For the past six months or so one of my specific and stated
intentions has been to unlock the boxes within myself, to discover what lies
within them, and to master whatever I might find there.
The boxes and my intention to unlock them are not
constantly in my waking consciousness.
Sometimes I forget for moments or days at a time, I become distracted by
daily life, by the normal everyday of living.
And then something draws my attention back to the boxes and I am
reminded that even when I am not paying attention, even when I am not actively
pursuing this intent, words said in sacred space have power and the magick is
continuing.
My Patron has been insistent that this is necessary if I am
to take on the responsibility of completing my third degree initiation. That it is required in order to find and use
my power. That it is non-negotiable if I
am to truly know myself. I am not arguing this point but, it has been difficult
and painful.
I have been on a journey of self-discovery regarding my own
identity, specifically my sexual identity.
This has resulted in many of the boxes being unlocked and the shamanic
healing that I sought has also had a similar effect. The result has been
particularly extreme in this past week.
I have been dreaming and remembering and it has robbed me
of sleep and of peace in my waking life.
The lack of sleep and the images and emotions in my dreams have robbed
me of my ability to shut down my emotions and of my shields against feeling too
much. I have even resorted to old
behaviors out of desperation in an attempt to escape the return of feelings and
thoughts that I have not had in decades.
Old ways of thinking have reared their heads. The argument that it would be safer not to
love, that it would be easier to remain strong and cold and hard, that
allowing my heart to feel again is a mistake.
There is a very strong urging to walk away from anyone who threatens to
touch me, to make me feel. That trusting
anyone who could abandon me, or take something from me, is a foolish risk not to
be considered. The desire to hurt those
I do love in order to drive them away from me is incredibly intense as well.
My heart feels like it has been frozen and the thaw and
return of feeling are as painful as frostbitten limbs being flushed with blood
again. It has also been violent in its
awakening. And the fact that others have
witnessed my convulsions has been humiliating.
The pain in my heart remains and I do not know for certain
that it will ever really go away now.
Perhaps this is what it feels like to be alive. I do not really know but, I will not abandon
my intent. I will do whatever is
necessary to live, and to love, and to feel.
I will not turn back, no matter what may come. So Mote It Be.
The habit of driving away those who love us is an old one. Most people who do it acquired the habit in young childhood, often when a parent or grandparent seemed to abandon us. Others learned it in youthful infatuation or young adulthood, when a beloved failed to live up to the promise we thought we saw. Or when, at any age, one we had long trusted abused that trust, violating our boundaries without our consent (though we might have felt we had to grant permission).
ReplyDeleteThis habit can be released; this ancient, devastating hurt can heal. Sometimes it helps to give the Inner Young One a teddy bear to hold, or a long strong hug to stand in, while the Adult Present-Day self offers reassurance.
Because no matter what happened back then, you are more able to see clearly now than you were, and more able to care for yourself, and more able to trust fully and recover from the occasional errors that brings.
It is a joyful ache to watch from this distance as you walk this part of the journey; or perhaps it is an aching joy. You are so beloved.