair and skin are shining silver and she seems clothed in moonlight.  She holds a silver wheel sparkling with stars in her hands.

This is Arianrhod, Lady of the moon and stars, Keeper of the silver wheel, Goddess of Fate.  She greets you and you speak with her.  Ask what questions you will.  You may dance in celebration if you wish.

When you feel it is time to go, Thank the Lady and take your leave of Her and descend the stair, the boat will take you back to the place that you began.

Developing Relationships with Deity...and anyone else...

Relationship is the mutual understanding and exchange between two individuals.  The nature of that understanding and exchange is determined by the nature of the individuals involved.  If they are both persons of honor, the exchange is positive.  This is the type of relationship I seek.  Not every individual is honorable, honest, ethical or worthy of respect and trust.  These people, no matter if they are human or other, are best avoided.  That being said, how do I know that the person with whom I am engaging is indeed someone I can trust?

Meeting someone new is always a challenge for me.  I have a default setting of “do not trust”.  That has not changed throughout my life but, I have learned to trust myself and my own intuition and judgment.   Not every person, human or other, is worthy of trust, but many are and if I choose to never trust anyone, I rob myself of a great deal of joy, growth and love. 

That being the case I take a long time to get to know people.  I learn everything I can about them from as many sources as I can. I seek out the worst that anyone has to say about them and the best. I evaluate the motives and veracity of those sources and try to find as many unbiased opinions as I can. I observe their behavior as much as possible when they are most likely to be uncensored.  Then I begin to test the waters to see how they will relate to me.  I test everything they say against my logical and skeptical mind and with my heart and my inner ear and my “gut”.  When I have finally decided to trust someone, I know that this person is worthy of my trust and perhaps of my devotion and loyalty.

 

I believe that the process works for any person, human or other, with whom I may choose to build a relationship.  Most people can be trusted to act according to their nature and if I understand what that is, I can trust that.  I do not expect the Dark Mother to be full of light, I do trust that she will destroy that which does not serve my greater good and so long as I do not fight her work in my life, she will dance with me as gently as possible and as brutally as necessary.  If you invoke a Deity into your life, there is a point at which you must realize that they do not answer to you.  I do not surrender my own free will or my responsibility for my choices.  Just because Deity asks me to do something does not release me of responsibility for it, I still have to choose.

Once I have decided that this is a person of honor and worthy of trust and respect and that I desire to build a relationship, how do I proceed?  I begin by learning everything I can about their nature.  I learn their stories, their history and about their culture and family of origin.  I look at images that they have inspired.  I meditate on them and have a conversation.  I ask them if they will work with me.  I find out what they want from me in return and what they think I can learn from them.  I tell them what I am hoping for.  I am respectful and honest.  They may tell me that they will not work with me at this time, or that what I am asking is not appropriate.  That is not the rejection that it sounds like.  If they are worthy of my desire to build a relationship, then they are worthy of trusting when they tell me no.  

If the happy result is that the Deity I wish to work with indeed accepts my petition, then I continue to learn about them and share my stories with them.  They may very well know a great deal about me but, the act of sharing my truth with them can be an important part of the process.  Sometimes as I hear my own words speak my own truth I can come to a greater understanding of that truth or discover inaccuracies in my beliefs about my life and myself. 

I like to create alters to Deity in my home.  I enjoy using them as a focus for my meditations with that Deity and as a place of devotion to them.  It is my way of telling them and reminding myself that they are welcome in my home and in my life, that my relationship with them is important to me.  And sometimes simply as a visual reminder to my own mind and heart that I am not alone and that I need to spend time in communion with my Gods. 

I spend time there talking with my Gods, sharing my heart, discussing my thoughts and ideas, asking for their guidance and thanking them for their gifts.  I make offerings and honor vows made to them.  I do divinations as a way of receiving their guidance.  I sing invocations or recite poetry that they have inspired in me.  I make offerings to them and create gifts for them.   I sit quietly and listen. 

When learning about the Gods I read as much of the original lore as I can get my hands on and as much academic and historic scholarship as I can find. I read inspirational material as well.  I read it all and give appropriate value to those works written by true scholars.  Personal gnosis is wonderful but it is just that, personal.  Every relationship is unique to the individuals involved.  One witch’s experience of a God is not going to be identical to mine. I also take into consideration that often the lore was written by human beings with limited understanding and perhaps personal bias and conflicting agendas, and I try to focus on the actual stories and not on the narrative commentary in which they may be cloaked.

This is the beginning of my process in developing relationship with my Gods, Ancestors or Allies, be they Deity, Human, Fae or Other.  It is a practice that I consider to be fundamental to my faith and my work.  Relationship is an essential part of my path.  I give thanks for the relationships with which I have been blessed.  Blessed Be.

The Journey...

The foundation of my personal spiritual practice is not something that I do every day (except for a week or two for very specific reasons).  It is something that I did not begin practicing until I was 28 years old, when I read my first book about the path I am now walking.

