sometimes I feel small...

I am the High Priestess of the Weavers of the Moonfire.  I have worked for years to earn the privilege to serve this coven, this family that I love.  I am blessed and honored to guide and nurture these amazing witches, as they seek knowledge, of themselves, of their path, of their own power and magick.  I find immense joy in fulfilling my purpose in guiding my beloveds as they seek to heal themselves, transform themselves into stronger, happier people. 

I have worked hard for years to know how big I truly am, big enough to do this, bigger than I was taught I should be.  And I am, big enough.  But sometimes I feel small.

There are days when I feel low, weary, anxious.  There are days when I do not feel big enough to do the work I love.  That does not mean that I am NOT big enough, that only means that sometimes I do not FEEL big enough.  

When I feel small, I can pretend that everything is fine but, that tends to give the smallness more power.  Last week I told my lover that I was feeling small.  He heard me, understood me, and reassured me that I would be big enough when I needed to be.  The smallness passed, as such feelings will, but I am grateful for the way he holds space for me to feel however I feel in any given moment.

We do not have to be big always.  We do not have to be strong every moment. We can allow ourselves to be human, small, weak, afraid even.  We can be sad, or wild, or angry, or mean.  We can feel petty and over-sensitive and churlish and childish and selfish.  (We do not have to indulge in behavior that hurts others just because we feel these things).  We do not need to be perfect. And when we are feeling small, we can ask for those we love to hear us, and hold space for us, and be patient with us until we are able to return to our better selves.  (And if some of that leaks into our behavior, we can ask for forgiveness.)

It is helpful to remember that I am a guide, and that those I care for need me to walk the path that they will walk but, they will walk it for themselves.  I do not need to be any bigger than is needed to hold the torch so they can see the path before them.  And even when I feel small, I am big enough.  Blessed Be.

Y Gwir Yn Erbyn Y Byd!

The Grand Sword of the Gorsedd of Bards 

“Y Gwir Yn Erbyn Y Byd” The Welsh proverb “The Truth against the World” is only the beginning of a ritual litany.   

Before the National Eisteddfod (a bardic competition of singing, recitation and instrumental mastery celebrating Welsh identity, language and culture) can commence, the Gorsedd (gathering) of Bards conducts a ritual in which the Grand Sword (upon which these words are inscribed) is partially unsheathed and laid upon a stone altar.

The call is made “Y Gwir yn Erbyn y Byd!” The Truth against the World!

The response is a question “A oes Heddwch?" Is there Peace?

Then comes the call “Calon wrth Galon!" (Heart to Heart!) and again the question “A oes Heddwch?"

Then finally the call "Gwaedd uwch Adwaedd! A oes Heddwch?” (Shout above the shouting! Is there peace?)  

The Eisteddfod cannot commence until the Gorsedd has declared Peace among them.

These words move me.  I have written before about the meaning that “Truth against the World” holds for me but; this past week I have been thinking about them a great deal.  My Third degree Initiation into my Tradition will occur in two weeks. It is an initiation into Service, as clergy and leadership in my Coven and my Tradition.  It is the beginning of a new leg of my journey. 

And I have been contemplating my purpose in this world in light of this new phase.  “Truth against the World” is a large part of that purpose, but it is only the beginning, only the starting point.  It is not about Truth for truth’s sake but, Truth for the greater purpose of Peace.  My heart calls out for Truth, for Love, for Healing of our World, and for Peace. 

Two days ago I had these words, Y Gwir Yn Erbyn Y Byd, inscribed (tattooed) upon my right forearm in red script, to commemorate the beginning of this stage in my life but, also to remind me every time I see them of my purpose, and of the entire litany.  To remind myself to ask the question “A oes Heddwch?"  Do I bring Peace?

I am not a pacifist, although I respect those who hold that place in our world.  My heart longs for Peace but, not for peace at any cost. Peace without Liberty is not Peace but rather oppression.  My purpose is Peace and Freedom, my purpose is Peace through Truth.  May my Gods, Ancestors and Allies bless me in my purpose.

Y Gwir Yn Erbyn Y Byd!

Cernunnos; into the woods

My Coven’s Patron is the Horned God Cernunnos, Lord of the Wild, both the wild within the Natural World and within the Human Soul.

