The Journey...

The foundation of my personal spiritual practice is not something that I do every day (except for a week or two for very specific reasons).  It is something that I did not begin practicing until I was 28 years old, when I read my first book about the path I am now walking.

The Celtic Shaman by John Mathews was a book that I found in a “normal” bookstore in town while attending a very conservative Christian University.  I had moved to South Carolina and was living in a camper off campus in an attempt to complete my degree at the University my parents had sent me to when I left the College in Indiana.  It was a very intense four months of self-discovery and a very painful time of darkness.  In that book I first read the names of my Gods.  I first learned that there were stories and poems about the Gods of my Ancestors.  And through that book I experienced my first Journey into the Otherworlds.  That book changed my life forever.  That Journey and every Journey since saved my life.

For years I had no other practice but journey and building relationships, I did not even write for almost 14 years except for a rare poem or two.  And those Journeys eventually led me to my beloved Coven and Community.  My Patroness has led me through the Journey and I have met many who guide and strengthen me.  

If I lost all else, I would still have my relationships with my Gods, my Ancestors and my Allies, I would still have joy in my heart and the sustaining practice of the journey.
I give thanks for all of those with Whom I have relationship and for the new Allies I meet as I continue my journey on this path.  Blessed am I on this path.  

Expectations

I have been trying to live up to the expectations of others for most of my life.  I have never really known what those expectations were, I have usually failed to meet them and, I have never stopped trying.  But in trying to understand what others expect from me, and in trying to meet those imagined expectations, I have failed to see what it was that I expected of myself.  I have limited my beliefs of what I am capable of. 

I have failed to see that I can do and be more than what someone else expects.  I have assumed that I am less than, rather than more than, what another wanted me to be, or what I imagined that they wanted me to be.

There is a lovely and delicious freedom in letting go of those expectations and the limits that I have placed upon myself.

My imagination is enjoying the freedom and is discovering possibilities that I have never dreamed of before.

Visions

I have been "head-blind" most of my life.  I was not always so, but I made the visions go away when I was a small child.  And I do not mean visual messages only.  My most effective talent is auditory, in the form of language.  I have never really been able to silence "the voices"  completely.   But my strongest talent is neither of these, nor is it the tactile or kinesthetic sense of knowing that I sometimes feel.  

I have recently unlocked one of the boxes in my heart that was covered in cobwebs and dust.  It had been locked up tight for so long that I had indeed almost forgotten that it ever existed.  This is the task that my Patrons have been pushing me so hard  to accomplish.  I opened the box and discovered...empathy.

I have been working to unlock the boxes for months now and, as each one has been opened, more and more of my senses have returned to me.  I am becoming less and less head-blind with each box.  I have visions, I remember dreams, I can identify and engage with the various voices that I have heard my entire life.  I am more aware of the "feelings" and the information that they convey,   But most of all, my heart has become open and I can feel.  

It has been awkward and painful.  It has been frightening and has caused me to revisit many old demons and self-destructive behaviors to be sure that they will not serve but, I see again, I remember, I feel.  I am no longer living the half-life of someone blind, deaf, and dumb.  I am no longer one of the living dead.  

May my Gods be pleased with what they have wrought.

Unlocking the boxes...

For the past six months or so one of my specific and stated intentions has been to unlock the boxes within myself, to discover what lies within them, and to master whatever I might find there. 

The boxes and my intention to unlock them are not constantly in my waking consciousness.  Sometimes I forget for moments or days at a time, I become distracted by daily life, by the normal everyday of living.  And then something draws my attention back to the boxes and I am reminded that even when I am not paying attention, even when I am not actively pursuing this intent, words said in sacred space have power and the magick is continuing.

My Patron has been insistent that this is necessary if I am to take on the responsibility of completing my third degree initiation.  That it is required in order to find and use my power.  That it is non-negotiable if I am to truly know myself. I am not arguing this point but, it has been difficult and painful. 

I have been on a journey of self-discovery regarding my own identity, specifically my sexual identity.  This has resulted in many of the boxes being unlocked and the shamanic healing that I sought has also had a similar effect. The result has been particularly extreme in this past week.

I have been dreaming and remembering and it has robbed me of sleep and of peace in my waking life.  The lack of sleep and the images and emotions in my dreams have robbed me of my ability to shut down my emotions and of my shields against feeling too much.  I have even resorted to old behaviors out of desperation in an attempt to escape the return of feelings and thoughts that I have not had in decades.

Old ways of thinking have reared their heads.  The argument that it would be safer not to love, that it would be easier to remain strong and cold and hard, that allowing my heart to feel again is a mistake.  There is a very strong urging to walk away from anyone who threatens to touch me, to make me feel.  That trusting anyone who could abandon me, or take something from me, is a foolish risk not to be considered.  The desire to hurt those I do love in order to drive them away from me is incredibly intense as well.

My heart feels like it has been frozen and the thaw and return of feeling are as painful as frostbitten limbs being flushed with blood again.  It has also been violent in its awakening.  And the fact that others have witnessed my convulsions has been humiliating. 

The pain in my heart remains and I do not know for certain that it will ever really go away now.  Perhaps this is what it feels like to be alive.  I do not really know but, I will not abandon my intent.  I will do whatever is necessary to live, and to love, and to feel.  I will not turn back, no matter what may come.  So Mote It Be.

Secrets

Secrets are powerful things.  Some are wonderful, like the ones we shared with our closest and dearest friends or our siblings in childhood.  Or the ones we share with lovers, about our hopes and our dreams. Some are filled with magick we share with the Spirits and the Gods.

