Grief and Conflict

We are humans, all of us.  Regardless of our spiritual paths or our religious beliefs, we are not immune to the truth that death is a part of our experience.  We will all lose people we love and we will all have to work through our grief over those losses.  None of us get a pass on this in life.  

Seventeen days ago, my younger brother died unexpectedly and suddenly.  We have shared more than one lifetime together, as well as our bloodline.  I loved Him and we had conflict between us, and we stopped working on our relationship about two decades ago.   

Sometimes we will lose someone we love without warning, with no time to prepare or to say our farewells.  And as is the nature of relationships, either family or lovers or friends, sometimes that loss will be of one with whom we have conflict.  Love and conflict are more often companions than mutually exclusive conditions.  For conflict with one we do not love is often reason enough to walk away from another person but, we will persist in spite of conflict if we love another.  And so, grief is often complicated by unresolved conflict with the one we loved and lost. 

We each grieve in our own way, and in our own time.  For me it is a delayed experience.  For the first two weeks, my perception of reality was surreal, often blurry and out of proportion.  Then life became normal again and my grief began to visit me at night.  When all is quiet and my mind can identify what my heart and soul are actually grieving and, my heart and soul can feel that grief, it is the conflict that I feel, and the pain of that conflict and the anger that it exists. 

Another conflict that accompanies grief is that in moments of unexpected emotional crisis, old habits of behavior, old patterns of relating within the family, reassert themselves.  Conscious effort is required to recognize these habits and patterns and to re-establish newer skills and ways of being.  It challenges my sense of self, and forces me to reexamine my relationships with those whom I love who remain.

I have work to do.  Including the work of reaching out to Him whom I have lost to assist in what way I can, and to ask Him to work with me to make some peace between us before the next life we share.  May our Ancestors and my Gods and Allies bless us and assist us in this work.  Blessed be. 

Despair is the enemy of change...

This past week has been a difficult one for many, including me.  First there was the shock of the shooting itself.  Then came the grief and anger and fear, the frustration and desire for retribution, and the insult of erasure.  

   

The sheer stupidity and incredible ignorance of the public discourse was almost unbearable if you even bothered to listen, which truth be told, I did not. Because I knew it would be dreadful and I refused to subject myself to it.  But I am aware of the effect it had on those I love.

I do not advocate willful ignorance.  Hiding one’s head in the sand is not a practical solution to the ills of our world but, I can spend five minutes a day in research to discover the facts of what happened and to get confirmation that the reactions of the ignorant and hateful factions of our society are indeed what I had suspected they would be.  I refuse to spend the precious substance of my life, my time, exposing my soul to the wasteful and damaging effects of hate-speech.

I am angry that someone massacred forty-nine people.  Forty-nine of my fellow humans died for no other reason than the hate of another damaged human.  I am angry that those who have a voice are ignoring the fact that those who died were members of a community that has historically been targeted for violence and that has not been protected by those who are entrusted with the defense of the people.

I have loved ones who have been a part of that community for decades.  I too identify as a member of that community, I identify as Queer, although I am not seen as such by almost anyone.  I am angry at the erasure of identity being practiced by those with a public voice in the discourse surrounding this tragedy. 

But the worst thing of all to me is the despair I witness in the hearts and souls of those whom I love.  Two beloveds in particular have spoken words of despair this week, one young and straight, the other gay and middle-aged.  Despair does not discriminate.

Despair is the enemy, make no mistake.  It is normal and natural and completely understandable and I do not ridicule my beloveds, for their despair is a familiar shadow.  But Hope is needed and Faith is necessary.  We cannot affect change, and we need change, if we hold no Hope.  Despair robs us of our will, our energy, our purpose and our joy.

I know the world is a dangerous place.  I know that much of our society is ignorant and operating from a place of fear and hatred.  I know that much of our human race is ill and damaged.  But I believe that we are not beyond Healing, that we are not beyond Hope.

I have Faith that the majority of the human race is not represented by the voices shouting hatred at the top of their lungs.  Indeed those voices are so loud that they all but drown out the voices of our higher angels with their “Sound and Fury”.  But they are indeed idiots and their words signify nothing.  I have Faith that we can continue to affect change, and healing and the positive evolution of our species and our society if we keep working, struggling, fighting, believing.  I believe that we can indeed re-enchant the world so long as we do not give up Hope.