The following is a Journey I wrote a couple of years ago as a way to introduce others to my Beloved Wild God.  I hope you enjoy the experience.  Good Journey.

You are standing in a clearing on a hill, surrounded by woods.

Before you stands a stone tower, the surface half-covered with moss.

There are ancient symbols carved into the stones and as you try to decipher them you notice a rough wooden door, dark with age.

You pull on the latch and slowly, the door opens enough to allow you to enter.

Inside it is quiet. Air warm as a summer night drifts down from windows high above. The floor is smooth and worn.  There is a stair to your left spiraling upward and to your right leading down.

You turn to your left and begin to ascend the stair.  The stone steps are even and smooth and easy to climb.  The air is warm and fragrant.  You can see glimpses of a starry sky through the high narrow windows above you and you climb step by step up and around and up and up and up and around.  You can no longer see the door but you keep climbing wondering when you will reach the top.  Just as you are considering turning back you come to another door. 

The stair continues to spiral even further upward and you consider continuing your ascent but you are drawn to the door. It is a warm golden wood carved with spirals and ancient symbols.  You test the latch and the door opens smoothly and easily outward into a forest of ancient trees in full green, the stars of the summer night sparkling through the leaves and branches high above your head. 

Fire flies glow and blink their green light everywhere between the trees and as you watch them you notice a path before you and a creature standing in the path some yards ahead.  It is large and very still and you have to look for a few moments before you can discern what the creature is.  Then you begin to make out the graceful antlers reaching up from its brow and you know that the creature standing so still, waiting for you, is a Great Stag.  And He is indeed waiting.  You step forward onto the path and the Stag begins to walk away from you. You stop and he stops looking back at you and waiting, so you step forward again and follow the magnificent creature as it leads you down the path deep into the forest.

You follow the Stag for what seems a very long distance.  You begin to worry that you will be lost in these woods but then the Stag disappears around a bend in the path and when you reach the spot, your heart pounding from the fear that you have lost your guide, you find yourself in a glade, the Stag indeed gone from sight. 

The ground is clear and smooth, a small brook flows along one side and there reclining beside the brook, playing with the flowing water with one hand, is a very strange looking man.

He is naked and his long brown hair is braided with vines and feathers and from his brow raises a graceful pair of antlers.

This is Cernunnos.  Green Man and Horned God.  Lord of the Forest, Lord of the Beasts.  The Wild God. 

He looks up at you and grins, his eyes sparkling with mischief and what seems like laughter.  He doesn’t speak but rises and you hear plainly in your head “Lets Run!”

 He runs, and you follow.  You find that despite what you would have expected you are able to run as fast as He.  Faster and easier than you ever have, leaping higher and with more power and grace than you have ever known. It is exhilarating and your heart beats and your blood rushes through your veins and your muscles move with a strength and agility you have only ever dreamt of.   You Run and run  until you finally lose sight of him and you stop running, not even a little out of breath and step forward into the glade and find him as you did before.

Drink from the brook, cool your brow if you wish, relax on the soft ground.  Spend as much time as you like with the God.

When you feel it is time to go, thank the God and take your leave of Him.  Follow the path back to the tower. The door stands open and you enter and descend the stair then pass through the Door to the place where you began.

The Journey...

The foundation of my personal spiritual practice is not something that I do every day (except for a week or two for very specific reasons).  It is something that I did not begin practicing until I was 28 years old, when I read my first book about the path I am now walking.

The Celtic Shaman by John Mathews was a book that I found in a “normal” bookstore in town while attending a very conservative Christian University.  I had moved to South Carolina and was living in a camper off campus in an attempt to complete my degree at the University my parents had sent me to when I left the College in Indiana.  It was a very intense four months of self-discovery and a very painful time of darkness.  In that book I first read the names of my Gods.  I first learned that there were stories and poems about the Gods of my Ancestors.  And through that book I experienced my first Journey into the Otherworlds.  That book changed my life forever.  That Journey and every Journey since saved my life.

For years I had no other practice but journey and building relationships, I did not even write for almost 14 years except for a rare poem or two.  And those Journeys eventually led me to my beloved Coven and Community.  My Patroness has led me through the Journey and I have met many who guide and strengthen me.  