But the ones we do not share with anyone, those are the most powerful secrets of all.  Those are the secrets that can empower our greatest magick, or destroy us.

If we can find the keys and the courage to see them, to know them, they can teach us to know who we are and how to live all that we are.  They can help us to find our power and to learn to use that power. 

The ones we refuse to see, the ones we hide from, will keep us imprisoned in tombs that we will never escape.  They will keep us from the life we are here to live.  They will keep us invisible until we eventually fade away, leaving no trace that we were ever even here.  They will destroy our ability to live, to love or to create any magick at all. 

That idea is terrifying.  The only thing more frightening is the idea of actually acknowledging those secrets.  The things we don’t ever talk about.  The voices in our head that we have heard all our lives, and the words that they scream in the long dark night.  The images that we see in our mind’s eye that we want so desperately to forget.  The memories of things we have done and the things we have wished for with all of our being.  The desires of our inner selves that we could never dare to live.  The things that we are absolutely sure if anyone knew, they would forsake us forever.

But no matter what the shadows tell us, those secrets are ours and if we can reclaim them, they will not destroy us.  If we can brave our deepest fears and embrace our secrets, they can unlock our power to live our lives with magick we have never imagined, and to be happy beyond our deepest hopes. 

Find the Secrets you keep, and listen to the whispers of your soul.  Live.

Midsummer

The Sun in strength shines warm and bright,  

The Earth in green bursts full with life;

The veil now thins, the night descends,

The faeries dance in starlight bands;

and now begins the growth of night.

Lunae Memoriae

Moon by Helen Jarvis Reynolds

My Lady sails through silver sky,

Her pale skin, a shade of light,

She glows in brilliant radiance, my lover faire.

With gentle grace she wanders through the night,

Her gossamer gown flows ‘round about her feet,

Her footsteps leaving stardust in her path.

She sings with laughter, starlight song,

Her voice, a gentle shining mist,

Whispering the mystery.

Her soft touch, cool as evening aire,

Her kisses shimmer on my skin,

Gifts of music, soft and sweet. 

Dancing through eternity,

My lover faire,

My Lady of sweet memory.

Intent

Intent is a tricky thing.  It is not simply feeling desire, or wishing for something.  It is not visualizing a desired situation or outcome.  It is not even planning how to achieve that outcome nor taking the steps to enact the plan.

Intent is a decision, a choice.  It is a commitment that " This shall come to pass.”  It is accepting the unknown and unseen consequences.  It is knowing that no matter how one may have imagined the outcome, it may (and probably will) be different from what was imagined.

Intent is a strange brew of desire, will, faith, and purpose.  It is setting your feet upon a path and seeing it through no matter that you cannot see beyond the first steps.  It is taking each step knowing that it will never be under your control.

Wishing and day-dreaming and planning are nothing without intent.  And without intent, no magick will ever become manifest.

Enchantment

I have loved the word Enchantment since I was a small child.  It has always invoked for me the image of making music and making magick, as if magick and music were two sides of the very same sparkling coin.

To enchant a thing, or a place, or a person, is to sing over it, to whisper to it, to tell it a secret about its own magickal nature, about its own beauty and its own power.  To sing a musical phrase of its true name and set it free to become everything it perhaps never dreamed it could be, but was always destined to be.

I seek out those places and people and objects that are enchanted so that their magick and their music might sing to me, to my mind and my heart and my soul and my body, and my spirit and my shadows.

The mission of my Tradition, of my Community, is “to Re-Enchant the World” and indeed through my Coven and my Beloveds it does so, in part by enchanting me and my life, and I in turn strive to enchant the world around me.

Enchantment is something I strive to live.  I strive to enchant the things and places and people in my life.  I strive to sing my own true name to myself and to live a life of enchantment.

Magick without Words

I have been very quiet for a while now.  I have been wanting to write but have been focused on listening.   I have been dreaming much more than I ever have in the past.   At first the dreams were expressions of my hormonal situation (it seems that my body was reacting to the imminent onset of menapause by ramping up my libido to epic proportions)   Being single and living alone, it was a bit frustrating.  But that seems to have passed for the moment and for a while now the dreams have taken on a quieter and more reflective tone. 

After the frenzy of the past few months I feel exhausted and my dream sleep has become difficult to surface from on a daily basis.  I find it tiring to engage with others.  I find myself wanting to be with loved ones but engaging them does not come naturally.  I want to sit silently and be near them and watch them and listen to them but, my thoughts have difficulty finding their way into language and then to expression through speech.

I held my granddaughter yesterday for the first time.  I could have happily sat there for days.  Because I did not have to use words, I could simply hold her close in my arms and allow my heart to feed my love directly into her little body.  I could simply feel her breathe and whisper into her ears, my voice and my breath carrying energy and light into her sleeping mind.  It is a magick without words. 

That is strange to me.  My thoughts have always before expressed themselves through language.  I love words.  But it seems as though one of the results of the initiation is that I now experience and express magick and ideas through images and other sensory information.  Perhaps this was the way I functioned when I was young, before I fell so completely in love with words.  I do not know but, I am becoming more comfortable with it and better at interpreting it.  

It seems as though, in order to write, I must disengage from it, to surface into the waking world, and as soon as I have achieved my purpose, I sink back into the dreaming without words.  I do hope to find a way to integrate the two.  Perhaps this next month will hold some key about how to do just that.  Blessings upon you as we approach the return of the light.