Many of the changes in my life, in my perception, are the result of voicing my truth. Or sometimes, of voicing things that I believe but, that are NOT true. Giving voice to beliefs that I have held for much too long, giving voice to secret shadows that lurk in the darkest corners of my soul, and giving them voice to other souls, human friends that will hear them, is a magick that I have never before engaged. I have spent the long dark nights alone, with my Gods and my Allies but never have I called out to my human loved ones.
Many of my closest friends have told me to call them when I am struggling alone in the dark and yet there is that part of me that does not allow that. I have told those I love to do the same, and they sometimes do, and I am always grateful to be of comfort to them. But to reach out from the darkness, and to share those secrets (and lies) that the voices haunt me with, is not something I have ever been able to do before.
Last week I was having a dark night and, although it went against every instinct I have, and every longstanding pattern in my life, I reached out to a friend. That act of magick resulted in revelations that I am integrating and processing and that are changing my perceptions and beliefs.
First, it was so immensely comforting to have a voice out there in the darkness that I can hardly put words to it. But the most profound insight came from yet another act of faith. I shared for the first time in my life a belief that I have only ever repeated to myself, through the voices in the Dark. I told my friend about the quantum singularity that I have feared exists inside me, a black hole, so infinitely small that no one can see it but, that will obliterate any light that penetrates my etheric body, especially the light of another human being.
My friend asked if I thought that anyone who knows me feels this way about me, or sees me this way. I told him no but, that my shadows tell me that is because I never allow anyone close enough to feel it, or let them see deeply enough to detect it. Voicing this out loud was profoundly risky for me, and hearing my friend tell me that he believed that it was untrue was incredibly healing. My Gods and Allies comfort me and have never abandoned me but, my friend pointed out that perhaps I need to give the Gods access to a human voice to speak what truths they will.
Trust is an ever-evolving mystery. Layer after layer, the veils are pulled away to reveal the truth. To others yes but, more importantly, to the Self. Slowly I am learning to hear. For the voices of my Gods and for the voices of my loved ones, I give Thanks.