If I lost all else, I would still have my relationships with my Gods, my Ancestors and my Allies, I would still have joy in my heart and the sustaining practice of the journey.
I give thanks for all of those with Whom I have relationship and for the new Allies I meet as I continue my journey on this path.  Blessed am I on this path.  

Expectations

I have been trying to live up to the expectations of others for most of my life.  I have never really known what those expectations were, I have usually failed to meet them and, I have never stopped trying.  But in trying to understand what others expect from me, and in trying to meet those imagined expectations, I have failed to see what it was that I expected of myself.  I have limited my beliefs of what I am capable of. 

I have failed to see that I can do and be more than what someone else expects.  I have assumed that I am less than, rather than more than, what another wanted me to be, or what I imagined that they wanted me to be.

There is a lovely and delicious freedom in letting go of those expectations and the limits that I have placed upon myself.

My imagination is enjoying the freedom and is discovering possibilities that I have never dreamed of before.

Hephzibah House Remembered...

I unlocked the dusty cobweb covered box and opened it wide, and found…empathy.

I also found memories of a place that I visited once about twenty-seven years ago.  The visual and olfactory memory of a place where girls, who have committed no crime other than to be born into families where their spirits are abhorred, are held in captivity and no one has yet been able to free them.  My heart becomes filled with rage when I think of them.  I have remembered them off and on over the past years.  But, as is often the case when our life is not directly impacted, I put it aside because, after all, it is not mine.  But if it is not mine then, Whose is it?  Are they not my daughters, sisters, granddaughters?  Do they not belong to the God and the Goddess simply because they exist? 

They belong to me because, I remember them. 

It matters not that they and their families live within a culture of fear.  They are not lost.  They are not forgotten.  I call upon Kali to see them, to hear the unvoiced cries they dare not make  even within their own minds, hearts and souls. I call upon every Goddess and God with whom I have relationship. I call upon every daughter and son of the Goddess and the God.

My patroness Arianrhod is a Goddess of Sovereignty and she has given me a fire in my heart to act against this prison, in whatever way I can, to bring freedom to these, her daughters.  I will work every day until Hephzibah House is no more. 

“Do not turn away. Do not turn your hearts to stone.  Swing wide the doors of the prison-house and let in the bright light of day.  Let the truth be spoken aloud so that it cannot be ignored, let their pain be felt so that it cannot be forgotten, let not the children be kept unseen.  Do not let them remain invisible.  Shed tears for them, weep openly.  Do not let their spirits be murdered in silence.  Tear down the walls and break their chains.  Do not rest until this house and its jailers have been razed to the ground and turned to dust and ash.”

If you find within your heart a desire to work to free these girls, light a candle to whichever Goddess or God that you worship, and make prayers for the freedom of these children.  Leave a comment below if you wish.  Blessed be.

To the Survivors of Hephzibah House, may you find healing with your God or mine, may your stories be heard, may your efforts be victorious, may your lives be blessed, and may your spirits find joy and know their true worth.  Your strength and your courage inspire me.  Blessed be.

http://hephzibah-girls.blogspot.com/

Truth against the World

“Truth against the World” is an old Welsh proverb. When I read it for the first time, it jumped off the page and into my mind and began yelling, and it has been yelling at me ever since…

Its meaning to me is clear;

Truth, even if the whole world despises you for it. 

Truth, above all. 

Truth, no matter the consequences. 

Truth, no matter how painful. 

Truth, no matter how ugly.

Truth, no matter how uncomfortable.

Truth, no matter how frightening.

“the Truth will make you free.” 

“to thine own self be True.”

Truth is the greatest calling I can imagine.

on Releasing Power

Magick requires that all of our parts agree with our intent to use power.  But it also requires that our will is fully engaged.  The will to build power, the will to hold power and ultimately the will to release power, focused and with force towards our intent.

My mind might agree that a certain change is desirable.  My body might be able to participate in the magick and even to do the physical work that is necessary to accomplish that change.  My soul may agree that the change I seek is within its sense of purpose and integrity.  My spirit may see the benefit to my evolution and to the world.

But without my heart being moved beyond simple desire, to feel that it MUST be, the power will never be released with enough focus and intent to accomplish what I hope.

