Having crossed the barrier of fire and ice, the Tower that is my familiar vehicle and my comfortable and reliable haven was locked to me and I was lead into the abyss that is the “Dark Night of the Soul”. Every connection I have was severed, removed, separated from me until I was utterly alone. I was not left there however. I was lead out of that dark, cold, grey wasteland to a place where grass grew under my feet, thicker and thicker until I came to the place of beginning. I was told that I needed to climb a new Tower. A Tower made of crystal and light rather than stone.
As I began to climb, whispered challenges floated to me from voices that I could not be sure were truly there. And then the Voice of the Crone, clear and undeniable, demanded to know why I had chosen to hide in shadows, and when and why I had made that choice. I told her that it was safe and comforting to be hidden, to be invisible and therefore untouchable. That in the shadows no one can see my defect, or be damaged by it, or use it to hurt me, or reject me for it. She challenged me to name it. “need, anger, confusion, pleasure, shame, fear” She gave me chains to carry; I think those were their names. She released me and I began to climb again and the whispers returned.
The Dark God, the Sage, Commanded me to stop, and the whispers were suddenly silent. His hands were immediately around my throat and at that moment I should have been terrified but, I do not remember being afraid. I remember feeling safe. I remember feeling that in the hands of My God, I could not be anything other than safe and protected. I remember feeling very calm and still and quiet, and I remember swearing an oath in my heart that I would not fail Him. He challenged me to remember who I was before I chose to hide in shadows and at first I could not. I had to look for it but, finally I found the child there in the past, in the light, and He released me to continue on my ascent and the whispers returned as I climbed the stairs until I reached the top.
I have spent the past few weeks remembering the person I was when I was eight. I can remember many of the things that I thought were fun, and how I loved my brothers, and mud and cleaning my closet (I loved to collect things and hide them in boxes in my closet, I suppose Saturn has always been my friend) How I dreamed of dancing and how I loved making costumes out of scarves (I still have a beautiful scarf collection) I really am the same person, I still love the same things and I have promised to play a lot more from now on.
I have also spent time being the person I was when I was nine. I have relived and remembered the things that happened. I have re-thought with my nine year old rational, logical brain the conclusions and decisions I had come to then. I have re-examined the evidence from then and from the past six months (I give thanks for friends that have taught me that it is safe to touch and be touched) and have been able to come to more accurate conclusions and a better approximation of truth. This has not been a time of trauma but, of healing my Self, my mind, my beliefs. This has been a time of rediscovering the whole person that I have always been and the beauty of my own soul, at eight, and at nine and at forty-seven.
The God and the Goddess required that I return to that place and time and so I have. Now it is time to face the light. May I go forth Shining.