For the past six months or so one of my specific and stated intentions has been to unlock the boxes within myself, to discover what lies within them, and to master whatever I might find there.
The boxes and my intention to unlock them are not constantly in my waking consciousness. Sometimes I forget for moments or days at a time, I become distracted by daily life, by the normal everyday of living. And then something draws my attention back to the boxes and I am reminded that even when I am not paying attention, even when I am not actively pursuing this intent, words said in sacred space have power and the magick is continuing.
My Patron has been insistent that this is necessary if I am to take on the responsibility of completing my third degree initiation. That it is required in order to find and use my power. That it is non-negotiable if I am to truly know myself. I am not arguing this point but, it has been difficult and painful.
I have been on a journey of self-discovery regarding my own identity, specifically my sexual identity. This has resulted in many of the boxes being unlocked and the shamanic healing that I sought has also had a similar effect. The result has been particularly extreme in this past week.
I have been dreaming and remembering and it has robbed me of sleep and of peace in my waking life. The lack of sleep and the images and emotions in my dreams have robbed me of my ability to shut down my emotions and of my shields against feeling too much. I have even resorted to old behaviors out of desperation in an attempt to escape the return of feelings and thoughts that I have not had in decades.
Old ways of thinking have reared their heads. The argument that it would be safer not to love, that it would be easier to remain strong and cold and hard, that allowing my heart to feel again is a mistake. There is a very strong urging to walk away from anyone who threatens to touch me, to make me feel. That trusting anyone who could abandon me, or take something from me, is a foolish risk not to be considered. The desire to hurt those I do love in order to drive them away from me is incredibly intense as well.
My heart feels like it has been frozen and the thaw and return of feeling are as painful as frostbitten limbs being flushed with blood again. It has also been violent in its awakening. And the fact that others have witnessed my convulsions has been humiliating.
The pain in my heart remains and I do not know for certain that it will ever really go away now. Perhaps this is what it feels like to be alive. I do not really know but, I will not abandon my intent. I will do whatever is necessary to live, and to love, and to feel. I will not turn back, no matter what may come. So Mote It Be.