For the past few months I have been undergoing a process of deconstruction, of tearing down everything that I count on, everything that I believe. The destruction of my internal structures, the resurrection of unresolved memories, and the complete desolation of self had left me nothing but the core of my pathology, a crippled creature to be put down. At one point a few weeks ago I was as far down into the abyss as I can ever remember being.
My sister and Priestess was worried about me and said so, calling me to account and making me admit to the place I was occupying. My brother and priest recognized that I was on the edge and pushed and poked until I lost the last bit of my control and, like a spring wound too tightly, I became un-sprung. My beloved kinsman gave me objective guidance and tools to assist me in learning skills that I have lacked. My lover held me and listened and talked and kept me from total isolation by giving me the comfort of his company and the wisdom of his own experience with his own abyss.
I had lost my vision, I had lost my desire to continue to engage, to serve, I had nothing but doubt that I would ever be able to become what I need to be, even survival was not a sure thing but, I kept fighting. And I am once again able to see the vision of what I can be. I have remembered the desire to serve. I have regained my feet and have discovered that I am not crippled. I have found that lack of balance means I need to learn to dance in the void.
Many of the ways in which I had functioned will not serve me in the work I hope to do. I have begun new work, I am learning new skills, and engaging in new relationship with Deity. I am rebuilding a new structure. I have a new vision of how to build a structure that will serve me and those I love. One with more open space and less obstructions, less obstacles, with bigger windows to let in more light and to let in more air, to let the fires burn warmer and brighter, to let the waters flow more freely.
I give thanks for those who helped me not only to survive the past few months but to rise from them ready to begin building something new. May they be blessed and may I live up to their trust and their love. Blessed Be