sometimes I feel small...

I am the High Priestess of the Weavers of the Moonfire.  I have worked for years to earn the privilege to serve this coven, this family that I love.  I am blessed and honored to guide and nurture these amazing witches, as they seek knowledge, of themselves, of their path, of their own power and magick.  I find immense joy in fulfilling my purpose in guiding my beloveds as they seek to heal themselves, transform themselves into stronger, happier people. 

I have worked hard for years to know how big I truly am, big enough to do this, bigger than I was taught I should be.  And I am, big enough.  But sometimes I feel small.

There are days when I feel low, weary, anxious.  There are days when I do not feel big enough to do the work I love.  That does not mean that I am NOT big enough, that only means that sometimes I do not FEEL big enough.  

When I feel small, I can pretend that everything is fine but, that tends to give the smallness more power.  Last week I told my lover that I was feeling small.  He heard me, understood me, and reassured me that I would be big enough when I needed to be.  The smallness passed, as such feelings will, but I am grateful for the way he holds space for me to feel however I feel in any given moment.

We do not have to be big always.  We do not have to be strong every moment. We can allow ourselves to be human, small, weak, afraid even.  We can be sad, or wild, or angry, or mean.  We can feel petty and over-sensitive and churlish and childish and selfish.  (We do not have to indulge in behavior that hurts others just because we feel these things).  We do not need to be perfect. And when we are feeling small, we can ask for those we love to hear us, and hold space for us, and be patient with us until we are able to return to our better selves.  (And if some of that leaks into our behavior, we can ask for forgiveness.)

It is helpful to remember that I am a guide, and that those I care for need me to walk the path that they will walk but, they will walk it for themselves.  I do not need to be any bigger than is needed to hold the torch so they can see the path before them.  And even when I feel small, I am big enough.  Blessed Be.

Blessing the Waters and the Community

I am the High Priestess of a Coven, the Weavers of the Moonfire.  I live in a small town where there is not a large public pagan community.  That is not to say that the community does not exist here, but that it is not highly visible.  And I am about to attempt to make it much more visible, if not to our mundane community, at least to its self.

The nearest Pagan Pride event happens in Philadelphia. Our Coven will be participating with other covens from our Tradition, as well as other members of the greater community.  But before that Saturday in September, we will be offering a Public Ritual in a Public Park in our town.

The Intent of the Ritual is to Bless, Honor and Protect the Waters that flow through our town.  We hope to inspire the members of our local community to take actions to honor and protect the Waters that give Life to the Land on which we live.  We are also hoping to raise donations to send to support the Water Protectors of the Standing Rock Reservation in North and South Dakota.   

But, I also hope that the individuals in our local community will see each other and will know that they are not alone here, that they will understand that we all have allies here.  I want the community to become more aware of itself.  

This is action that I feel compelled to take.  This is how I can act to make my world better.  This is how I can act to support others in the Great Work.  Yes, this action is outside of my comfort zone, but it is not outside of my abilities.  It is action that I have been guided to for over a year.  I will write more about the seeds that have been planted in me to do this thing.  But for now, there is much work to be done.  May it be Blessed.

Despair is the enemy of change...

This past week has been a difficult one for many, including me.  First there was the shock of the shooting itself.  Then came the grief and anger and fear, the frustration and desire for retribution, and the insult of erasure.  

   

The sheer stupidity and incredible ignorance of the public discourse was almost unbearable if you even bothered to listen, which truth be told, I did not. Because I knew it would be dreadful and I refused to subject myself to it.  But I am aware of the effect it had on those I love.

I do not advocate willful ignorance.  Hiding one’s head in the sand is not a practical solution to the ills of our world but, I can spend five minutes a day in research to discover the facts of what happened and to get confirmation that the reactions of the ignorant and hateful factions of our society are indeed what I had suspected they would be.  I refuse to spend the precious substance of my life, my time, exposing my soul to the wasteful and damaging effects of hate-speech.

I am angry that someone massacred forty-nine people.  Forty-nine of my fellow humans died for no other reason than the hate of another damaged human.  I am angry that those who have a voice are ignoring the fact that those who died were members of a community that has historically been targeted for violence and that has not been protected by those who are entrusted with the defense of the people.

I have loved ones who have been a part of that community for decades.  I too identify as a member of that community, I identify as Queer, although I am not seen as such by almost anyone.  I am angry at the erasure of identity being practiced by those with a public voice in the discourse surrounding this tragedy. 

