Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Learning to Hear

Many of the changes in my life, in my perception, are the result of voicing my truth.  Or sometimes, of voicing things that I believe but, that are NOT true.  Giving voice to beliefs that I have held for much too long, giving voice to secret shadows that lurk in the darkest corners of my soul, and giving them voice to other souls, human friends that will hear them, is a magick that I have never before engaged.  I have spent the long dark nights alone, with my Gods and my Allies but never have I called out to my human loved ones. 
Many of my closest friends have told me to call them when I am struggling alone in the dark and yet there is that part of me that does not allow that.  I have told those I love to do the same, and they sometimes do, and I am always grateful to be of comfort to them.  But to reach out from the darkness, and to share those secrets (and lies) that the voices haunt me with, is not something I have ever been able to do before. 
Last week I was having a dark night and, although it went against every instinct I have, and every longstanding pattern in my life, I reached out to a friend.  That act of magick resulted in revelations that I am integrating and processing and that are changing my perceptions and beliefs.
First, it was so immensely comforting to have a voice out there in the darkness that I can hardly put words to it.  But the most profound insight came from yet another act of faith.  I shared for the first time in my life a belief that I have only ever repeated to myself, through the voices in the Dark.  I told my friend about the quantum singularity that I have feared exists inside me, a black hole, so infinitely small that no one can see it but, that will obliterate any light that penetrates my etheric body, especially the light of another human being.
My friend asked if I thought that anyone who knows me feels this way about me, or sees me this way.  I told him no but, that my shadows tell me that is because I never allow anyone close enough to feel it, or let them see deeply enough to detect it.  Voicing this out loud was profoundly risky for me, and hearing my friend tell me that he believed that it was untrue was incredibly healing.  My Gods and Allies comfort me and have never abandoned me but, my friend pointed out that perhaps I need to give the Gods access to a human voice to speak what truths they will.
Trust is an ever-evolving mystery. Layer after layer, the veils are pulled away to reveal the truth.  To others yes but, more importantly, to the Self.  Slowly I am learning to hear.    For the voices of my Gods and for the voices of my loved ones, I give Thanks.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

The Hole in My Heart

There is a hole in my heart, or at least it feels that way.  Yet, my heart is full. 
It is full of the love that I have for my family, for my father’s generation, for my children’s generation and for my own.  For those who have left us to await their return, and for those who have not yet joined us.
It is full of the love that I have for my friends.  Those from my childhood and those I have found more recently, for my ex-husband and for his sister, for my recently-former lover and for his son. 
It is full of the love that I have for my beloved coven-mates and for those who have left us and for those who have not yet come.
It is full of the love that I have for those cherished people who touch my heart and my life in ways that I long for, and for those who are no longer in my life, and for those who I have not yet met.
It is full of wonder for the beauty of the world in which I live, both seen and unseen.   And for the joy of sharing it with loved ones of other natures, both seen and unseen.
It is full of gratitude for the pleasures to be found and for the pain of loss and for the ability to experience both. 
I give thanks for the hole in my heart and for those who fill it.
Blessings upon each of you.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Growing Pains

I have been processing a lot of changes over the past week and I am still trying to figure out what they mean. 
Things that I “know” about my Self, about my magick, about my own talents and limitations seem to be shifting. 
It feels like when a child goes through a time of growth and the body grows taller and stronger, the limbs grow longer and the brain has to adjust because what it knows about the height and length and strength of the body is no longer accurate.
The things that I “know” about my abilities, how to respond to, use and compensate for them are no longer reliable and I have to learn how to process these new parameters.
It is not completely painless but, neither is it truly painful.  It is just a little awkward and a little disorienting.
 I am beginning to realize that greater access and deeper connection, both to my own magick and to that outside my Self, comes with a cost.  That cost may be the sacrifice of the safety and comfort of “knowing”.
I am, surprisingly, not afraid.  I do not choose safety and comfort and surety.  I choose to reach for the unknown, to continue forward on this adventure.  To fall on my face and to trip over my own feet if that is what is necessary.  Although I hope to learn to move with grace, I don’t mind being covered in mud.  I have always enjoyed the feeling of mud between my fingers and toes.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Loss and Longing

