I had planned on journeying on New Year’s Eve to new places on the Astral; by way of a path than I rarely take. I know the path leads there but, as sometimes happens, I found myself unable to pass through the Void. I tried several times but to no avail.
I have in the past found myself “earth-bound” and it is both frustrating and self-imposed. And so the task becomes to find the reason that I have tethered myself to the mundane. Balance is very important and it is necessary and beautiful to engage in the world in which I live in the physical but, exploring the otherworlds, seeking visions and dreams for the future ,is also necessary and important and profoundly beautiful.
I recognize this tethering as a function of my “control mechanism”. And that it is most likely a reaction to some fear that I am not facing. So the logical thing would be to identify that of which I am afraid.
I will not go into the trail of thoughts that lead me to identify the fear but, I will expose it for what it is. It is irrational and unrealistic. I am afraid of not returning. I am afraid of what happens if I cannot regain the world of responsibility. If somehow I cannot function and support myself, I could lose my autonomy. I could be institutionalized and find myself again in a world where I am under the control of those who would condemn and try to destroy my beliefs and the freedom of my own mind.
I have lived in a place like that, and I survived and discovered strength I did not know I had but, it cost me years of awareness and almost cost me the ability to know joy.
I spoke about it yesterday with my ex-husband and he reinforced the truth that I am an adult and no one can commit me, and certainly not to a place like that again. He also reminded me that I am too strong to lose myself and my ability to take care of myself and my responsibilities.
It was good to hear him say that, knowing how hard I have worked to achieve my independence. The fear is irrational but, until I identified it and faced it and named it and tested it, it held tremendous power over my soul.
The fear of it still tightens my chest and closes my throat, so I breathe and try to relax. It will take me a while I think to overcome it enough to journey again to those wondrous lands where I find truth and dreams. In the meantime I focus on those moments when I have experienced the power and beauty and profound joy that magick holds for me.
I will never again be under the power of that which would kill my soul.
So mote it be.