I have finally discovered what engages my will.  And this is the discovery that I have made, that my will is engaged by my Warrior’s Heart and that Heart is the Heart of the Mother. 

I believe that all of the worlds and every species (Human and Fae and all of the others) must be whole and well in order for the Universe to thrive, but species are made up of individuals.  The continued existence of individuals is essential to the evolution of each species. I have an uncompromising commitment to the sovereignty of the individual’s will as well as personal freedom, integrity and honor.  

Most of my work has been finding balance between light and darkness, between order and chaos, because both honor and freedom are required for integrity.

I have a strong need for autonomy, independence as well as for nurturing and caring for others.  I have compassion.  I value relationships. I value Life.  I value freedom. I value chaos.  I value TRUTH above all else.

The things that I hold sacred, that I value most, those are the things that engage my will.  Those situations that harm my loved ones, that raise my anger, that raise my fire, that move me, those are the keys to my power.  My greatest power is engaged by my greatest anger.

That is not to say that I must protect my loved ones from all of the pain life might bring to them.  To be honest, I do not believe that to be an ethical action.  I believe that the pain we experience teaches us and helps us to grow and evolve; and to keep our loved ones safe from that is to cheat them of life itself.

But to see my beloveds HARMED…that is another matter.  To see injustice done, enrages my Mother’s Heart and invokes the Warrior within me.  That is when Power will be released.

That is when I am at my most powerful.  When my Heart is filled to bursting.  

Invocation to The Dark Father

Recently my Patron had given me a vision of magick that he wished for me to cast.  I could not cast this spell indoors, it had to be done naked, in a wild place, under a sky filled with stars and a bright moon.  I could not cast it on my knees, or in supplication in any way.  He insisted that I stand and demand the magick.  I believe this was a lesson from Him, meant to teach me about my power and my strength.  Tomorrow is the second anniversary of this blog, I thought I would share this with you.  Thank you for walking with me on my journey.  

  

 Dark Father, My God of Long Night, Hear me!

 King of the Otherworld, My Lord of Storms, Hear me!

Wild Leader of the Hunt, God of the Whirlwind Hear me!

Heed my Call and Hear my Voice!

Arise my Glorious God and Harken to your Creature!

My Strong Father, My Lord of Raging Storms!  

Hear me now!

I am Your Daughter, Your Priestess, Your Witch!

Arise from your Throne in Annwfn!  

Heed the Call of Your Own!

My Wrath rises up within me!

My Anger burns and fills me with Flame,

With Heat that pours from my body 

in waves of Bright Power,

With Flames that Destroy all but my Will,

With Fire that Consumes and never wanes!

It Rises up within me until I am Fire Itself,

until I am Thy Burning Blade,

and naught can stand against Your Dragon Sword!

Arise my Dark Father and Heed Thy Warrior’s Will!

Under a Sacrifice Moon You Granted me Vision,

In the heat of the flames, You Gifted me Truth,

My Sacrifices have bought my Strength and Freedom,

Your Gifts have Sparked my Power, as You Desired,

I am Your Burning Flame!  I am Your Creature,

Hear my Call and Heed my Voice!

I am Your Creature, Your Daughter, Your Own! 

With Your Gifts and Your Visions in my Sight,

With Your Wild Spirit in my Soul,

With Your Burning Blade in my Heart,

And with all the Power and Strength 

that You demanded I find,

I claim the Desire You have placed within my Heart!

I am Your Creature, Your Daughter, Your Own!

Heed my Call and Hear my Words!

For they come from Your Own Heart!

By Moon and Stars and Fire and Night 

and Wild Magick!  So Mote It Be!

the Queen of the Abyss and Past Life Work

In the past few months, two of my teachers have revealed to me impressions they had when they first met me (and ever since).  They are not wrong but, to be honest, it is a bit unsettling to be told that the secrets you thought you kept well hidden are not. 

