In Perfect Love and Perfect Trust

As we enter into ritual space as a Coven, each of us says aloud, “I enter this Circle in Perfect Love and Perfect Trust”. 

 At a Ritual a few months ago, I was asked by one of our guests why we say those words.   He was concerned that, if it was a requirement of entering Ritual with the Coven, he was not capable of meeting such a standard. 

 I reassured him that it was not a requirement, but rather an intention, an ideal to which we aspire, and that none of us are perfect in our practice of that ideal.  

If we cannot achieve such perfection, why would we use those words?  Because words have power, and stating our ideals, our intentions, helps us to remember our common goal, our aspirations, and our commitment to each other to continue to “practice” Perfect Love and Perfect Trust with each other, and with ourselves. 

While none of us can achieve Perfect Love and Perfect Trust all the time, there is magick in ritual, when we can reach beyond our limitations, and achieve for a moment, something beyond our own abilities.  Each time we reach beyond ourselves and achieve, if only for a moment, a glimpse of our ideal, we expand our own capacity for the practice of that to which we aspire.  We “practice” Perfect Love and Perfect Trust.  It is not just a quaint twist of language but a Truth that we “practice”.

We, as a Coven, have committed to “practicing” Perfect Love and Perfect Trust with each other.  It is an ideal that we have explored as a group and as individuals.  We have shared with each other what that ideal looks like, and discussed how we manifest that ideal, with Coven, with Community, with our loved ones and with ourselves.  We have all grown and learned and expanded our understanding of what those words mean, and how to put such ideals into practice in ritual and in our lives.

There is inherent risk in such work.  Just as we cannot achieve perfection in our practice, we are also, in our humanity, not ascended beings. We all have secrets; we all have shadows.  We will each, at some time or another, let another down in some way and we will all be let down by someone we love and trust.  This is a truth of human experience, Family, Friends, Lovers, Coven and Community.  So, what does it mean to practice “Perfect Love and Perfect Trust” in the light of such Truth?  Or do we give up such a lofty ideal in the attempt to avoid the pain that results from the inevitable?

It is my belief that the bonds of emotional intimacy that are forged by such work, and the vulnerability that is inherent in those bonds, hold the potential for greater magick and transformation. The opportunity to learn and to practice forgiveness, resilience, strength, courage, knowledge, wisdom and power with ourselves and with one-another is worth the risks of personal pain, from someone we love failing us, and from us failing someone we love.

Love is worth the risk of failure, and the risk of pain.  Love is worth vulnerability.  Love is great Magick.  Love is the Magick that can re-enchant the world. Love is the magick that can heal our world and ourselves. Perfect Love and Perfect Trust are ideals worth aspiring to and worth practicing.

May you be blessed with both.  Blessed Be!

sometimes I feel small...

I am the High Priestess of the Weavers of the Moonfire.  I have worked for years to earn the privilege to serve this coven, this family that I love.  I am blessed and honored to guide and nurture these amazing witches, as they seek knowledge, of themselves, of their path, of their own power and magick.  I find immense joy in fulfilling my purpose in guiding my beloveds as they seek to heal themselves, transform themselves into stronger, happier people. 

I have worked hard for years to know how big I truly am, big enough to do this, bigger than I was taught I should be.  And I am, big enough.  But sometimes I feel small.

There are days when I feel low, weary, anxious.  There are days when I do not feel big enough to do the work I love.  That does not mean that I am NOT big enough, that only means that sometimes I do not FEEL big enough.  

When I feel small, I can pretend that everything is fine but, that tends to give the smallness more power.  Last week I told my lover that I was feeling small.  He heard me, understood me, and reassured me that I would be big enough when I needed to be.  The smallness passed, as such feelings will, but I am grateful for the way he holds space for me to feel however I feel in any given moment.

We do not have to be big always.  We do not have to be strong every moment. We can allow ourselves to be human, small, weak, afraid even.  We can be sad, or wild, or angry, or mean.  We can feel petty and over-sensitive and churlish and childish and selfish.  (We do not have to indulge in behavior that hurts others just because we feel these things).  We do not need to be perfect. And when we are feeling small, we can ask for those we love to hear us, and hold space for us, and be patient with us until we are able to return to our better selves.  (And if some of that leaks into our behavior, we can ask for forgiveness.)