The past two weeks have been spent in the day to day.  I have spent them in conversations, in classes and in contemplation.  I have spent them in work and in rest and in play. 
I was blessed by a morning in the November sun walking for miles along a stream in the woods where I found silver rocks to give as gifts to my patrons and enjoyed the company and wisdom of my High Priestess. 
I drank toasts to a friend on her birthday and sat at the feet of teachers to increase my understanding and feed my curiosity and give my mind a different perspective to consider.
I have, with purpose, spent them in the physical reality of this world in which I live, in this body and with those human friends with whom I share this life (and of course with my Pwca) 
It has been good to ground this way after the week of the Storm/Full Moon/Samhaine.  It has been good to give myself time to integrate those experiences and to begin to understand them. 
And as with all things, balance is the key.  So last night I again sought the magick of the spaces between.  My regular Dark Moon practice is about turning within to seek the voices of clarity, of truth, of intuition, of wisdom.  It is about seeking the darkness, the stillness, the silence.  It is about listening for the voice of Spirit.  It is about divination and seeking guidance. It is about sharing my secrets with my Gods, my Allies and my Ancestors.
Sometimes they show me things that I cannot see for myself.  They hold up the mirror and reveal to me my secrets.  Last night this was the case.  I was confronted with loss and longing.  I felt sorrow for the loss one of my dearest friends was suffering. I felt sorrow for my own losses, that I have come to accept.  I felt the longing that I have known all my life.  And I know that my heart is a living, beating creature.  Loss and Longing are two parts of the Human experience.  That is not to say that they are exclusive to the Human condition, but that they are Common to it.  They are gifts to us in this life.  They are part of what gives this life its depth and meaning. 
I give thanks for the Mirror and for those who walk with me on this journey.  I give thanks for those who put their arms around me until the pain and sorrow passes and who walk with me in the sun on an autumn morning.  I give thanks for teachers and lovers and friends far and near. And if I have not said so, I give thanks for you, for traveling among the shadows and for finding the beauty in the darkness.  May the Gods bless you.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Celebrating Time and Structure

I love Storms.  I love the freedom that they give me.  For the past 3 days I have lived in a state of flux; of no time, no structure, almost no contact with anyone but the Gods and my Pwca. (Loved ones have checked on me and I am grateful for their contact, I am not so good at remembering to check-in.)  I have felt as though if it were not for my companion, I might have just spun off the planet, out of my body, and ceased to exist.  I have to admit, I have written with no awareness of the passage of moments, slept at very odd times, dreamt very vivid dreams, woke not knowing what day or time it was and forgotten to eat.  Storms, and the alternating twilight and darkness of the past few days have a certain magick to them.  They seem to suspend the influence of Saturn, of Time and Structure, of the Framework of the Universe, or at least of the mundane world.
It is time now for Balance.  It is time now to regain the structure, to observe the clock and the duties of life in the day to day. To eat and go to work and remember that without the structure I cannot enjoy the pleasures of this incarnate life. 
I cannot enjoy sex or coffee or chocolate or children playing.  I cannot enjoy cuddling with my wonderful companion. I cannot enjoy the sheer pleasure of a hot shower.  I cannot impact the world in any meaningful way if I am not in it.
In the past I have resented and struggled against the constraints of Saturn in my life.  In the past I have felt as though Saturn controlled and indeed oppressed everything that I wanted.  But without that influence everything else would have no context.  Without the amazingly beautiful double-spiral of DNA I would not be me.  Without the bone and muscle and skin of my body, without the blood and nerves and systems and pattern of my physical self, I would not have a reason to be here or the means by which to learn and experience this amazing world.
So, while I am grateful for the moments of freedom, of suspension of the laws of Time and Structure, I am even more grateful for the context that gives them meaning.  This world, this body, this life is a great adventure and I am not done with it yet. 
I give thanks for the dishes in the sink.  (I did finally remember to eat.)  Now time to go wash them since I have hot water again.