After one of my teachers mentioned the Sorrow that I have carried through too many lives, (and the image she described was intimately familiar to me), I went searching with the intention to fully know it and release it.

http://storiesfromthecauldron.blogspot.com/2014/05/to-queen-of-abyss.html

http://journeysoftherunes.blogspot.com/2014/06/laguz-temple-of-sorrows-and-queen-of.html

Since then, I have journeyed to the Temple of Sorrows twice more.  When I first returned to the Queen I found her as I had left her, but weighed down with guilt and shame.  She showed me more of what her “sins” had been, and I spoke with her about the lifetimes we have spent in “penance” and that the time for forgiveness and peace had come.  That she had taught me compassion and that she could let go now.  The crack in the ceiling of the Temple widened and I embraced her and promised to return again and left her.

I returned once more with the intention of transforming her through the fire of sunlight into ashes that would rise as a Phoenix.  This was the image given to me by my teacher and it was my expectation and my hope.  I found the Queen in white, calm and almost smiling but when the ceiling opened fully and let in the light, it was moonlight and not sunshine.  Instead of a blaze of flame and ash, instead of the Phoenix rising, there was sparkling white light and a dove flew away into the starlit sky. 

I expected the Temple to be empty.  That the work was complete…but of course it is never that simple.  When I turned to leave, someone else stood before me, someone full of pain and rage and fear.  So the work continues, as it always will until I have finished with this life.

I have been chronicling my exploration into my sexual identity on another blog,

http://exploringthelookingglass.blogspot.com/

After reading one of my posts about a recent discovery, another of my teachers had commented that she had known that I harbored a vast amount of untapped anger.  The work  that I have ahead of me will not surprise her. 

Most people are blind.  Most people cannot see even a little past the glamours built over decades, let alone those built over lifetimes.  That is why it is so necessary to have teachers with vision and the courage to be honest about what they see, when you are ready to hear it.

I give thanks for wise teachers, for the Gods who have led me to them and for the Queen of the Abyss.  Blessed Be.

No More Pretending...

When you are different, it is sometimes easier to pretend, for the sake of others, that you are other than your nature. 

Pretending can be a useful strategy for making others more comfortable, and to get them to leave you alone. When they are not bothering you, you can spend your energy doing as you please, rather than constantly reassuring others or dealing with their questions, their concerns, their judgments or their wishes.  Stealth is also very useful because it allows you to accomplish what you want with less effort and less conflict.  It allows you to get things done without direct opposition. 

The problem with spending years in stealth mode and with pretending to be what everyone else is comfortable with, is that it becomes a habit so entrenched in your life, a pattern so deeply imbedded, that you might forget that it's not who you truly are.  And breaking that habit will take a lot of hard work.

It will take diligence and perseverance and sometimes, what may seem to be rather extreme measures.  It will take courage and intent and more hard work.  It may cause anxiety, fear, confusion, panic, more confusion, for yourself but, also for those around you. 

You will have to deal with those you love feeling afraid because you are no longer speaking or behaving in the way that they have come to expect, nor in the way that they want you to.

And you will feel awkward, because walking around as you is much different that walking around as the person you have been pretending to be. 

You might wear different clothes, different shoes, have a different posture, a different gait, a different voice that may sound strange to your ears.   You may even find yourself giving voice to thoughts you have only ever heard inside your own head before, and that will be strange too.

I am done pretending to be small.  I am done pretending to be timid. I am done pretending to be weak.  I am done being quiet.  I am done being what someone else is comfortable with.   I am done with the comfort of stealth mode, with the comfort of pretending. I am done with the comfort of habit. 

I am done living a half-life that belongs to someone else.  It is time to begin living my life as truthfully, as openly, as loudly, as largely, as I will.  No More Pretending.

If you are one of my beloveds, consider this fair warning.  I am larger than you have perceived, braver than you have guessed, stronger than you have imagined, louder than you may be comfortable with, and more powerful than you may wish.  I promise to be patient with you as you become accustomed to me.  I love you and I want you in my life, but I will continue to keep pushing until I have found how to live with the integrity that my Gods, my Ancestors and my own Soul require.  

So Mote It Be.

Re-awakening

When I finally came to this path, or returned to it, and I do believe that this was always the path I was meant to follow, I was almost dead.  I think that is why I finally found the path.  I needed to, without it I was done for this life.

I had silenced and shadowed and suppressed every natural and wild instinct I had, every magickal impulse, every source or expression of power, every hope my heart and soul and mind and body and spirit had ever had of living.