But the worst thing of all to me is the despair I witness in the hearts and souls of those whom I love.  Two beloveds in particular have spoken words of despair this week, one young and straight, the other gay and middle-aged.  Despair does not discriminate.

Despair is the enemy, make no mistake.  It is normal and natural and completely understandable and I do not ridicule my beloveds, for their despair is a familiar shadow.  But Hope is needed and Faith is necessary.  We cannot affect change, and we need change, if we hold no Hope.  Despair robs us of our will, our energy, our purpose and our joy.

I know the world is a dangerous place.  I know that much of our society is ignorant and operating from a place of fear and hatred.  I know that much of our human race is ill and damaged.  But I believe that we are not beyond Healing, that we are not beyond Hope.

I have Faith that the majority of the human race is not represented by the voices shouting hatred at the top of their lungs.  Indeed those voices are so loud that they all but drown out the voices of our higher angels with their “Sound and Fury”.  But they are indeed idiots and their words signify nothing.  I have Faith that we can continue to affect change, and healing and the positive evolution of our species and our society if we keep working, struggling, fighting, believing.  I believe that we can indeed re-enchant the world so long as we do not give up Hope.

I am not delusional, although I may be stubborn.  And if the world chooses to see me as simple or sentimental because I choose Hope and Faith, so be it but, I will not despair, for despair is the enemy of change and I am a champion of Hope.  

Where I find Joy...

I have remembered something important recently.  

My purpose makes me strong.  

When I am engaged in the work of serving my Gods, and my beloveds, I am strong and well. The magick of service, of doing the work to be prepared to serve, of doing the work of serving, of fulfilling my purpose, makes me stronger, makes me whole, makes me well.

When I am serving my Gods and my beloveds, I am focused on the work, on the needs of another, on what I need to do to accomplish the required result.  In that place, I know that I am capable, that I am strong.  Doubt and despair and depression and panic, are obstacles that only hinder the work at hand.

When I engage with my Gods, my Ancestors, my Allies, when I engage with my purpose, with serving, with the work, I engage my true self. That self is not only capable but strong.  She is child and fully grown woman.  She is Witch and Priestess and Mother and Healer. She has gifts, and skills and talents and joy and Power. She has purpose and love and compassion and Will.

This where I find joy.

Humanity

I am Human.  More than anything, I am a human being, a member of the human race.  Before gender, or ethnicity, or sexuality, or spirituality, or politics, or any other detail of my individuality, I am Human.  I think of the entirety of humanity as my relations.  Truth be told, I think of many other species as my relations as well, animals, trees, waters, stones, stars, and the Fae.  But this is about my Human relations.

I am an optimist.  I believe that the human species is not beyond hope.  While we are capable of great violence and darkness, and while many suffer from soul-sickness, and our society as a whole has a great need for healing, I believe that we are also capable of great nobility and compassion.   It is my hope to be a healing influence on those humans with whom I interact in this lifetime, my family and my community but, also those whose names I do not know. My Tradition is engaged in the mission of “Re-enchanting the World” and I strive to fulfill that mission in every encounter I have every day. 

I hold hope, and faith, and love, and joy, and truth.  I hold compassion and I pray for the healing of our species, our society, and our world.  May Humanity survive this sickness long enough to evolve to become the more noble version of ourselves, and may our world survive long enough to see us do so.  So Mote It Be.         

Unlocking the boxes...

For the past six months or so one of my specific and stated intentions has been to unlock the boxes within myself, to discover what lies within them, and to master whatever I might find there. 

The boxes and my intention to unlock them are not constantly in my waking consciousness.  Sometimes I forget for moments or days at a time, I become distracted by daily life, by the normal everyday of living.  And then something draws my attention back to the boxes and I am reminded that even when I am not paying attention, even when I am not actively pursuing this intent, words said in sacred space have power and the magick is continuing.

My Patron has been insistent that this is necessary if I am to take on the responsibility of completing my third degree initiation.  That it is required in order to find and use my power.  That it is non-negotiable if I am to truly know myself. I am not arguing this point but, it has been difficult and painful. 

I have been on a journey of self-discovery regarding my own identity, specifically my sexual identity.  This has resulted in many of the boxes being unlocked and the shamanic healing that I sought has also had a similar effect. The result has been particularly extreme in this past week.