It is helpful to remember that I am a guide, and that those I care for need me to walk the path that they will walk but, they will walk it for themselves.  I do not need to be any bigger than is needed to hold the torch so they can see the path before them.  And even when I feel small, I am big enough.  Blessed Be.

Our Patriarch

The Patriarch of my family is my Older Brother.  I am not sure when that happened exactly.  Perhaps when our younger brother died suddenly this past summer but, I think it happened long before that. 

He has always been the one who makes everything alright for everyone, no matter what happens.  That is not to say our father hasn’t always been a strong and loving provider.  Or that our grandfathers were not kind and loving men.  Or that the women in our family are not strong, intelligent, powerful women.  All of these things are true.  But somewhere along the way, my older brother became the central pillar that holds up the hall of our House.  He is the Cornerstone of our foundation, the Oak that gives us shelter and security and rest when we are weary.  He is the peace-bringer we look to and the example we aspire to.  He is always there.

And now, when our grandparents are passed and our parents are aging, and the children are becoming adults, and raising little ones of their own (well one at least) the presence of this strong and easy-going man, has become essential to the well-being of our family.

He is the one who spends time with our father, and our mother.  He is the one who steps in to provide love and support our brother’s daughters, he and his love, his wife of 32 years, provide the home and hearth for our aunts, uncles and cousins, and their children and grandchildren to gather, so that our extended family can come together and remember that we are a tribe. There is no judgement, everyone is welcome, everyone is family, and family is everything.

Knowing that he will be there when we are old, when our parents pass, when the girls marry, when the boys become fathers, when our grandchildren too become adults, gives me a sense of peace that I have associated with him since I was a small child.

He is a loving son, husband, father, uncle, coach, friend and brother.  He is a Great Man.  A man of peace, a man of care, a man of humble strength.  I Give Thanks for the Blessing of Our Patriarch.  May the Gods and the Ancestors bless our family with his presence for decades yet to come.  So Mote it Be!

Opening...again

Since the loss of my brother in July, I have been struggling against an old obstacle.  I have worked relentlessly the past ten years to open myself to feeling…everything. I began with being open, engaged, and connected in ritual space, then with connecting to inspiration, and intuition, and imagination, love and grief and sorrow and joy, desire, passion and pleasure, anger, purpose and power…everything that makes me a living, breathing, loving person. 

Being closed off to my Self, my mind, soul, heart, body, and shadow, is like being asleep, or half-alive.  It feels like sleepwalking through the world, and it has robbed me of my energy, my motivation and my joy.   It has also robbed me of my compassion, empathy and connection to others.

The loss of my brother was the first but, there have been a series of losses, none of which I have felt fully.  And while I have not lost my connection to my Gods, I have not returned to the head-blindness and deafness, for which I give thanks, this disconnection from feeling is an obstacle that has become intolerable.  I will not live that way again. 

I visited the Sweat Lodge this past weekend and there I became acutely aware of the current state of my magick.  I gave thanks for the blessings I have been given. I offered up the distractions and worries (and a portion of my grief) that interfere with my being fully aware and connected to myself, and I asked for the return of opening that I may again fully engage with all of myself and with those that I love and with my purpose in the world.

This past week, in conversations with two of my coven-mates I had become unexpectedly “emotional”, even becoming disproportionately angry about something relatively trivial.  At first, I did not recognize why I was feeling so strongly, and then it occurred to me that my prayers within the Lodge had been heard and were being answered.  I give thanks for the return of opening, and I will continue this work. 

One of the ways that I intend to do this is by engaging in new experiences and striving to be fully present with them. 

This has reminded me that the lessons of this life are always repeating, we become more adept at the work each time we return to a lesson, we learn new ways, and practice and practice and practice, and through practice we become wiser and perhaps more graceful.

So, I am opening…again.  May my Gods bless me in my work.

Grief and Conflict

We are humans, all of us.  Regardless of our spiritual paths or our religious beliefs, we are not immune to the truth that death is a part of our experience.  We will all lose people we love and we will all have to work through our grief over those losses.  None of us get a pass on this in life.  

