No More Pretending...

When you are different, it is sometimes easier to pretend, for the sake of others, that you are other than your nature. 

Pretending can be a useful strategy for making others more comfortable, and to get them to leave you alone. When they are not bothering you, you can spend your energy doing as you please, rather than constantly reassuring others or dealing with their questions, their concerns, their judgments or their wishes.  Stealth is also very useful because it allows you to accomplish what you want with less effort and less conflict.  It allows you to get things done without direct opposition. 

The problem with spending years in stealth mode and with pretending to be what everyone else is comfortable with, is that it becomes a habit so entrenched in your life, a pattern so deeply imbedded, that you might forget that it's not who you truly are.  And breaking that habit will take a lot of hard work.

It will take diligence and perseverance and sometimes, what may seem to be rather extreme measures.  It will take courage and intent and more hard work.  It may cause anxiety, fear, confusion, panic, more confusion, for yourself but, also for those around you. 

You will have to deal with those you love feeling afraid because you are no longer speaking or behaving in the way that they have come to expect, nor in the way that they want you to.

And you will feel awkward, because walking around as you is much different that walking around as the person you have been pretending to be. 

You might wear different clothes, different shoes, have a different posture, a different gait, a different voice that may sound strange to your ears.   You may even find yourself giving voice to thoughts you have only ever heard inside your own head before, and that will be strange too.

I am done pretending to be small.  I am done pretending to be timid. I am done pretending to be weak.  I am done being quiet.  I am done being what someone else is comfortable with.   I am done with the comfort of stealth mode, with the comfort of pretending. I am done with the comfort of habit. 

I am done living a half-life that belongs to someone else.  It is time to begin living my life as truthfully, as openly, as loudly, as largely, as I will.  No More Pretending.

If you are one of my beloveds, consider this fair warning.  I am larger than you have perceived, braver than you have guessed, stronger than you have imagined, louder than you may be comfortable with, and more powerful than you may wish.  I promise to be patient with you as you become accustomed to me.  I love you and I want you in my life, but I will continue to keep pushing until I have found how to live with the integrity that my Gods, my Ancestors and my own Soul require.  

So Mote It Be.

magick on myself...overcoming social anxiety

In the past few weeks I have had opportunities to engage with people that I had not previously met.  One was social and another was professional. 

I am an extremely introverted person.  While many people would consider opportunities like these to be exciting and something to seek out and to look forward to with anticipation, I typically feel quite the opposite.  I will generally avoid these types of situations if I can, and I feel a great deal of anxiety about them if I cannot.

To be honest, I feel at least some level of anxiety about even being with people that I know and love and enjoy, be they family, friends or community.  I find that being with others requires a good deal of energy from me and often I simply do not have enough energy stores to engage in the way that I would choose to, to be warm and friendly and authentic all at the same time. 

It isn’t that I do not like people; I do, very much in fact but, engaging in the way I would like to isn’t necessarily easy.  Most of the time I prefer to share in community and family through observation rather than interaction.  

But, if I am to fulfill my purpose, I cannot simply observe the world, or my community, or my family.  For example, my granddaughter will never remember me if I never engage with her, if I only ever watch her.  No matter how much joy I gain from doing so, I can experience more joy by engaging with her actively.

I cannot make an impact on others unless I engage with them.  I cannot always remain safely at home and communicate through the written word alone.  Nor do I desire to.  I want to engage with others, I want to love my family and my friends, and I want to serve my Gods and my community, I want to re-enchant my world. 

My purpose is to leave the world changed by my having lived this life, to communicate who I am and where I have been and how I have traveled while I walked this path.  I cannot accomplish this in solitude or isolation.  I do not wish to. Truth be told, I do not learn as much or grow as much as I do with the catalyst of interaction with others and I cannot serve anyone if I am not willing to engage with them. 

On a practical level, I need to work to support myself and that means having a job out there in the world.  In fact, seeking a job that better supports my life and my true work, my magick, was the reason for one of the opportunities I mentioned at the beginning of this post.

I am pleased to say that I successfully navigated both of the opportunities in question.  I had a second interview which went equally well and I am hopeful of receiving an offer soon.  As for the social, I was warm and charming and engaged and I learned a good deal.  I may even attend again soon. 

As witches, we often use magick to assist us in our everyday lives.  Occasionally I will cast spells of operative magick but, rarely have I cast a spell upon myself and I have never before used my magick in the way that I did in these recent situations.  

I enchanted my jewelry for protection and clarity of hearing, and I energized my solar plexus, my voice, and my third eye, to project warmth and strength, to communicate clearly and authentically and, to perceive others as they truly are. 

I also invoked the protection and power of my Beloved Patron.  The magick was successful in accomplishing what I had intended but, it did more than that.  It taught me about my self, and who I am in the light. 

I gained greater perspective on just who I am in my power and in my strength.