I have been dreaming and remembering and it has robbed me of sleep and of peace in my waking life.  The lack of sleep and the images and emotions in my dreams have robbed me of my ability to shut down my emotions and of my shields against feeling too much.  I have even resorted to old behaviors out of desperation in an attempt to escape the return of feelings and thoughts that I have not had in decades.

Old ways of thinking have reared their heads.  The argument that it would be safer not to love, that it would be easier to remain strong and cold and hard, that allowing my heart to feel again is a mistake.  There is a very strong urging to walk away from anyone who threatens to touch me, to make me feel.  That trusting anyone who could abandon me, or take something from me, is a foolish risk not to be considered.  The desire to hurt those I do love in order to drive them away from me is incredibly intense as well.

My heart feels like it has been frozen and the thaw and return of feeling are as painful as frostbitten limbs being flushed with blood again.  It has also been violent in its awakening.  And the fact that others have witnessed my convulsions has been humiliating. 

The pain in my heart remains and I do not know for certain that it will ever really go away now.  Perhaps this is what it feels like to be alive.  I do not really know but, I will not abandon my intent.  I will do whatever is necessary to live, and to love, and to feel.  I will not turn back, no matter what may come.  So Mote It Be.

Twrch Trwyth

My family totem is the Wild Boar.  I know what you are thinking, “Who would want a Boar as a totem animal?”  Not me, at least not at first.  In fact, it took me a long time to understand the great honor it is to have that creature as the Spirit of my bloodline.

In Welsh mythology the Boar is the gift of the Gods to humans.  It represents the Warrior Spirit.  In all of the stories, the fiercest animal of all is Twrch Trwyth, the Wild Boar.

It is not a predatory creature, but it is fierce and unyielding.  It is dangerous and wild, strong and unstoppable.  It is noble and brave. 

The Boar is not a creature that can be used other than as food.  The only way a Wild Boar serves mankind is through its death, to feed the tribe.  Hunting the Wild Boar can be fatal if the hunter is not also smart, skilled, careful, and lucky.  Many strong, brave men have died early deaths in the attempt to bring down the great creature.

The Boar is close to the Earth and has sharp tusks and cloven hooves.  It forages for food and is not easily domesticated.  If a domesticated sow is bred in captivity with a domesticated boar and then escapes captivity, the piglets she births will be wild, even in their physical appearance. 

I would have wished for a Wolf, or a Stag, or a Horse, or some other “Great Creature” as the Totem Spirit of my family but, I have come to understand and embrace the great and noble Spirit that is Twrch Trwyth.  His image is the tattoo I wear to honor my first degree initiation.  I wear a bronze amulet with his image to honor my clan.  He reminds me that I too am a warrior, brave and strong and noble, fierce and unyielding and unstoppable.

Hail Twrch Trwyth!  Hail the Wild Boar!

Secrets

Secrets are powerful things.  Some are wonderful, like the ones we shared with our closest and dearest friends or our siblings in childhood.  Or the ones we share with lovers, about our hopes and our dreams. Some are filled with magick we share with the Spirits and the Gods.

But the ones we do not share with anyone, those are the most powerful secrets of all.  Those are the secrets that can empower our greatest magick, or destroy us.

If we can find the keys and the courage to see them, to know them, they can teach us to know who we are and how to live all that we are.  They can help us to find our power and to learn to use that power. 

The ones we refuse to see, the ones we hide from, will keep us imprisoned in tombs that we will never escape.  They will keep us from the life we are here to live.  They will keep us invisible until we eventually fade away, leaving no trace that we were ever even here.  They will destroy our ability to live, to love or to create any magick at all. 

That idea is terrifying.  The only thing more frightening is the idea of actually acknowledging those secrets.  The things we don’t ever talk about.  The voices in our head that we have heard all our lives, and the words that they scream in the long dark night.  The images that we see in our mind’s eye that we want so desperately to forget.  The memories of things we have done and the things we have wished for with all of our being.  The desires of our inner selves that we could never dare to live.  The things that we are absolutely sure if anyone knew, they would forsake us forever.

But no matter what the shadows tell us, those secrets are ours and if we can reclaim them, they will not destroy us.  If we can brave our deepest fears and embrace our secrets, they can unlock our power to live our lives with magick we have never imagined, and to be happy beyond our deepest hopes. 

Find the Secrets you keep, and listen to the whispers of your soul.  Live.

the Queen of the Abyss and Past Life Work

In the past few months, two of my teachers have revealed to me impressions they had when they first met me (and ever since).  They are not wrong but, to be honest, it is a bit unsettling to be told that the secrets you thought you kept well hidden are not. 

