The Temple of Light

At the top of the Tower, in the Temple of Light

Surrounded by air filled with color, rose and pale yellow like the sky at dawn in winter snowfall, a million shades of gold and green, then blue and lavender and violet, the indigo and purple of twilight in summer.

Clear sound dancing in ever-expanding spirals around me in all the colors of light.

Flooded with Light so brilliant it touches my retinas through closed lids and the veil tied around them.

He asks me if I know Him, and I do.  He is my sons and my brothers and my childhood friend.  He asks if I remember Wild Abandon, Adventure and Fun, Unbridled Passion and Joy, the Excitement of Places Unexplored.  I do remember Him.

He asks me why I abandoned Him.  My heart breaks.  My fear has caused me to abandon this Beautiful One, this Cherished One.

She tells me to look into the mirror of my mind; She is the one I left behind.  She asks if I am ready to risk all to step into the light, to embrace the child I was and shine like the Sun.

I am; this is why I have climbed this Tower, why I have taken this Journey so far from that place I have lived until now.  I do not want to remain unseen anymore. 

They challenge me to open, to abandon fear, to shine brighter and brighter.  My heart opens and then my voice and I try to match the sound of the spiraling colors of light dancing around me.  I am commanded to declare myself as light.

My mind searches for truth it can grasp hold of, and finds moments from recent memory, touch-stones of joy, evidence that Light is there within me. It also finds words from daily practice…

I am golden, glowing, shimmering, shining, sparkling stardust.  I am Sunlight on the meadow and Moonlight on the path.  I am a star shining in the night sky and the planets dancing in a crown of stars.  I am the Goddess and the God, and I am me.

They ask why I still carry the chains of my shadows and I realize I can let them fall away.  I am as filled with light as I am capable of being, and when they tell me to fly, I feel as if I might fly off the top of the tower and into the Sun itself, Icarus without wings, flight without the fall.

I am given keys, one to Shadows and one to Light, and am lead back down to the Kingdom, to the Earth that is my Home.

As day-light begins to grow and life begins to push upwards, striving to emerge from inside the ice, from beneath the earth, I have been spending time in the Temple of Light and will continue to do so.  I have so much to explore and to remember and to practice.  And yes, having fun takes practice, play takes practice, flying takes practice, as does filling yourself with light and sound and color…and light has so many colors.  I am hoping to make a lasting change in the way I function.  To rebuild my internal structures so light and shadow can exist and play together in balance within me. 

May your life be blessed by the beauty of new light and new life and new magick.

May the shadows be a place of rest and comfort, may you enjoy the balance and the beauty of both.

Blessed be.

Climbing the Stairs

Having crossed the barrier of fire and ice, the Tower that is my familiar vehicle and my comfortable and reliable haven was locked to me and I was lead into the abyss that is the “Dark Night of the Soul”.  Every connection I have was severed, removed, separated from me until I was utterly alone.  I was not left there however.  I was lead out of that dark, cold, grey wasteland to a place where grass grew under my feet, thicker and thicker until I came to the place of beginning.  I was told that I needed to climb a new Tower.  A Tower made of crystal and light rather than stone.   

As I began to climb, whispered challenges floated to me from voices that I could not be sure were truly there.  And then the Voice of the Crone, clear and undeniable, demanded to know why I had chosen to hide in shadows, and when and why I had made that choice.  I told her that it was safe and comforting to be hidden, to be invisible and therefore untouchable.  That in the shadows no one can see my defect, or be damaged by it, or use it to hurt me, or reject me for it.  She challenged me to name it.  “need, anger, confusion, pleasure, shame, fear”  She gave me chains to carry; I think those were their names.  She released me and I began to climb again and the whispers returned.

The Dark God, the Sage, Commanded me to stop, and the whispers were suddenly silent.  His hands were immediately around my throat and at that moment I should have been terrified but, I do not remember being afraid.  I remember feeling safe.  I remember feeling that in the hands of My God, I could not be anything other than safe and protected.  I remember feeling very calm and still and quiet, and I remember swearing an oath in my heart that I would not fail Him.  He challenged me to remember who I was before I chose to hide in shadows and at first I could not.  I had to look for it but, finally I found the child there in the past, in the light, and He released me to continue on my ascent and the whispers returned as I climbed the stairs until I reached the top.

