Retrieving pieces of the Soul

Playing with the North Wind by Susan Sedon Boulet

Yesterday I drove to Maryland to see a beautiful young woman who works as a Shaman.  She is also a trained psychologist but, it is her relationships with the Spirits and her skills as a healer that were the impetus for my making the two and a half hour drive after working for five hours at the end of a long week.  The resulting ritual was well worth the drive and more.

We had discussed my reasons for seeing her when we made the appointment, but when I arrived we talked about the things that I have done and learned since our last conversation.  When we went to her ritual room, I was immediately comfortable.  She explained her process and invited me to lie on the floor on a deer skin she had laid out for that purpose (deer are facilitators of transformation and it is an old practice).

 Then she began to call the Quarters and the Elements and the Earth Mother and the Ancestors and the Fae and the Spirits of place, and the Deities with whom she works.  Her voice singing clear and bright, they answered and came to the place to assist her in my healing.

She merged with Bear and began working at the place of my ancestors.  Her rattle moving in a rhythm that spoke to me on a level that I have rarely attained in the company of another person.  She asked me about the Large Black Cat at my feet and I told her that Pwca has been known to travel to me when there is something he wishes to participate in.

She described a Grandfather whom I have not met but, who was familiar and comfortable to me.  She used her drum to follow him deeper into Annwfn and He led her through tunnels (my ancestors were coal-miners) to find a piece of me that had been separated (compassion) and she returned it to me by blowing it into my heart and my head.  She then placed a large piece of black tourmaline at my feet. I find it interesting that the grief I feel over the loss of my children during their childhood is shared with my ancestors.

She then began to work on my root charkha discovering and removing the barbed wire that was wrapped around it and placing two pieces of red jasper on either side of my hips. 

She re-connected the three separate lights that are my sacral charkha and placed a large piece of polished carnelian over my womb. 

The message I received from her after working on my solar plexus is that it is strong when used to support me or to push me forward to do my work but, that I have kept it trapped rather than expressing it into the world.  There she placed a piece of bright yellow, sparkling sulfur.

When she began to work on my heart, my Patron came to sit beside me facing her with my heart between them.  She carefully examined the boxes she found there.  Some so old and untouched that they are locked and dusty and covered in spiders webs.  Gwynn would have had her break into each one (He can be a bit demanding at times) but, she knew that it needs to be done gently and not all at once.  This is work I need to do.  So she placed a smooth, oval, red and green stone over it after letting in as much sunlight as she could.

After the work on my heart I began to feel cold and my body began to convulse occasionally.  She made no comment to indicate that was concerning to her and so I did not feel a need to close down.  I wept occasionally as we discussed the damage and the work I need to do, and again, she seemed unconcerned and so I allowed it to happen as it would.  My ears began to hear a rushing sound and my body felt buzzing and I felt dizzy.  All of these are signs to me that energy is moving and healing is occurring in a profound way.

When she worked on my throat, she found “bobby-pins” at the back of my neck.  She thought she had used the wrong word but, I know she did not as those are things I associate with my mother and her desire that I be a “good girl” never “TOO LOUD or TOO BIG”.  She removed them and placed a piece of celestite beside my throat. 

After she worked on my third eye, we discussed some ways I might find useful in opening it when it is being stubborn, then she brushed me with her owl’s wing and removed the energy binding my entire spine. 

When we began to work on my crown she called to her Deities, some of whom I work with as well and invited me to use all of my names and call to my Gods and Allies.

Athena came to her and offered Her approval and Her assistance in finding wisdom when I am angry, to know how to use it and how not to misuse it, as that was one of the reasons I sought this healing.  She blew into my heart and my head again and filled me with “millions of golden skeleton keys”.  

One of the final lessons from this work is my need to establish strong boundaries and a stronger sense of self so that, when I shape-shift to meet the needs of those I serve, or to "get the work done" I can remember to return to who I am and not lose that to "what I can do, or what I can be".  I need not lose myself to my own talents.  

When the ritual was done, she offered her thanks and closed the gates that she had opened.

We visited for a while as I ate a little and drank before making the drive home.  It was a quiet and easy drive in the dark and when I arrived home Pwca cuddled beside me and I slept better than I have in months.

I give thanks for Pwca, for Gwynn ap Nudd, for Athena, for Bear and most especially for Monika Lonely Coyote.  

Re-awakening

When I finally came to this path, or returned to it, and I do believe that this was always the path I was meant to follow, I was almost dead.  I think that is why I finally found the path.  I needed to, without it I was done for this life.