After one of my teachers mentioned the Sorrow that I have carried through too many lives, (and the image she described was intimately familiar to me), I went searching with the intention to fully know it and release it.

http://storiesfromthecauldron.blogspot.com/2014/05/to-queen-of-abyss.html

http://journeysoftherunes.blogspot.com/2014/06/laguz-temple-of-sorrows-and-queen-of.html

Since then, I have journeyed to the Temple of Sorrows twice more.  When I first returned to the Queen I found her as I had left her, but weighed down with guilt and shame.  She showed me more of what her “sins” had been, and I spoke with her about the lifetimes we have spent in “penance” and that the time for forgiveness and peace had come.  That she had taught me compassion and that she could let go now.  The crack in the ceiling of the Temple widened and I embraced her and promised to return again and left her.

I returned once more with the intention of transforming her through the fire of sunlight into ashes that would rise as a Phoenix.  This was the image given to me by my teacher and it was my expectation and my hope.  I found the Queen in white, calm and almost smiling but when the ceiling opened fully and let in the light, it was moonlight and not sunshine.  Instead of a blaze of flame and ash, instead of the Phoenix rising, there was sparkling white light and a dove flew away into the starlit sky. 

I expected the Temple to be empty.  That the work was complete…but of course it is never that simple.  When I turned to leave, someone else stood before me, someone full of pain and rage and fear.  So the work continues, as it always will until I have finished with this life.

I have been chronicling my exploration into my sexual identity on another blog,

http://exploringthelookingglass.blogspot.com/

After reading one of my posts about a recent discovery, another of my teachers had commented that she had known that I harbored a vast amount of untapped anger.  The work  that I have ahead of me will not surprise her. 

Most people are blind.  Most people cannot see even a little past the glamours built over decades, let alone those built over lifetimes.  That is why it is so necessary to have teachers with vision and the courage to be honest about what they see, when you are ready to hear it.

I give thanks for wise teachers, for the Gods who have led me to them and for the Queen of the Abyss.  Blessed Be.

No More Pretending...

When you are different, it is sometimes easier to pretend, for the sake of others, that you are other than your nature. 

Pretending can be a useful strategy for making others more comfortable, and to get them to leave you alone. When they are not bothering you, you can spend your energy doing as you please, rather than constantly reassuring others or dealing with their questions, their concerns, their judgments or their wishes.  Stealth is also very useful because it allows you to accomplish what you want with less effort and less conflict.  It allows you to get things done without direct opposition. 

The problem with spending years in stealth mode and with pretending to be what everyone else is comfortable with, is that it becomes a habit so entrenched in your life, a pattern so deeply imbedded, that you might forget that it's not who you truly are.  And breaking that habit will take a lot of hard work.

It will take diligence and perseverance and sometimes, what may seem to be rather extreme measures.  It will take courage and intent and more hard work.  It may cause anxiety, fear, confusion, panic, more confusion, for yourself but, also for those around you. 

You will have to deal with those you love feeling afraid because you are no longer speaking or behaving in the way that they have come to expect, nor in the way that they want you to.

And you will feel awkward, because walking around as you is much different that walking around as the person you have been pretending to be. 

You might wear different clothes, different shoes, have a different posture, a different gait, a different voice that may sound strange to your ears.   You may even find yourself giving voice to thoughts you have only ever heard inside your own head before, and that will be strange too.

I am done pretending to be small.  I am done pretending to be timid. I am done pretending to be weak.  I am done being quiet.  I am done being what someone else is comfortable with.   I am done with the comfort of stealth mode, with the comfort of pretending. I am done with the comfort of habit. 

I am done living a half-life that belongs to someone else.  It is time to begin living my life as truthfully, as openly, as loudly, as largely, as I will.  No More Pretending.

If you are one of my beloveds, consider this fair warning.  I am larger than you have perceived, braver than you have guessed, stronger than you have imagined, louder than you may be comfortable with, and more powerful than you may wish.  I promise to be patient with you as you become accustomed to me.  I love you and I want you in my life, but I will continue to keep pushing until I have found how to live with the integrity that my Gods, my Ancestors and my own Soul require.  

So Mote It Be.

Re-awakening

When I finally came to this path, or returned to it, and I do believe that this was always the path I was meant to follow, I was almost dead.  I think that is why I finally found the path.  I needed to, without it I was done for this life.