 I have spent the past few weeks remembering the person I was when I was eight.  I can remember many of the things that I thought were fun, and how I loved my brothers, and mud and cleaning my closet (I loved to collect things and hide them in boxes in my closet, I suppose Saturn has always been my friend)   How I dreamed of dancing and how I loved making costumes out of scarves (I still have a beautiful scarf collection)  I really am the same person, I still love the same things and I have promised to play a lot more from now on. 

I have also spent time being the person I was when I was nine.  I have relived and remembered the things that happened.  I have re-thought with my nine year old rational, logical brain the conclusions and decisions I had come to then.  I have re-examined the evidence from then and from the past six months (I give thanks for friends that have taught me that it is safe to touch and be touched) and have been able to come to more accurate conclusions and a better approximation of truth.  This has not been a time of trauma but, of healing my Self, my mind, my beliefs.  This has been a time of rediscovering the whole person that I have always been and the beauty of my own soul, at eight, and at nine and at forty-seven.

The God and the Goddess required that I return to that place and time and so I have.  Now it is time to face the light.  May I go forth Shining.

Pausing in Silence

I am continuing to process and things are beginning to take root but, I am not ready to write about it yet.  I am pausing in silence while life begins to emerge from the well and I hope to tell you some wonderful stories soon.

In the meanwhile, my first article has been posted on Witchvox and I would like to share it with you so;

http://www.witchvox.com/va/dt_va.html?a=uspa&c=words&id=15321

I will be doing my Dark Moon Ritual tonight.  Join me if it pleases you.

Thank you for walking this journey with me.  Blessings be upon you.

Awenydd

Beginning...

I have been attempting to process my Initiation Ritual for the past week.  It was overwhelmingly powerful and profoundly transforming.  The immensity of it is going to take a long time to comprehend and to integrate.  There were so many lessons, so many words and images that it feels as though I spent years on that journey.   

I am trying to allow it to settle in and plan the work I need to do one step at a time.  Right now I wait for the Sun to melt the ice and for life to slowly emerge.  I have been reliving moments I spent in preparation calling upon all of my connections to be there with me to protect me, to guide my steps and my words to give me strength for the labor, for the delivery, for the giving birth to myself as a new person.

The thing is, now I can see that it was my Coven that gave birth to me and my Community that stood with them, stood for me, to midwife my rebirth, not just witness it.  It is my task to thrive as this new person.  To grow and to learn to walk and to speak, to work magick and to live a life more full, more conscious, happier, with greater purpose and intent and with love and light and a true union of the polarities that exist within me. 

The second degree in my tradition is a transition from Witch to Priestess.  If I am to serve my Coven, my Tradition, my community, those who walk this path with me, I must experience the fullness of this magickal life.  How can I help someone else find healing if I do not heal my own wounds?  How can I help another to embrace their own light if I continue to hide in the shadows?  I need not forsake the shadows or the twilight or the beauty or the magick to be found there.  But, there is magick and power in the bright light and if I remain in fear, hiding from that power, I neglect the gifts that the Gods would give me access to that I might serve others.  You cannot guide someone where you have never traveled.

 I Give Thanks and I ask you to brave this journey into the Bright Light of Truth and Adventure with me.  The light can be a bit blinding when you are accustomed to shadow but, there are wonders to be found there too.  I know this because the God and Goddess told me so, and showed me the truth of it and the fearful brilliance of that which can be found if we dare to look.  The light of a million stars exists within us…

Lessons

During my Dark Moon Ritual last week I asked what I should do to prepare for my Second Degree Initiation Ritual which is scheduled to take place this coming Sunday.   I have been anxious and even fearful, and have had to face each fear and find a way to resolve it.  This past week I was confronted with the greatest fear I have, the base of every other fear my heart knows, the fear of disappointing my father. 

The thing is, I have never questioned the belief that if my father knew who I am he would be disappointed.  I have believed that for as long as I can remember.  My father has always loved me.  He has never given me any reason to believe that he would withdrawal his love from me.  In fact he raised me to be who I am.  So this belief is irrational and based in nothing.  Fears are often like that I think. 

My question about what I need to do to prepare was granted an answer.  I have journeyed every night.  I have done my daily practice and then journeyed to the astral with only the Rune I drew for that day as a guide, or key.  I have taken the same path that I have since I first began to travel, but without a pre-conceived destination.  I have traveled and discovered that which my Gods, Ancestors and Allies would show me.

Each night has been different. I have been given visions of the future and the past, lessons in pain and lessons in joy and lessons about secrets and the nature of my family and our familial shadows.  I have met ancestral spirits and been to places sacred to us.  I have also learned lessons about the nature of sacrifice and offerings and vows. I have learned a lot about my own nature and beauty and fear and shadows and the infinite shades of color and light.  I have learned about the joy of letting go and having faith. 

