I have been very quiet for a while now. I have been wanting to write but have been focused on listening. I have been dreaming much more than I ever have in the past. At first the dreams were expressions of my hormonal situation (it seems that my body was reacting to the imminent onset of menapause by ramping up my libido to epic proportions) Being single and living alone, it was a bit frustrating. But that seems to have passed for the moment and for a while now the dreams have taken on a quieter and more reflective tone.
After the frenzy of the past few months I feel exhausted and my dream sleep has become difficult to surface from on a daily basis. I find it tiring to engage with others. I find myself wanting to be with loved ones but engaging them does not come naturally. I want to sit silently and be near them and watch them and listen to them but, my thoughts have difficulty finding their way into language and then to expression through speech.
I held my granddaughter yesterday for the first time. I could have happily sat there for days. Because I did not have to use words, I could simply hold her close in my arms and allow my heart to feed my love directly into her little body. I could simply feel her breathe and whisper into her ears, my voice and my breath carrying energy and light into her sleeping mind. It is a magick without words.
That is strange to me. My thoughts have always before expressed themselves through language. I love words. But it seems as though one of the results of the initiation is that I now experience and express magick and ideas through images and other sensory information. Perhaps this was the way I functioned when I was young, before I fell so completely in love with words. I do not know but, I am becoming more comfortable with it and better at interpreting it.
It seems as though, in order to write, I must disengage from it, to surface into the waking world, and as soon as I have achieved my purpose, I sink back into the dreaming without words. I do hope to find a way to integrate the two. Perhaps this next month will hold some key about how to do just that. Blessings upon you as we approach the return of the light.