I can finally see now, that through all of it, I kept trying.  I kept reaching and pushing and scratching and clawing, I kept trying through my childhood, through my adolescence, through my years of wandering the wasteland.  Then, I found a book, and in that book I found a glimpse of what my path should be, what my life could be, and I finally began to let myself live.

It has taken another twenty-one years to fully emerge from that half-life of sleepwalking.  Over that time I have slowly and painfully re-awakened much of myself.  Each of the parts of myself had to be remembered and revived.  Each of my chakras has had to be unlocked and brought out of a state of near-death.  I feel as though I am finally ready to begin. 

In attempting to see my whole self these past few weeks, I have discovered that the last part of me to awaken may be the most important, the most vital, the key to my strength and power. My sacral chakra is the one part of me that I have only recently begun to allow free expression and it is the place in my body that I most identify as myself, as “home”.

From my earliest memories, that part of me has never stopped striving to express itself, not to the world, but to myself.  In allowing my source uncensored freedom to express and explore and experience, I have discovered that life has more depth, more vibrancy, more energy, more color and sound.  Every sense I have, including my psychic senses, as well as my “sense of self” has been heightened.  I have more energy to engage with others, with my work, with my life, with my writing and with my magick.

Each of my chakras, each of my parts, must be healthy and whole, free to express and experience life, to do the work of living.  I cannot allow any of them to be silenced or shadowed if I am to complete my work. If I am to live the life I am meant to live.  I give thanks for dear friends who have helped me to awaken and become more fully alive.  Blessed be.

No Holding Back

This past Midsummer, my coven held the kind of ritual that makes magick that follows you home.  We were challenged to declare our beauty and our successes, our flaws and what we have left undone, and what we will do to continue that work.  We also challenged one another because; sometimes we see each other more clearly than we see ourselves. 

One of the wisest women I have ever met is an initiate of my coven and one of my greatest teachers.  Her challenge to me was “no holding back”.  That is indeed one of the principles that I have been striving to live by, not always successfully.  Lifelong habits are difficult to break.  It takes practice and diligence.

This past autumn I had the opportunity to fall in love, and indeed I did fall in love, with someone that I have loved and respected and trusted for quite some time.  This man is beautiful and brilliant and strong and compassionate and there is no reason in the universe that I should not have fallen in love with him, in fact it was quite inevitable I think.

Yet, instead of telling him, or showing him, instead of going to him and loving him the way my heart desired to, uncensored, without reservation, I held back.  I did not hold back out of fear, but gave myself rational and logical “reasons” and they matter not even a little bit because, I let the opportunity to love him go unrealized. 

What “reason” could possibly justify squandering the chance to show someone how you love them?  Even, or especially, if it was only a brief moment in time, would not every second that you could share with them be a priceless treasure not to be wasted?  Every moment we live is a chance to embrace our soul’s true calling.  What higher calling can there be, but to love others the way our hearts would dictate?

I let that chance pass by, I held back.  I cannot change that, life does not work that way.  But I will not continue to hold back.  Not my love, nor my magick, not my words, nor my power, not my desires, nor my purpose.  Not with my family, not with my friends, not with my beloveds nor with my community, nor with anyone else with whom I might fall in love.

I will live my life, no holding back, so mote it be.

Looking in the mirror

One of the tasks that have been put to me this month is, to finally turn around and look into the mirror and SEE who I am.  Not to look at my shadow but, at the entire truth of my Self.   That may sound like a simple thing but, a lifetime of habit can be a difficult thing to overcome.

I am not only my shadow. I have only recently become accustomed to standing in the light. That is not the same as looking at myself in the bright light of day and seeing who I am.  Glamours and veils not only hide who you are from those around you but, from yourself as well.  So the time has come to see myself as I am, without the distractions, without the veils and glamours, without the comfort of shadows.

I am a very strong person.  I am persistent and relentless and patient.  I am the warrior who sits beside the river until the bodies of his enemies float past him.  I am unyielding and adaptable and mutable like the river itself, constantly flowing along the path of least resistance, changing course but never relenting, finding every tiny crack and crevice to flow through, slowly and quietly eroding the earth that contains me but, always flowing to my destiny.