I am not delusional, although I may be stubborn.  And if the world chooses to see me as simple or sentimental because I choose Hope and Faith, so be it but, I will not despair, for despair is the enemy of change and I am a champion of Hope.  

Hephzibah House Remembered...

I unlocked the dusty cobweb covered box and opened it wide, and found…empathy.

I also found memories of a place that I visited once about twenty-seven years ago.  The visual and olfactory memory of a place where girls, who have committed no crime other than to be born into families where their spirits are abhorred, are held in captivity and no one has yet been able to free them.  My heart becomes filled with rage when I think of them.  I have remembered them off and on over the past years.  But, as is often the case when our life is not directly impacted, I put it aside because, after all, it is not mine.  But if it is not mine then, Whose is it?  Are they not my daughters, sisters, granddaughters?  Do they not belong to the God and the Goddess simply because they exist? 

They belong to me because, I remember them. 

It matters not that they and their families live within a culture of fear.  They are not lost.  They are not forgotten.  I call upon Kali to see them, to hear the unvoiced cries they dare not make  even within their own minds, hearts and souls. I call upon every Goddess and God with whom I have relationship. I call upon every daughter and son of the Goddess and the God.

My patroness Arianrhod is a Goddess of Sovereignty and she has given me a fire in my heart to act against this prison, in whatever way I can, to bring freedom to these, her daughters.  I will work every day until Hephzibah House is no more. 

“Do not turn away. Do not turn your hearts to stone.  Swing wide the doors of the prison-house and let in the bright light of day.  Let the truth be spoken aloud so that it cannot be ignored, let their pain be felt so that it cannot be forgotten, let not the children be kept unseen.  Do not let them remain invisible.  Shed tears for them, weep openly.  Do not let their spirits be murdered in silence.  Tear down the walls and break their chains.  Do not rest until this house and its jailers have been razed to the ground and turned to dust and ash.”

If you find within your heart a desire to work to free these girls, light a candle to whichever Goddess or God that you worship, and make prayers for the freedom of these children.  Leave a comment below if you wish.  Blessed be.

To the Survivors of Hephzibah House, may you find healing with your God or mine, may your stories be heard, may your efforts be victorious, may your lives be blessed, and may your spirits find joy and know their true worth.  Your strength and your courage inspire me.  Blessed be.

http://hephzibah-girls.blogspot.com/

on Releasing Power

Magick requires that all of our parts agree with our intent to use power.  But it also requires that our will is fully engaged.  The will to build power, the will to hold power and ultimately the will to release power, focused and with force towards our intent.

My mind might agree that a certain change is desirable.  My body might be able to participate in the magick and even to do the physical work that is necessary to accomplish that change.  My soul may agree that the change I seek is within its sense of purpose and integrity.  My spirit may see the benefit to my evolution and to the world.

But without my heart being moved beyond simple desire, to feel that it MUST be, the power will never be released with enough focus and intent to accomplish what I hope.

I have finally discovered what engages my will.  And this is the discovery that I have made, that my will is engaged by my Warrior’s Heart and that Heart is the Heart of the Mother. 

I believe that all of the worlds and every species (Human and Fae and all of the others) must be whole and well in order for the Universe to thrive, but species are made up of individuals.  The continued existence of individuals is essential to the evolution of each species. I have an uncompromising commitment to the sovereignty of the individual’s will as well as personal freedom, integrity and honor.  

Most of my work has been finding balance between light and darkness, between order and chaos, because both honor and freedom are required for integrity.

I have a strong need for autonomy, independence as well as for nurturing and caring for others.  I have compassion.  I value relationships. I value Life.  I value freedom. I value chaos.  I value TRUTH above all else.

The things that I hold sacred, that I value most, those are the things that engage my will.  Those situations that harm my loved ones, that raise my anger, that raise my fire, that move me, those are the keys to my power.  My greatest power is engaged by my greatest anger.

That is not to say that I must protect my loved ones from all of the pain life might bring to them.  To be honest, I do not believe that to be an ethical action.  I believe that the pain we experience teaches us and helps us to grow and evolve; and to keep our loved ones safe from that is to cheat them of life itself.

But to see my beloveds HARMED…that is another matter.  To see injustice done, enrages my Mother’s Heart and invokes the Warrior within me.  That is when Power will be released.

