Having left my job without another secured, I have been searching actively every day. I spend a lot of time looking for jobs to apply to. I have also been fighting against the feeling that I should feel guilty and miserable and do nothing except job search until I secure the ONE position that will absolve me of my “sin”.
A full-time, day-shift, office job that pays enough to meet my obligations. Some of the parameters I have placed on it are mine. No Sales, close to home. But a lot of the “rules” do not come from me; they come from someone else who gave me the rules years ago. I am still trying to comply with someone else’s idea of what my life needs to look like.
Finally, yesterday after a very vivid dream that began the process, a conversation with my ex-husband (the source of some of the original “rules”), a conversation with my High Priestess’ youngest son (who is currently in college) and a few hours spent with a wolf-pup (all dogs are wolves), I had an epiphany.
I live alone, with just my Pwca (and he cannot tell time). I am not a morning person. I like a lot of different things and can do a lot of different things. I really miss actively practicing massage. I don’t like being constrained, or having all of my “eggs in one basket”. I like structure and I crave freedom. I am capable of creating the structure I need.
It finally occurred to me that I can build the life I want to build. It can look the way I want it to. I do not have to please anyone but me and Pwca and all he cares about is that I am happy and healthy and home regularly. He has finally begun to play again. I had been very concerned for his welfare lately as he has been lethargic (reflecting my ill health).
So I have been daydreaming and imagining what I WANT my life to be. I am continuing to search in the traditional way but I am considering part-time jobs, evening shifts, and doing many things at many places. Meeting new people, becoming a part of my mundane community, and having fun. A few shifts at one place doing one type of work, a shift here and a shift there doing different things in different places. Having time to give a massage to someone once in a while, having time to write and of course having time to spend with my Moonfire, my community, my family and friends.
Having faith in myself, in my Gods, Ancestors and Guides. Having faith in my abilities and my own hard work. Living in faith and not in fear. Living out loud, without the need for an escape route. I have always wanted to be that person. And yes, it helps immensely to know that my family and friends have my back, that failure will not be catastrophic. That Pwca and I will never be homeless or starving (or separated).
But I am not so focused on the possibility of failure; fear is not the overriding principle in my life. I want to remain in my treehouse and if I can build my life the way I want, I will. The future is as yet unknown and unwritten, but I am finally able to imagine it like I never have before. I am not afraid. I can create that which I dream. I can build the life I truly want.