I had silenced and shadowed and suppressed every natural and wild instinct I had, every magickal impulse, every source or expression of power, every hope my heart and soul and mind and body and spirit had ever had of living.

I can finally see now, that through all of it, I kept trying.  I kept reaching and pushing and scratching and clawing, I kept trying through my childhood, through my adolescence, through my years of wandering the wasteland.  Then, I found a book, and in that book I found a glimpse of what my path should be, what my life could be, and I finally began to let myself live.

It has taken another twenty-one years to fully emerge from that half-life of sleepwalking.  Over that time I have slowly and painfully re-awakened much of myself.  Each of the parts of myself had to be remembered and revived.  Each of my chakras has had to be unlocked and brought out of a state of near-death.  I feel as though I am finally ready to begin. 

In attempting to see my whole self these past few weeks, I have discovered that the last part of me to awaken may be the most important, the most vital, the key to my strength and power. My sacral chakra is the one part of me that I have only recently begun to allow free expression and it is the place in my body that I most identify as myself, as “home”.

From my earliest memories, that part of me has never stopped striving to express itself, not to the world, but to myself.  In allowing my source uncensored freedom to express and explore and experience, I have discovered that life has more depth, more vibrancy, more energy, more color and sound.  Every sense I have, including my psychic senses, as well as my “sense of self” has been heightened.  I have more energy to engage with others, with my work, with my life, with my writing and with my magick.

Each of my chakras, each of my parts, must be healthy and whole, free to express and experience life, to do the work of living.  I cannot allow any of them to be silenced or shadowed if I am to complete my work. If I am to live the life I am meant to live.  I give thanks for dear friends who have helped me to awaken and become more fully alive.  Blessed be.

Looking in the mirror

One of the tasks that have been put to me this month is, to finally turn around and look into the mirror and SEE who I am.  Not to look at my shadow but, at the entire truth of my Self.   That may sound like a simple thing but, a lifetime of habit can be a difficult thing to overcome.

I am not only my shadow. I have only recently become accustomed to standing in the light. That is not the same as looking at myself in the bright light of day and seeing who I am.  Glamours and veils not only hide who you are from those around you but, from yourself as well.  So the time has come to see myself as I am, without the distractions, without the veils and glamours, without the comfort of shadows.

I am a very strong person.  I am persistent and relentless and patient.  I am the warrior who sits beside the river until the bodies of his enemies float past him.  I am unyielding and adaptable and mutable like the river itself, constantly flowing along the path of least resistance, changing course but never relenting, finding every tiny crack and crevice to flow through, slowly and quietly eroding the earth that contains me but, always flowing to my destiny.

I have power and a need to communicate, a need to make an impact, to leave a mark upon the earth, upon my community, upon my world.  Not the impact of a meteor, not a simple round hole, no matter how big, but a line, curving and wandering, to show where I have been and the path that I have taken so that others may follow it when I am gone and find where it has led me, and continue it beyond the places I have journeyed to.

I have a purpose and the power to accomplish that purpose.  I have a path and a destiny.  I have an enduring strength that will not be controlled or contained. 

“The River she is flowing, flowing and growing, 

the River she is flowing, down to the Sea. 

Mother, carry me, your child I will always be, 

Mother, carry me, down to the Sea.”

Not All Women

I understand that many women live with pain and fear every day.  I understand and acknowledge their need and their right to share their stories and bring awareness of the inequity of their suffering to our greater society.  I have compassion for them.  But the only statement I am willing to let someone else make about me as a woman, is a statement that applies to all humans, for example, “All humans have the right to live without fear or abuse”.  (I would actually prefer that the statement refer to all persons, human and other, but that is another subject).

Many of the statements made recently about “all women”, do not apply to me.  I do not live in fear " because I am a woman". I have not suffered abuse " because I am a woman".  I am not a victim " because I am a woman".  No man in my life has caused me pain " because I am a woman". 

In fact, I know more than one wonderful man who has suffered pain and abuse and who has lived with more fear than I have ever known (and for the record at least one of them suffered at the hands of a woman).

I am very fortunate and yes, even privileged.  I am grateful for the blessing of a life that holds little to fear and certainly not abuse.  My life is not all ease and leisure but, that has nothing at all to do with my gender.  No one gets to speak for me.  And it makes me angry that anyone would presume to, especially when those statements are untrue.  I do not seek to silence those who need to tell their stories.  I simply ask that they do not presume to tell mine.  