I had silenced and shadowed and suppressed every natural and wild instinct I had, every magickal impulse, every source or expression of power, every hope my heart and soul and mind and body and spirit had ever had of living.

I can finally see now, that through all of it, I kept trying.  I kept reaching and pushing and scratching and clawing, I kept trying through my childhood, through my adolescence, through my years of wandering the wasteland.  Then, I found a book, and in that book I found a glimpse of what my path should be, what my life could be, and I finally began to let myself live.

It has taken another twenty-one years to fully emerge from that half-life of sleepwalking.  Over that time I have slowly and painfully re-awakened much of myself.  Each of the parts of myself had to be remembered and revived.  Each of my chakras has had to be unlocked and brought out of a state of near-death.  I feel as though I am finally ready to begin. 

In attempting to see my whole self these past few weeks, I have discovered that the last part of me to awaken may be the most important, the most vital, the key to my strength and power. My sacral chakra is the one part of me that I have only recently begun to allow free expression and it is the place in my body that I most identify as myself, as “home”.

From my earliest memories, that part of me has never stopped striving to express itself, not to the world, but to myself.  In allowing my source uncensored freedom to express and explore and experience, I have discovered that life has more depth, more vibrancy, more energy, more color and sound.  Every sense I have, including my psychic senses, as well as my “sense of self” has been heightened.  I have more energy to engage with others, with my work, with my life, with my writing and with my magick.

Each of my chakras, each of my parts, must be healthy and whole, free to express and experience life, to do the work of living.  I cannot allow any of them to be silenced or shadowed if I am to complete my work. If I am to live the life I am meant to live.  I give thanks for dear friends who have helped me to awaken and become more fully alive.  Blessed be.

magick on myself...overcoming social anxiety

In the past few weeks I have had opportunities to engage with people that I had not previously met.  One was social and another was professional. 

I am an extremely introverted person.  While many people would consider opportunities like these to be exciting and something to seek out and to look forward to with anticipation, I typically feel quite the opposite.  I will generally avoid these types of situations if I can, and I feel a great deal of anxiety about them if I cannot.

To be honest, I feel at least some level of anxiety about even being with people that I know and love and enjoy, be they family, friends or community.  I find that being with others requires a good deal of energy from me and often I simply do not have enough energy stores to engage in the way that I would choose to, to be warm and friendly and authentic all at the same time. 

It isn’t that I do not like people; I do, very much in fact but, engaging in the way I would like to isn’t necessarily easy.  Most of the time I prefer to share in community and family through observation rather than interaction.  

But, if I am to fulfill my purpose, I cannot simply observe the world, or my community, or my family.  For example, my granddaughter will never remember me if I never engage with her, if I only ever watch her.  No matter how much joy I gain from doing so, I can experience more joy by engaging with her actively.

I cannot make an impact on others unless I engage with them.  I cannot always remain safely at home and communicate through the written word alone.  Nor do I desire to.  I want to engage with others, I want to love my family and my friends, and I want to serve my Gods and my community, I want to re-enchant my world. 

My purpose is to leave the world changed by my having lived this life, to communicate who I am and where I have been and how I have traveled while I walked this path.  I cannot accomplish this in solitude or isolation.  I do not wish to. Truth be told, I do not learn as much or grow as much as I do with the catalyst of interaction with others and I cannot serve anyone if I am not willing to engage with them. 

On a practical level, I need to work to support myself and that means having a job out there in the world.  In fact, seeking a job that better supports my life and my true work, my magick, was the reason for one of the opportunities I mentioned at the beginning of this post.

I am pleased to say that I successfully navigated both of the opportunities in question.  I had a second interview which went equally well and I am hopeful of receiving an offer soon.  As for the social, I was warm and charming and engaged and I learned a good deal.  I may even attend again soon. 

As witches, we often use magick to assist us in our everyday lives.  Occasionally I will cast spells of operative magick but, rarely have I cast a spell upon myself and I have never before used my magick in the way that I did in these recent situations.  

I enchanted my jewelry for protection and clarity of hearing, and I energized my solar plexus, my voice, and my third eye, to project warmth and strength, to communicate clearly and authentically and, to perceive others as they truly are. 

I also invoked the protection and power of my Beloved Patron.  The magick was successful in accomplishing what I had intended but, it did more than that.  It taught me about my self, and who I am in the light. 

I gained greater perspective on just who I am in my power and in my strength.

on Crones, Connection, Chakras, Cauldrons, the Cosmos and the Conjure Dance

The following are some of the experiences I had at the Sacred Space Conference this past weekend.  Each of them was lead by a Woman who identifies as a Crone.  Each of these women are respected, admired and esteemed by their Community and each has had a part in teaching me how to walk into my future and how to connect with others.  I give thanks for them and for the lessons and visions they bestowed upon me.