The Celtic Shaman by John Mathews was a book that I found in a “normal” bookstore in town while attending a very conservative Christian University.  I had moved to South Carolina and was living in a camper off campus in an attempt to complete my degree at the University my parents had sent me to when I left the College in Indiana.  It was a very intense four months of self-discovery and a very painful time of darkness.  In that book I first read the names of my Gods.  I first learned that there were stories and poems about the Gods of my Ancestors.  And through that book I experienced my first Journey into the Otherworlds.  That book changed my life forever.  That Journey and every Journey since saved my life.

For years I had no other practice but journey and building relationships, I did not even write for almost 14 years except for a rare poem or two.  And those Journeys eventually led me to my beloved Coven and Community.  My Patroness has led me through the Journey and I have met many who guide and strengthen me.  

If I lost all else, I would still have my relationships with my Gods, my Ancestors and my Allies, I would still have joy in my heart and the sustaining practice of the journey.
I give thanks for all of those with Whom I have relationship and for the new Allies I meet as I continue my journey on this path.  Blessed am I on this path.  

So Mote it Be

I spent New Year’s Eve the way I do every year, doing magick and journeying all night to gain guidance from my Gods, Ancestors and Allies. I look back on the past year to remember the lessons and the moments of profound joy and the moments of understanding.  I seek to hear the voices of those who guide me to discover what they would have me do, where I should focus my attention and efforts. 

This year I am in the process of doing the work to accomplish my third degree initiation.  This year They have given me more than guidance, this year They have given me specific imperatives.  In every area of my life there are specific things that I must accomplish if I would follow ALL that they require of me.

I must be writing every day.  I must be actively crafting poetry and create at least one poem each month.  I must write at least one chapter of the novel and one short story each month. I must journal every day; I must post to the Journeys of the Runes and Stories from the Cauldron each month.  I must post to Exploring the Other Side of the Looking Glass each week and I must post to this blog for the Pagan Experience each week.  I must finish the book and submit it to a publisher before the year is out.  I must read my poetry in a public forum. 

I must find opportunities to connect with my local community.  I must engage in broader community and with family and friends each month.  I must begin to engage in opportunities to teach.  I must begin to read the Runes for others and improve my ability to communicate the things they tell me so that others may understand what they have to say to them. I must complete the first year of Shamanic training that I have committed to for the next two years.

I must spend time outdoors each week and I must journey each week.  I must continue my daily practice and adapt it when necessary.  I must visit the Sweat Lodge and make use of the opportunities that my astrological transits present to me to grow. I must complete my staff and I must strengthen my relationship with fire by learning new skills and engaging with the element directly.

I must care for my mundane life by being diligent in doing the things that are necessary.  By saving for retirement and keeping food in the house and seeing my chiropractor and getting a massage more often. 

There are many things that I have hoped to do over the past years, and some I have accomplished and some I have not.  But imperatives from those who guide me are not to be left to chance, they are vows of intent and naming them on this blog is the equivalent to stating intention in sacred space because for me this is sacred space.  And words said in sacred space hold power over us until they have come to pass.  I will accomplish those things my Gods, Ancestors and Allies have given to me to accomplish in this coming year by diligently applying myself to my commitments day by day.  So Mote it Be.

Experiments

We are constantly changing.  When we are involved a process of spiritual evolution, our abilities and the ways in which we function, are constantly growing and shifting. 

In order to learn how to live with these new perimeters, we need to experiment.

We need to try new ways of doing things.  We need to test different ways of magick, of loving, of living, of being.  

Some of our experiments will teach us about what no longer works, some will teach us what might work and we may need to adjust our course along the way.  Partial successes, failures, false starts, miss-steps, course-corrections are part of the process.  Perfection is not a realistic goal.  We learn by trying and every time we attempt something new, or in a new way, we gain understanding through the experience. 

I am a fan of the scientific method.  I enjoy the experiments and the exploration.  I enjoy the creative effort of figuring out what works,  how I work.

The journey itself is the point.  The journey IS the magick.  

Visions

I have been "head-blind" most of my life.  I was not always so, but I made the visions go away when I was a small child.  And I do not mean visual messages only.  My most effective talent is auditory, in the form of language.  I have never really been able to silence "the voices"  completely.   But my strongest talent is neither of these, nor is it the tactile or kinesthetic sense of knowing that I sometimes feel.  

I have recently unlocked one of the boxes in my heart that was covered in cobwebs and dust.  It had been locked up tight for so long that I had indeed almost forgotten that it ever existed.  This is the task that my Patrons have been pushing me so hard  to accomplish.  I opened the box and discovered...empathy.

I have been working to unlock the boxes for months now and, as each one has been opened, more and more of my senses have returned to me.  I am becoming less and less head-blind with each box.  I have visions, I remember dreams, I can identify and engage with the various voices that I have heard my entire life.  I am more aware of the "feelings" and the information that they convey,   But most of all, my heart has become open and I can feel.  

It has been awkward and painful.  It has been frightening and has caused me to revisit many old demons and self-destructive behaviors to be sure that they will not serve but, I see again, I remember, I feel.  I am no longer living the half-life of someone blind, deaf, and dumb.  I am no longer one of the living dead.  

May my Gods be pleased with what they have wrought.