I have power and a need to communicate, a need to make an impact, to leave a mark upon the earth, upon my community, upon my world.  Not the impact of a meteor, not a simple round hole, no matter how big, but a line, curving and wandering, to show where I have been and the path that I have taken so that others may follow it when I am gone and find where it has led me, and continue it beyond the places I have journeyed to.

I have a purpose and the power to accomplish that purpose.  I have a path and a destiny.  I have an enduring strength that will not be controlled or contained. 

“The River she is flowing, flowing and growing, 

the River she is flowing, down to the Sea. 

Mother, carry me, your child I will always be, 

Mother, carry me, down to the Sea.”

Not All Women

I understand that many women live with pain and fear every day.  I understand and acknowledge their need and their right to share their stories and bring awareness of the inequity of their suffering to our greater society.  I have compassion for them.  But the only statement I am willing to let someone else make about me as a woman, is a statement that applies to all humans, for example, “All humans have the right to live without fear or abuse”.  (I would actually prefer that the statement refer to all persons, human and other, but that is another subject).

Many of the statements made recently about “all women”, do not apply to me.  I do not live in fear " because I am a woman". I have not suffered abuse " because I am a woman".  I am not a victim " because I am a woman".  No man in my life has caused me pain " because I am a woman". 

In fact, I know more than one wonderful man who has suffered pain and abuse and who has lived with more fear than I have ever known (and for the record at least one of them suffered at the hands of a woman).

I am very fortunate and yes, even privileged.  I am grateful for the blessing of a life that holds little to fear and certainly not abuse.  My life is not all ease and leisure but, that has nothing at all to do with my gender.  No one gets to speak for me.  And it makes me angry that anyone would presume to, especially when those statements are untrue.  I do not seek to silence those who need to tell their stories.  I simply ask that they do not presume to tell mine.  

I would suggest that we stop taking sides against each other.  I do not think it serves us as a species to perpetuate the attitudes that divide us, that cause us to see one another as the enemy.  Haven’t we learned yet that hate begets hate?  Regardless of what makes us different, hating those who are different from us, blaming any group of "others" for our own suffering, is a path that leads to horrors that we need not repeat. (Do we really want the KKK or the Nazis to be models for our social discourse?)

I was asked to voice my feelings on this subject by someone who feels he cannot enter the conversation because he is male.  It makes me angry to see another person silenced.  Stories are powerful magick. Keep telling your stories, keep talking to each other, but make room for “Yes, All People”.

Enchantment

I have loved the word Enchantment since I was a small child.  It has always invoked for me the image of making music and making magick, as if magick and music were two sides of the very same sparkling coin.

To enchant a thing, or a place, or a person, is to sing over it, to whisper to it, to tell it a secret about its own magickal nature, about its own beauty and its own power.  To sing a musical phrase of its true name and set it free to become everything it perhaps never dreamed it could be, but was always destined to be.

I seek out those places and people and objects that are enchanted so that their magick and their music might sing to me, to my mind and my heart and my soul and my body, and my spirit and my shadows.

The mission of my Tradition, of my Community, is “to Re-Enchant the World” and indeed through my Coven and my Beloveds it does so, in part by enchanting me and my life, and I in turn strive to enchant the world around me.

Enchantment is something I strive to live.  I strive to enchant the things and places and people in my life.  I strive to sing my own true name to myself and to live a life of enchantment.

Exploring the Other Side

I have started another blog to explore gender, sexuality and identity.  I welcome you to join me there if you wish.  

http://exploringthelookingglass.blogspot.com/

This blog will continue to remain on point about my spiritual journey.

Exploring sexuality is not separate from spirituality, and indeed my spiritual journey has lead me to that exploration.  

Blessings on each of you as we enter the dark of the year.

Longing for the Shadows

Pathways by Susan Seddon Boulet

I miss the shadows.  I have committed to not dwelling there, only two short visits are allowed to me until the spring.   I do not want to go back, nor is that truly possible but, I am a creature of the light and the shadow and I feel as though I have been living in exile.  I long to return to my Patron, to rest in the arms of Himself, to not have to be strong, to not have to be brave, to just be small and silent and still and unseen for a while.  I long for the comfort of being held and cared for by Him who makes me safe.  I long to go wandering in the land of shadows, to go exploring in the sparkling depths of night, when the world is sleeping and I can fly through the dark sky among the stars, silent and invisible.  I long for the time when my exile will be ended and I may choose to dwell as long as I wish in either shadow or light, when I can work in whatever place seams best to me to accomplish that which I desire.  I will not hide there again in fear but rather I would choose to rest there, to learn, to be reborn, to listen and maybe to see that which cannot be seen in the full, bright light of day.  Growth happens in the dark, so does dreaming.  I miss the dream-world of shadow.  