Seventeen days ago, my younger brother died unexpectedly and suddenly.  We have shared more than one lifetime together, as well as our bloodline.  I loved Him and we had conflict between us, and we stopped working on our relationship about two decades ago.   

Sometimes we will lose someone we love without warning, with no time to prepare or to say our farewells.  And as is the nature of relationships, either family or lovers or friends, sometimes that loss will be of one with whom we have conflict.  Love and conflict are more often companions than mutually exclusive conditions.  For conflict with one we do not love is often reason enough to walk away from another person but, we will persist in spite of conflict if we love another.  And so, grief is often complicated by unresolved conflict with the one we loved and lost. 

We each grieve in our own way, and in our own time.  For me it is a delayed experience.  For the first two weeks, my perception of reality was surreal, often blurry and out of proportion.  Then life became normal again and my grief began to visit me at night.  When all is quiet and my mind can identify what my heart and soul are actually grieving and, my heart and soul can feel that grief, it is the conflict that I feel, and the pain of that conflict and the anger that it exists. 

Another conflict that accompanies grief is that in moments of unexpected emotional crisis, old habits of behavior, old patterns of relating within the family, reassert themselves.  Conscious effort is required to recognize these habits and patterns and to re-establish newer skills and ways of being.  It challenges my sense of self, and forces me to reexamine my relationships with those whom I love who remain.

I have work to do.  Including the work of reaching out to Him whom I have lost to assist in what way I can, and to ask Him to work with me to make some peace between us before the next life we share.  May our Ancestors and my Gods and Allies bless us and assist us in this work.  Blessed be. 

Y Gwir Yn Erbyn Y Byd!

The Grand Sword of the Gorsedd of Bards 

“Y Gwir Yn Erbyn Y Byd” The Welsh proverb “The Truth against the World” is only the beginning of a ritual litany.   

Before the National Eisteddfod (a bardic competition of singing, recitation and instrumental mastery celebrating Welsh identity, language and culture) can commence, the Gorsedd (gathering) of Bards conducts a ritual in which the Grand Sword (upon which these words are inscribed) is partially unsheathed and laid upon a stone altar.

The call is made “Y Gwir yn Erbyn y Byd!” The Truth against the World!

The response is a question “A oes Heddwch?" Is there Peace?

Then comes the call “Calon wrth Galon!" (Heart to Heart!) and again the question “A oes Heddwch?"

Then finally the call "Gwaedd uwch Adwaedd! A oes Heddwch?” (Shout above the shouting! Is there peace?)  

The Eisteddfod cannot commence until the Gorsedd has declared Peace among them.

These words move me.  I have written before about the meaning that “Truth against the World” holds for me but; this past week I have been thinking about them a great deal.  My Third degree Initiation into my Tradition will occur in two weeks. It is an initiation into Service, as clergy and leadership in my Coven and my Tradition.  It is the beginning of a new leg of my journey. 

And I have been contemplating my purpose in this world in light of this new phase.  “Truth against the World” is a large part of that purpose, but it is only the beginning, only the starting point.  It is not about Truth for truth’s sake but, Truth for the greater purpose of Peace.  My heart calls out for Truth, for Love, for Healing of our World, and for Peace. 

Two days ago I had these words, Y Gwir Yn Erbyn Y Byd, inscribed (tattooed) upon my right forearm in red script, to commemorate the beginning of this stage in my life but, also to remind me every time I see them of my purpose, and of the entire litany.  To remind myself to ask the question “A oes Heddwch?"  Do I bring Peace?

I am not a pacifist, although I respect those who hold that place in our world.  My heart longs for Peace but, not for peace at any cost. Peace without Liberty is not Peace but rather oppression.  My purpose is Peace and Freedom, my purpose is Peace through Truth.  May my Gods, Ancestors and Allies bless me in my purpose.

Y Gwir Yn Erbyn Y Byd!

Personal Ritual...

I love Ritual.  It appeals to both the orderly parts of me and to the parts of me that love magick, that need inspiration in order to live and be happy.

I have participated in some truly great rituals, I have written and facilitated some very good rituals, and I am a student of rituals and how they work.

My daily practice involves many small rituals. 

Rituals of Air…and breathing.

Rituals of Water…and cleansing.

Rituals of Earth…eating and grounding, and touching the Earth.