I would suggest that we stop taking sides against each other.  I do not think it serves us as a species to perpetuate the attitudes that divide us, that cause us to see one another as the enemy.  Haven’t we learned yet that hate begets hate?  Regardless of what makes us different, hating those who are different from us, blaming any group of "others" for our own suffering, is a path that leads to horrors that we need not repeat. (Do we really want the KKK or the Nazis to be models for our social discourse?)

I was asked to voice my feelings on this subject by someone who feels he cannot enter the conversation because he is male.  It makes me angry to see another person silenced.  Stories are powerful magick. Keep telling your stories, keep talking to each other, but make room for “Yes, All People”.

Remembering the Maiden

Dancing Maiden by Katarina Silva

This past weekend I met a radiant young woman who has a beautifully open heart.  We encountered each other a few times and engaged in pleasant and polite conversations about art and other things, and about not limiting ourselves with language (this lesson I have learned from one of my teachers and  in turn try to pass it along to others).  I saw her dance and smile and each time I was filled with joy at being witness to her first steps upon a path that I have loved for many years now.

It brings great light to my heart to hope that I will be walking this path with her and that thought inspires me to remember that the Maiden lives within me as well, even as I take my first steps into my life as a Crone. 

On the last evening of the weekend I found myself engaged again in conversation with this Bright Child and as will sometimes happen, the conversation went somewhere that I did not expect and rather than politely restraining myself, I dove in head first and followed where my heart and mind led. 

It was a wonderful feeling but after, I felt as though I should be embarrassed that I had been “too loud” and “too big” in expressing my thoughts and in engaging so enthusiastically and completely.  Indeed I was surprised at my behavior.

The next morning I was given the gift of hearing the perceptions that some in my community have of me, specifically that I am never loud or big and while I was not criticized for my unusual behavior it was remarked upon for its rarity.

I learned a few things from this experience.  First was recognition of the feeling that I should be ashamed for being “too loud or too big”.  (One of my teachers will be very pleased to know that I am no longer going to unconsciously accept that premise.)  It is not cause for shame to be engaged fully and enthusiastically with others.

Another lesson I have learned from this experience is that the Maiden is alive and well within me.  My sisters on this path embody the Maiden even as they welcome me into the Sisterhood of the Crone.  They are full of life and joy and adventure and I am grateful for their companionship and guidance.

I give thanks for the Maiden Encountered and for the Maiden Remembered and for the Maiden Reborn within me.

Bloodlines

My bloodlines are important to me, to my spiritual path.  They are where I come from and where I am going and who I am.  Perhaps not the entirely of the picture, but certainly the essential palette without which there would be no picture.

I think of my bloodlines as the paint, the pigments, the colors of which I am made and the composition as my specific path in this life, the choices I make are the brushstrokes.

I think that metaphor is useful but, I will not belabor it further.  This is about the colors of my bloodlines.  In this digital age we can view an identical image in multiple palettes without altering any other factor and in each instance the image will be uniquely different.

Knowing yourself is the first goal of the witch, for how can we pursue evolution if we do not understand ourselves?  I am a person, with specificity and individuality.  I am unique.  I will never again be this person.  This is the life I have in this incarnation.  And my bloodlines are the source material  of this life, of my body, heart, mind, and soul. 

I have specific talents and abilities, and processes that are necessary to the work that I am here to accomplish.  I cannot function the way another person does.  I must work within the framework and with the pigments of the palette that is me.

My bloodlines are metaphorical as well as genetic.  I am the descendant of my ancestors both familial and spiritual.  All are the stuff of the stars that made me.

I am descended from coal-miners who emigrated from South Wales to North-East Pennsylvania and German craftsmen who immigrated to Baltimore.  I am descended from musicians and stubborn, strong-willed, secret-keepers.  I hear the voices of trees and stones and running water.  I do not see, but rather feel the music of the Fae.  I am not the Phoenix but the Owl, not the Hero but the Storyteller, not the Singer but the Songwriter.

My bloodlines inform the nature of my work in this life as well as the way in which I will accomplish it.  The more intimately I understand those bloodlines and myself, the better I can accomplish that work.

Blood Magick

Blood is a Magickal substance.  It sustains life, in ways no other part of us can. It delivers oxygen and nutrients to all the cells of the body.  It can be given to others to sustain life, without damaging the giver.  It carries our DNA, our genetic code, the pattern that connects us to our ancestors and our descendants.