Chakras

Diving into the earth, into the depths beneath me, I find the place the Mystic Woman is speaking of, the Ancestral chakra, the place where we all connect to all that is and has ever been.  I know this place, I have touched it before. It is the source of the golden, glowing honey that feeds my soul, my cauldron of warming. It rises at my bidding, into my root, into my womb, into my center to warm me, to open me, to give me strength and power to seek the visions I need.  It continues to rise into my heart, my voice, my eye, my crown.  It fills my being until I am fully open, fully engaged, fully alive.

Cauldrons

The Witch is child-like in her joy and enthusiasm.  She reminds me of a pre-school teacher encouraging us to play, to seek adventure, and praising us for our beauty as we dance together.  Her silver curls bounce about her shoulders as she in turn bounces on the balls of her feet, so full of her joy at sharing this dance that she loves.  She leads us to the Cauldron and to the woman stirring and we look and see what the brew with reveal, then to another and yet another vision.  Visions of what we were, and who we are, and where we are going.  Visions of our place in our own lives, and of our place in our community.

The Cosmos

I step through the dark veil and into the Temple. It is dark inside like the night sky and the smoke of incense greets me. I touch the blessed water and the shift begins.  The candles all around remind me of stars and I breathe deeply to make myself ready.  The Priestess is robed in night and crowned with stars.  She casts the circle, opening the gates and connecting them to the Chrystal at the center.  She calls to the Consort and then to the Goddess and opens the Star-gate.  She leads us and carries us with her singing of spells, with her magick and her songs she carries us upward and into the stellar realm, up among the stars we dance and sing along with her.  We each approach the gate in turn and are granted a vision of our place in the cosmos.  The visions are captured in the small crystals we take into our hands and then again we approach for there is more to know.  Then the Priestess comes to stand before each of us and one by one she grants us a gift, or names it, I am not sure which. And then we are again dancing and singing to the Goddess of the cosmos, dancing and singing among the stars that made us, until it is time to return.  The Priestess returns us gently back to our places within the Temple.  We thank the Goddess and her Consort and the Priestess closes the gates and the circle.  It is done.

The Conjure Dance

We are dressed in white, waiting to enter the place where the Dance will happen.  When we do, the first thing I notice is the tables around the room that are set with images of Deities from every place that humans live upon the planet.  There are tables also of food and drink and trinkets. And at one end of the room rows of chairs sit empty and waiting.  Everyone files past the tables as we enter and I make note in my mind of the places set for the Gods with whom I have relationships.  Announcements are made and finally the chairs are filled with drummers and the Shaman begins to sing. 

Her rattle sets a rhythm that settles into my mind and relaxes my body and her voice calls to the spirits and draws them to this space.  I know when she is done that I am as open as I will get this night and it is not enough to allow anyone in.  But I am relaxed and aware of the magick and I am here to honor my Gods and to experience the Dance and that will be enough.  When the Shaman is finished the Drums begin and the younger woman begins to sing with a cadence that is unfamiliar but intriguing.  I dance within the limits of a relaxed body but fully present mind and take up offerings and place them with prayers at the places set for my Gods. 

The drumming and the chanting of the younger woman are engaging and I enjoy watching those who are more able to be open move with the freedom provided by the trance.  My High-Priestess and sister is one of those dancing and when I make eye contact with her I can see that she is not completely present.  This is when I understand why I am here.  I am here to watch over her while she dances with the spirits. 

Our Elder and another High-Priestess whom we both trust and admire respond to my need for reassurance that she is safe.  I need not interfere.  She needs to do this work and she is strong enough to do it without danger to herself and so, I simply watch over her.  Our Elder and the High-Priestess as well as one of the Guardians from our Tradition remain close by and within my clear line of sight should I panic and need them to step in but they understand that She is precious to me they know that I need to stay close to her and to care for her. 

I am present should she need me and they are close should I need them.  And for both of those things, I give thanks.  After, the High-Priestess sits with my sister to be sure she is well and so that I can relax enough to leave her side and get a breath of air before I escort her to our room and she is safely in her bed for the night.

Each of these experiences has taught me something of who I am and of the work that I am here to do.  The Dance in particular reminded me that while my High-Priestess takes care of me in many ways, I need to care for her at times (regardless of whether she needs me to or not).Caring for others is a role that I take joy in but that I also need to fulfill in order to fulfill my purpose.