Rituals of Fire…lighting candles and insence.

Rituals of Spirit…listening to the winds and the trees, to water and to stones, to the Sun and the Moon and the Stars, and writing and creating.

Rituals of Gratitude...making offerings and prayers, singing. 

Rituals of Healing...and listening to self.

Rituals of Love and Life…cuddling with Pwca, and touching with Lovers, and sharing community with Beloveds.

Rituals give my life order and structure…and magick and inspiration.

Life is ritual…

On the power and necessity of Water...

My body needs water.

I need to drink water to keep my body clean inside, to keep it healthy and strong, to keep it clear of toxins and stagnation.  I need to have clean water flowing through me to be well.

I need water flowing over my body.  I need it to flow over my hands and my feet to clear off the detritus that clings after walking about in the world.  I need it to clear my subtle bodies of the stuff of life that does not nurture.

I need it flowing through my heart, mind and soul, and from my heart, mind and soul.  I need it to flow like the river, so that the pressure does not become too great and burst the container, so that it does not stagnate and become toxic.

Water is the universal solvent.  It cleans away detritus and toxins and stagnation.  Flowing, it has strength and force that can accomplish great movement and change.  It carves and wears and shapes and moves all that it comes in contact with.  It is the most fluid and mutable and yet tangible element of all.

I am mist and rain and torrent and snowfall…and I am the river and the lake…and a wave in the universal Ocean.

Water is Life.

Freyja-Vanadis; a new relationship...

Twenty-one years ago, when I began this journey and began meeting the Gods and building relationships with them, I learned the story of Freyja-Vanadis, the Vanir Goddess of love, sex, beauty, war, death and magick who lived with the Aesir and learned the Runes from Odin and in return taught Seidr to the All-Father.  At that time, and for years after, I made petition to Her to work with me, but the Lady was silent. 

I have always believed that She heard me and that Her silence was Her answer…I was not ready.  It was not that I was unsuitable, or that I was unworthy…I was simply not ready to learn the lessons that she would teach me.  I had work to do, other lessons to learn, skills to develop, before I could understand or effectively practice the magick that she had to teach me.

I attended the Conjure Dance at Sacred Space/Between the Worlds Conference a couple of weeks ago and, this year I was successful in opening enough to enter trance and converse with the Gods.

I spoke with and heard the voices of Beloved Deities with whom I have had relationships for years.  It was profoundly moving and I am grateful that the work that I have done in this past year was successful.  It was something that I have spent a great deal of energy and focus on and it meant a great deal to me to discover that I am indeed capable of opening enough, and to do so in the presence of other human beings.

But the most surprising voice was that  of the Lady.   Freyja-Vanadis spoke to me.  And what She said to me was this,

“Now, you are ready”.

And so I am once again building  a new relationship with the Goddess.  She has already brought many new experiences and insights, new friendships and new perspectives, a new understanding of my Self and of my work in the world, and of my service to others, and of the nature of love.  And I see more clearly what I have now that I did not have then.  

I am both honored and filled with hope to begin the work that She and I will do together…to begin the work that She would teach me.  I am also filled with the joy I find in knowing Her.

Hail Freyja-Vanadis, Lady of Light, Beauty, Fire, Passion, Joy, Magick and Love! Hail and Welcome!

Humanity

I am Human.  More than anything, I am a human being, a member of the human race.  Before gender, or ethnicity, or sexuality, or spirituality, or politics, or any other detail of my individuality, I am Human.  I think of the entirety of humanity as my relations.  Truth be told, I think of many other species as my relations as well, animals, trees, waters, stones, stars, and the Fae.  But this is about my Human relations.

I am an optimist.  I believe that the human species is not beyond hope.  While we are capable of great violence and darkness, and while many suffer from soul-sickness, and our society as a whole has a great need for healing, I believe that we are also capable of great nobility and compassion.   It is my hope to be a healing influence on those humans with whom I interact in this lifetime, my family and my community but, also those whose names I do not know. My Tradition is engaged in the mission of “Re-enchanting the World” and I strive to fulfill that mission in every encounter I have every day. 