Ancestors Oct. 31st 2012

I am the daughter of Coal Miners, of men who forsake the light and go deep into the earth, risking death by burial or black dust to harvest the Fire of Earth. The bodies of those once living, transformed by generations deep in the belly of the Mother, into black rock that burns to warm the Hearth.  I am the daughter of William Rhys.
I am the daughter of Blacksmiths, of men who by fire and sweat and muscle transform the bones of the Earth into tools that others may use to harvest the crops that feed the tribe.  I am the daughter of Jesse Merrill.
I am the daughter of Warriors, of pacifists who took up the sword to protect their children and the children of others.  Men who lost limbs and came home wounded.  I am the daughter of Henry Dudley who lost his right arm in the war and walked every spring from North-East Pennsylvania to Ohio and back again and planted Cherry Trees.
I am the daughter of Bards, of brothers who wrote songs to make hearts sing, who played music to make people dance. I am the daughter of Arthur and Louis and Stanley Merrill.
I am the daughter of Ester George, a widow who ran her boarding house like a tyrant but, raised three sons to be musicians.
I am the daughter of Ethyl Rhys Evans who picked mushrooms with me when I was two and who had hex signs and a black pot-bellied coal stove in her white kitchen.
I am the daughter of Elizabeth Merrill, beloved of her family, who played the Piano and tried to teach me to crochet.
I am the daughter of William Evans who swam the length of the lake to win the heart of his beloved Polly.
I am the daughter of the Tribe of the Wild Boar.  I am the daughter of the little dark People.  I am the daughter of this Land where I was born and have lived my entire life.
I am the daughter of the Star-Goddess and the Dark God.  I am the daughter of the Owl Goddess and the Wild Stag.  I am the daughter of the Red Dragon and the Magician.  I am the daughter of the little brown People and the Mud and the Trees.  I am the daughter of the Shadow and the Light.  I am the daughter of the Old Ones and the Dark Mother.
I am the daughter of the Lake and the Heron. I am the daughter of the Storm and the Moon.  I am the daughter of the All-Father and the Healing Well and the Cauldron of Inspiration.  I am the daughter of the Wind and the Rain. I am the daughter of Grandmother Spider and of Toads and Turtles and Cats and Foxes and Wolves and Blackbirds. I am the daughter of the Stream and the Stones.  I am the daughter of the Bear and the Void.  I am the daughter of the Children that follow.   

A Small Black Feather Oct 30th, 2012

The Dark God came to me, naked and larger than Life itself.  He wore the semblance of a lover, but his long brown hair and beard were plaited with the feathers of blackbirds.  Two large antlers grew from his crown gleaming, golden ivory and smooth, curving gracefully upward.  His eyes were black coals, fathomless, bottomless, the stars of galaxies within them.
 His legs and arms were strong and thick like the trunks of ancient trees; his shoulders, chest and back smooth and strong like the cliffs above the river. The hair on his body was soft and brown, the color of earth.
 His skin, the color of sand, was laced with thin black spirals everywhere, a great labyrinth traced upon his entire body from brow to feet to hands.  His hands were large and strong and calloused and when he touched me they felt like tree-bark against my skin.  He smelled of ginger and clove, of wood-smoke and rotting leaves and tasted like honeycomb and sea-salt and black cherries.
He moved with the power and grace of the Bear and he spoke with a voice deep and resonating, more felt than heard, like a drum beat, low and steady or the rumble of thunder or a river heard from underground. 
Every touch, every word moved me, stirred my body and kindled my soul, touched my mind and opened my heart.  He loved me playfully, passionately, tenderly and brutally, making me  laugh and weep and dissolve into the sub-atomic particles of which I am made, a million stars dancing in the universe then suddenly coalesced into one whole, a human woman, infinitely old and incredibly young. 
He showed me my own heart, my own wild spirit, my body, my mind, my soul.  He showed me what I desire and what I need and the beauty that I hold within me. 
The seeds he planted inside me and the power that they found there, will take root and grow. I know that I am changed, yet, I am only more aware of who I have always been. 
The transformation is in my perception.  I know that I have always been as I am and that is what I am meant to be.  Magick will grow and soon I will give birth to my Self once again.  A small black feather falling back to Earth from a bird flying on the Storm. 

Storms Oct. 29th 2012

I Love Storms!  More than anything, Storms get my Blood up.  My Heart Races and my Energy Rushes and my Mind just Flies!  Yes, I am glad to be safely at home, yes I am happy to cuddle with my Pwca pressed up against me and a hot cup of coffee in my hand, yes I am grateful to be warm and dry with power and water and access to the world but, once the Darkness comes and the Winds begin to blow loudly and shake the windows, I don’t care how cold the rain is…I have to get out into the Storm.   I want to feel the wind push against my entire being.  I want to feel the rain on my face and be engulfed in the Wild Darkness.  I need to go outside and Dance with my God!
My logical brain is irrelevant.  My careful and practical self is completely powerless over me during a Storm.  It is that one moment in time that I can completely escape those parts of me that rule my life and oppress my soul.  I have in past years learned to free myself from the complete control of those parts, at least to some degree, at certain moments during ritual but, Storms have always been those moments in my life when I can be completely free and let go.  Practical, logical, careful; these words mean nothing.   Fear has no place in my world during a Storm.  No place in my body, no place in my heart or mind or soul.
I am soaring on the Wind, through the Night.  I am Dancing with my God and I am Magick!
Hail to the Storm and to the Lord of Storms!  Hail and Welcome!