That is when I am at my most powerful.  When my Heart is filled to bursting.  

Invocation to The Dark Father

Recently my Patron had given me a vision of magick that he wished for me to cast.  I could not cast this spell indoors, it had to be done naked, in a wild place, under a sky filled with stars and a bright moon.  I could not cast it on my knees, or in supplication in any way.  He insisted that I stand and demand the magick.  I believe this was a lesson from Him, meant to teach me about my power and my strength.  Tomorrow is the second anniversary of this blog, I thought I would share this with you.  Thank you for walking with me on my journey.  

  

 Dark Father, My God of Long Night, Hear me!

 King of the Otherworld, My Lord of Storms, Hear me!

Wild Leader of the Hunt, God of the Whirlwind Hear me!

Heed my Call and Hear my Voice!

Arise my Glorious God and Harken to your Creature!

My Strong Father, My Lord of Raging Storms!  

Hear me now!

I am Your Daughter, Your Priestess, Your Witch!

Arise from your Throne in Annwfn!  

Heed the Call of Your Own!

My Wrath rises up within me!

My Anger burns and fills me with Flame,

With Heat that pours from my body 

in waves of Bright Power,

With Flames that Destroy all but my Will,

With Fire that Consumes and never wanes!

It Rises up within me until I am Fire Itself,

until I am Thy Burning Blade,

and naught can stand against Your Dragon Sword!

Arise my Dark Father and Heed Thy Warrior’s Will!

Under a Sacrifice Moon You Granted me Vision,

In the heat of the flames, You Gifted me Truth,

My Sacrifices have bought my Strength and Freedom,

Your Gifts have Sparked my Power, as You Desired,

I am Your Burning Flame!  I am Your Creature,

Hear my Call and Heed my Voice!

I am Your Creature, Your Daughter, Your Own! 

With Your Gifts and Your Visions in my Sight,

With Your Wild Spirit in my Soul,

With Your Burning Blade in my Heart,

And with all the Power and Strength 

that You demanded I find,

I claim the Desire You have placed within my Heart!

I am Your Creature, Your Daughter, Your Own!

Heed my Call and Hear my Words!

For they come from Your Own Heart!

By Moon and Stars and Fire and Night 

and Wild Magick!  So Mote It Be!

Retrieving pieces of the Soul

Playing with the North Wind by Susan Sedon Boulet

Yesterday I drove to Maryland to see a beautiful young woman who works as a Shaman.  She is also a trained psychologist but, it is her relationships with the Spirits and her skills as a healer that were the impetus for my making the two and a half hour drive after working for five hours at the end of a long week.  The resulting ritual was well worth the drive and more.

We had discussed my reasons for seeing her when we made the appointment, but when I arrived we talked about the things that I have done and learned since our last conversation.  When we went to her ritual room, I was immediately comfortable.  She explained her process and invited me to lie on the floor on a deer skin she had laid out for that purpose (deer are facilitators of transformation and it is an old practice).

 Then she began to call the Quarters and the Elements and the Earth Mother and the Ancestors and the Fae and the Spirits of place, and the Deities with whom she works.  Her voice singing clear and bright, they answered and came to the place to assist her in my healing.

She merged with Bear and began working at the place of my ancestors.  Her rattle moving in a rhythm that spoke to me on a level that I have rarely attained in the company of another person.  She asked me about the Large Black Cat at my feet and I told her that Pwca has been known to travel to me when there is something he wishes to participate in.

She described a Grandfather whom I have not met but, who was familiar and comfortable to me.  She used her drum to follow him deeper into Annwfn and He led her through tunnels (my ancestors were coal-miners) to find a piece of me that had been separated (compassion) and she returned it to me by blowing it into my heart and my head.  She then placed a large piece of black tourmaline at my feet. I find it interesting that the grief I feel over the loss of my children during their childhood is shared with my ancestors.

She then began to work on my root charkha discovering and removing the barbed wire that was wrapped around it and placing two pieces of red jasper on either side of my hips. 

She re-connected the three separate lights that are my sacral charkha and placed a large piece of polished carnelian over my womb. 

The message I received from her after working on my solar plexus is that it is strong when used to support me or to push me forward to do my work but, that I have kept it trapped rather than expressing it into the world.  There she placed a piece of bright yellow, sparkling sulfur.

