In the past ten days it seems as though every fear I have ever had has crept out from every crack and crevice and closet to become obstacles on my path, to make me trip and stumble. I have not been able to do more than the most simple and rudimentary practice. I have not been able to hear or to travel. I have not wanted to leave the safety of my home. Going to work has been an exercise in anxiety.
I have tried to write letters to loved ones without success. I have tried to journal, but have only been able to scratch out the most clumsy and awkward of phrases to document the banality of my daily life.
This life feels completely void of magick, poetry or joy. There is no pleasure or hope or connection. It feels as though I am completely disconnected from all that I love. I am trapped in a gray wasteland with no color, no warmth, no light.
For me this is the “Dark Night of the Soul” This disconnection, this cold numbness of my heart, this deafness of my soul, this crippling of my mind and muting of my voice. This despair brings moments when I doubt there is any reason to keep living. If this is what my life is to be, I don’t want to face the future, I would rather quit this life altogether.
But I have been here before, many times before. I may not truly believe at this moment but, I will find a reason to wake up tomorrow. I will keep waking up until this grayness passes. And it WILL pass. I know that it will because I have been here before and if I keep waking up, the magick will return to my life.
I tell you this because this is a part of living with the shadows and I know that I am not the only one. I tell you this so that you will understand that even in this wasteland, there is hope, even when I cannot see it, or feel it, or hear it, the light is there. The beauty is there. This is faith, to keep waking up until the magick returns. I will keep breathing until it returns. I will continue to keep faith with the shadows.