Blood marks the thresh hold between childhood and coming of age.  It is the place that the beginning of life is formed.  It flows at miscarriage and birth.  And it stops flowing at the time of change, when we are no longer capable of creating life.

It flows when we are injured, whether from a skinned knee in childhood or from some traumatic event, whether accidental or combative, or at the moment of initiation into the mystery of sexual awakening.

Without it flowing freely through us, we die. It is the essence of life. It carries our life force.  It is that part of us that is most quintessentially ourselves.

I sacrifice a drop of my blood every morning to test my sugar to maintain the health of my body.  I also sacrifice a drop or two to my Magick on occasion.

It is a part of me that I can give to my Magick, to my Gods, to my Ancestors, to my Allies, without causing permanent damage to my body.  It is the most direct way to connect to those spells that are of utmost importance to my life.  My Magick is at least as important to me as my health.  My Magick is as personal to me as my body.  My blood is an essential part of me, and it is mine to give as I see fit.

If you are healthy enough to donate blood to the Red Cross, consider the Magick that you are giving to your community.  Consider the Magick that saves the life of a stranger.  That is a spell worthy of a Great Witch.

Annwfn

Annwfn is the Underworld in Welsh mythology.  It is the home of my Ancestors and of my Patron.  It is the place our souls go after.  It is a place of shadow and of beauty.  It is a place of warmth and rest and pleasure.

Our Spirits are connected to the entire cosmos and as such they have a destiny that is one with the Greater Earth.  Our Spirits are eternal.  They reincarnate over and over.  They move forward and evolve from incarnation to incarnation.  At death, they pass from the individual into the Summerland and, after a time, they move on to the next incarnation. 

But each life is a new experience, a new person, a new body and mind and heart and soul.  I will never again be this person.  I will never again have this unique life.  This body, this soul is a gift that will never be duplicated.

When my body returns to the Earth, my soul will not die, but will return to its source in Annwfn and become one of the Ancestors of my clan, of my tribe.  Annwfn is not only our soul’s destination after incarnation but, also the source of our soul and of our genetic pattern, that gives form to the body; that gives structure to the mind and heart unique to the individual as well as the family group.  Annwfn is the womb of life as well as the afterlife. 

Spirit is eternal, but without the body and soul of the individual, Spirit would have no way to evolve.  Our souls are a part of the process of evolution.  Our bloodlines are as well.  Annwfn is the home of those souls and those bloodlines.  We are all in this together.  

Ancestors and ancestors

Many Pagans of many persuasions honor or worship “the Ancestors”.  And many feel no connection at all to the ancestors of their families, their blood.  While I absolutely respect their feelings on this as it applies to them, I feel a very strong connection not only to “the Ancestors” but to my own blood ancestors. 

The Ancestors of our Greater Earth, the Spiritual Ancestors, the Fae and the Animal Spirits, the Gods, are Ancestors to all of us on this Earth.  And I honor them and even “worship” them in offering them my love and my service and in asking for their guidance, blessings and protection.

But I am not only spirit.  I am all parts of me.  In this incarnation I am a physical being and as a result I have a mind, heart, soul, shadows and a body.  All of these are a part of who I am in this life.  My body is made of cells and each one of those carries within it the DNA of my blood ancestors, of my family. I believe that blood, that DNA, has as much to do with the way my heart and mind work as with the color of my hair and the color of my eyes.  I believe that my soul is as affected by that blood as my body is.

I also believe that my purpose in this life, in my past and future lives, is not only to evolve as a spiritual being and a part of the “Greater Earth’, but to evolve my family’s fate.  I am here to continue the work to resolve the shadows my family, my blood, has carried forward through generations.  I am here to help guide my children and their children to improve our family’s Wyrd as well as their own spiritual beings.

I am all parts of me and my blood and my soul are not on separate paths.  I walk into the future carrying (or dragging if necessary) my entire bloodline with me. 

May the blessings of the Ancestors and of my ancestors be upon me as I do so.

Exploring the Other Side

I have started another blog to explore gender, sexuality and identity.  I welcome you to join me there if you wish.  

http://exploringthelookingglass.blogspot.com/

This blog will continue to remain on point about my spiritual journey.

Exploring sexuality is not separate from spirituality, and indeed my spiritual journey has lead me to that exploration.  

Blessings on each of you as we enter the dark of the year.