When she began to work on my heart, my Patron came to sit beside me facing her with my heart between them.  She carefully examined the boxes she found there.  Some so old and untouched that they are locked and dusty and covered in spiders webs.  Gwynn would have had her break into each one (He can be a bit demanding at times) but, she knew that it needs to be done gently and not all at once.  This is work I need to do.  So she placed a smooth, oval, red and green stone over it after letting in as much sunlight as she could.

After the work on my heart I began to feel cold and my body began to convulse occasionally.  She made no comment to indicate that was concerning to her and so I did not feel a need to close down.  I wept occasionally as we discussed the damage and the work I need to do, and again, she seemed unconcerned and so I allowed it to happen as it would.  My ears began to hear a rushing sound and my body felt buzzing and I felt dizzy.  All of these are signs to me that energy is moving and healing is occurring in a profound way.

When she worked on my throat, she found “bobby-pins” at the back of my neck.  She thought she had used the wrong word but, I know she did not as those are things I associate with my mother and her desire that I be a “good girl” never “TOO LOUD or TOO BIG”.  She removed them and placed a piece of celestite beside my throat. 

After she worked on my third eye, we discussed some ways I might find useful in opening it when it is being stubborn, then she brushed me with her owl’s wing and removed the energy binding my entire spine. 

When we began to work on my crown she called to her Deities, some of whom I work with as well and invited me to use all of my names and call to my Gods and Allies.

Athena came to her and offered Her approval and Her assistance in finding wisdom when I am angry, to know how to use it and how not to misuse it, as that was one of the reasons I sought this healing.  She blew into my heart and my head again and filled me with “millions of golden skeleton keys”.  

One of the final lessons from this work is my need to establish strong boundaries and a stronger sense of self so that, when I shape-shift to meet the needs of those I serve, or to "get the work done" I can remember to return to who I am and not lose that to "what I can do, or what I can be".  I need not lose myself to my own talents.  

When the ritual was done, she offered her thanks and closed the gates that she had opened.

We visited for a while as I ate a little and drank before making the drive home.  It was a quiet and easy drive in the dark and when I arrived home Pwca cuddled beside me and I slept better than I have in months.

I give thanks for Pwca, for Gwynn ap Nudd, for Athena, for Bear and most especially for Monika Lonely Coyote.  

Quickening

There is a moment during pregnancy when the child inside the womb quickens.  When it stirs within and the mother can feel that the being inside is not only alive but a separate being from herself, a new and different creature.  I remember the moments when each of my children moved within me.  I remember the moments when they became real to me and not just ideas and faces I saw in my dreams.  The remnants of my past lives feel a bit like that to me, like separate beings but, alive and part of me. 

The Queen of the Abyss has been healed and I have come face to face with Another that was hiding behind her.  I understand that the Sorrow was meant to teach me compassion, and I believe that it has.  I continue to nurture that compassion by working with a Goddess of Compassion, by establishing a new relationship with White Tara, a Goddess with seven eyes; Who sees, offers protection, and blessings. 

But the real work ahead is to reconcile the immense Rage I hold within me.  I do believe that some of that Rage is a remnant of past lives. But some of it belongs to this life, and all of it belongs to me, all of it is mine to claim and to reconcile.  And the time has come to do just that.

You might ask “Why?”  Why not simply nurture compassion?  Why ever let the Rage out at all?

It has taken a great deal of my power to keep it hidden and contained for most of my life, power that I was meant to use for living.  In those moments when my guard was down and it has escaped, it has been destructive and out of control, hurting me and those around me.  And suppressed rage, unexpressed anger, is one of the most insidious causes of clinical depression, which I have battled for most of my life.

My Gods, my Ancestors and my Allies have been pushing me to open this place, to find what is hidden beneath and I have.  They will not let me rest until I have learned how to express the anger and how to do so safely.  If I am to serve my Community and my Coven, my Gods and my Ancestors, I cannot have a nuclear bomb hiding inside me waiting to explode and destroy those for whom I am responsible.

I have always been afraid of my power for fear that using it would result in “everyone ending up dead and bloody”.  I realize now that is because I associate my power with my rage.  I can learn to heal it, express it and control it without simply locking it away inside my body like some rotting corpse in a tomb.

So the Rage has quickened and I must as well if I am to learn to do this work.  May I do so with compassion and power, honor and grace, courage and conviction.  So Mote it Be.