I have been given the keys I needed to find what I most desire, and I have been told that I need to play with mud.  And no, that is not a metaphor.  J  I hope to share some of these journeys with you in the future, but for now it is time for me to begin again.

Dark Moon Ritual

At the Dark of the Moon I look to the East, I seek the Air within me, I listen for the voice of Clarity

At the Dark of the Moon I look to the South, I seek the Fire within me, I listen for the voice of Truth

At the Dark of the Moon I look to the West, I seek the Water within me, I listen for the voice of Intuition

At the Dark of the Moon I look to the North, I seek the Earth within me, I listen for the voice of Wisdom

I look within and seek the Darkness, I look within and seek the Stillness, I look within and seek the Silence, and there I find the Voice of Spirit

Take time to breathe deeply and listen to your Body, your Soul, your Heart, your Mind.  Pay attention to the messages that you receive.  Do whatever divination you choose.  Draw Runes or Tarot, Scry with Water or Fire or Chrystal  Journal.

The God stands beside me and I am Secure, the Goddess stands beside me and I am Strong, I hear their Voice and I am Blessed.

Take time to breathe deeply and feel your connection to your Gods, Ancestors and Allies.  Know that in the dark and quiet stillness, you are not alone.  Take comfort in your own Strength and that of those with whom you are connected.

Blessed am I in Strength.   Blessed be the God/dess within me.

I look to the East and find Peace for my Mind

I look to the South and find Comfort for my Soul

I look to the West and find Calm for my Heart

I look to the North and find Rest for my Body

So mote it be.

It is done. 

Remember to follow through on the messages that you received from the parts of yourself and from Deity.

Serving my Gods

How do I serve my Gods?

This is a question that I have been pondering.  Non-rhetorical.  I have been searching to answer this question with specificity and since I have more than one God, there is more than one answer.

What do I want my life to serve?  And what does that look like?  To answer these questions it is necessary to bring into focus that which I value, what I hold most sacred.  My loved ones certainly, but although loving my family and my companion, my coven and community is a very important part of my purpose, it is not the same as serving my higher purpose.  I believe that in order to contribute to the Great Work, specific intent is necessary, to love with intent, to serve with purpose.  So, what is my intent? This is where my searching brings me back to my Gods.

How do I serve my Gods?  I serve each One in different ways.

I serve Cernunnos by living and loving with joy and freedom, by seeking the wildness within myself and in the world around me and by recognizing, honoring and encouraging it in others.

I serve Gwydion by honoring my teachers, mentors and guides, by using magick and the power of words to learn and to grow.  I serve Him by mentoring those I love and walking beside them as they walk their own path to find their own power, magick greater than my own.

I serve Brighid by placing myself upon the anvil and seeking the transformation of fire, the inspiration of air, the healing she offers in the waters of her sacred well.  I write poetry and nurture my own soul. I work magick to forge something greater of myself and my life.  I support my High-Priestess and my coven-mates and my beloveds as they seek their own transformation, inspiration and healing.

I serve the All-Father each time I look to the Runes for magick and guidance.  I acknowledge his sacrifice and wisdom and the impact of his gift on my life.  I honor my family and my Ancestors by listening to them and caring for their descendants.  I strive to live my life with valour and in service to others.  In my work as a banker, I serve the elders in my community by safeguarding the means to provide for their physical needs.  And if I must sacrifice for those that I love, I try to do so with joy and a spirit of honor and gratitude.

I serve Arianrhod by looking to the stars and to the pattern of my incarnation.  I look to the fate that She lays before me.  I look to those lessons that we chose for me before I came to be this person in this place and in this time.  I do what I need to learn those lessons and to follow this path that She has set me upon.  I serve Her by stepping forward, by looking backward and by living now.  I serve Her by supporting others in their own sovereignty and by refusing to relinquish my own.

I serve Gwynn ap Nudd by finding light among the shadows and by looking for beauty in the darkness.  I serve Him by traveling to worlds unknown and by embracing the void, by walking the dark pathway and seeking the light and finding balance.  I serve Him by conjuring the Dragon, and dancing on the storm and journeying to Annwfn to claim what I need from His Cauldron.  I serve Him by listening to the trees and singing with the Fae, and by crossing those thresholds He leads me to.

I serve my Gods by keeping faith and waking up, and helping others to find the candles in the dark night.