Making Plans

Yesterday was my birthday.  It was a beautiful day.  I spent it with Pwca in my tree-house.  I spent it organizing my possessions and my closets.  I spent it re-setting my alters.   I spent it gathering things to take to the thrift store.  I spent it evaluating my goals and visions for my future.  I spent it re-imagining my life. I spent it making plans.

In the past, those plans would present themselves as lists of things to do and accomplish over the next year and the next five years and the next ten years. This year it is not so much a list as it is a dream.  There are a few specific events I wish to attend, one or two short term goals, one or two long term goals.  But mostly it is a very sketchy outline of things I want to begin, things that I intend and hope for. 

It allows for things unknown, unexpected, beyond my control.  It assumes course corrections. It expects possibilities that I do not know.  Much like the story I am writing, I have hints in my peripheral vision but I no longer need to plot out every step of my future path.  

I hope to fall in love someday, but I have no idea about the who or the when or the how.  My intent is to be open to allowing it to happen and my hope is that I will recognize it when it does.   There is no planning for that nor, I suspect, for the most beautiful things that life can bring. 

Without some detailed plan, without the “lists”, the only thing to do is to live, to keep the vision in my mind and allow it to change and evolve as I do the work in front of me.  To live according to my intentions and to be open and ready as each lesson, as each opportunity presents itself.  To do as my heart leads me and as my soul dictates in each moment along the way and to have faith that doing so will lead to the place the gods will at the time I need to get there. 

This is a new way of looking at my future for me.  It is not so likely to result in failure either, because the dream is allowed to evolve and is expected to change, there is no expectation of perfection, but rather more room for following intuition.   I think it also allows for me to be more responsive to listening to shadow, and responding to it in a healthy manner rather than simply hiding or becoming the shadows themselves. 

So this year I will follow the ever-shifting vision instead of the “plan”.  Blessings of the Gods be upon me as I discover where it will lead me.  Blessed Be.

Freedom

Life has been good this past week, settling into a happy balance and plans for new adventures.  The transformation I have felt has had the surprising affects of new perceptions as well as changes in my internal structures and the way in which I function.  There has been a real change not only in my perspective of who I am but, a freedom that I have never experienced before.  Most notably, I have experienced an inspiration that is far greater in scope than I have ever had. 

At work this past Friday, in a moment of quiet, I wrote on a blank piece of paper the name of my Coven.

The Weavers of the Moonfire

I looked at it and saw the faces of my coven-mates.  As I continued to look at the words and admire how beautiful they are, I saw the title of a novel.  Not only that but, I saw the world in which it takes place, the characters, the plot and the vision that I want to share.

In the past I have written poetry, character sketches and short stories.  Some of which I am quite proud of.  I have tried to write longer pieces of fiction as well but, the stories have always died within the first few pages. The larger work of imagination has always eluded me, until now.

 I think that stories have to tell themselves and the writer is a conduit first, then a craftsman.  I have always been so focused on the responsibility of crafting something of value, and crafting it well, that I have not been able to let the process, the story itself, take on a life first. 

In the past, I have felt the need to constrain, analyze and construct.  In the past few days I have been able to let the secrets of the story remain hidden until they present themselves to me through the act of writing.  I can see glimpses of them in my peripheral thoughts but, I do not feel compelled to catch them and examine them in bright light under a glass in detail.  I can allow them to remain hidden until they are ready to become seen.  And I am enjoying the adventure and the discovery immensely.

It is the difference between wandering in the woods or sitting alone in the windowless silent room in the second grade doing multiplication, because my teacher felt that I was distracted,   (she didn’t understand that I could daydream anywhere and that quiet, gray prison created a stronger need to do so than the classroom…she meant well but, an abacus would have been more helpful).

I am enjoying the feeling of living without chains, or cages, or locked doors.  I am enjoying the freedom of life without constrains.