I hold hope, and faith, and love, and joy, and truth.  I hold compassion and I pray for the healing of our species, our society, and our world.  May Humanity survive this sickness long enough to evolve to become the more noble version of ourselves, and may our world survive long enough to see us do so.  So Mote It Be.         

Water

Water is the element most essential to Life. 

Without Water the Earth itself would be unable to support life.  In fact the Earth is covered in the element, and our bodies are more water than any other thing. 

Water is the Ocean and the Tides and the Moon that moves them.

It is the waves and the currents and the depths where life continues unobserved.

It is the lake and the mist rising from the surface and the fog that clings to the open places between the woodlands and to the road we walk in the evening’s twilight.

It is the stream in the woods where birds and creatures gather to drink of its life-giving. And the rain that falls upon the fields.

It is the river always flowing to the sea, carving the earth and moving everything that stands before it.

It is the fluid in which all life gestates and which flows when each life begins, whether from womb or egg or chrysalis.

It is that which we use to wash our bodies and the dishes and the laundry and the floors and the windows.

It is the silver chalice upon the western altar and the Cauldron at the center of the Wheel and the blessed water used to purify, and the wine that we share in the name of the Goddess, and the Holy Well that heals us.

Water is the semen that carries the seed and that which flows to welcome it.

It is the sweat on our skin and the tears of our heart and the dreams in our sleep.

It is the grief and desire and joy that fill our lives and the love that powers our greatest magick.

An open letter to my Tradition

To the Assembly of the Sacred Wheel...

When I first found you, you inspired me

to overcome my fear of…

Everything...

I look back now on the person I was…

on the life I had then…

and it feels like someone else’s life,

another person’s memory.

You inspired me to See...

magick in our world,

magick on our land

magick in each one of you

and to risk believing

that there was magick in me…

I sat in dark corners and listened and watched

silent and still and small

but I Saw

I saw people who had magick

people with honor

people who loved and lived with integrity

people who served our Earth

and the Gods

and our world

and one another

And I learned to trust

first you and then myself

Your love has taught me

how to trust

how to serve

how to heal

how to love

how to live my life out loud

without fear or shame or the need to pretend

that I am anything other than ALL that I am

And when I finally tested that

when I risked everything

and jumped off the cliff

I discovered that you had taught me to fly

and I found you were smiling

and laughing and dancing and flying

right there beside me

We looked into the future together

with joy

and magick

and love.

and what I saw has filled me with purpose and hope.

 

I will spend the rest of my life

Teaching you to see

your beauty, and strength, and magick

the way you have taught me

to see my own,

And Re-Enchanting our World…

Together…

No Holding Back

This past Midsummer, my coven held the kind of ritual that makes magick that follows you home.  We were challenged to declare our beauty and our successes, our flaws and what we have left undone, and what we will do to continue that work.  We also challenged one another because; sometimes we see each other more clearly than we see ourselves. 

One of the wisest women I have ever met is an initiate of my coven and one of my greatest teachers.  Her challenge to me was “no holding back”.  That is indeed one of the principles that I have been striving to live by, not always successfully.  Lifelong habits are difficult to break.  It takes practice and diligence.

This past autumn I had the opportunity to fall in love, and indeed I did fall in love, with someone that I have loved and respected and trusted for quite some time.  This man is beautiful and brilliant and strong and compassionate and there is no reason in the universe that I should not have fallen in love with him, in fact it was quite inevitable I think.

Yet, instead of telling him, or showing him, instead of going to him and loving him the way my heart desired to, uncensored, without reservation, I held back.  I did not hold back out of fear, but gave myself rational and logical “reasons” and they matter not even a little bit because, I let the opportunity to love him go unrealized. 

What “reason” could possibly justify squandering the chance to show someone how you love them?  Even, or especially, if it was only a brief moment in time, would not every second that you could share with them be a priceless treasure not to be wasted?  Every moment we live is a chance to embrace our soul’s true calling.  What higher calling can there be, but to love others the way our hearts would dictate?

I let that chance pass by, I held back.  I cannot change that, life does not work that way.  But I will not continue to hold back.  Not my love, nor my magick, not my words, nor my power, not my desires, nor my purpose.  Not with my family, not with my friends, not with my beloveds nor with my community, nor with anyone else with whom I might fall in love.

I will live my life, no holding back, so mote it be.

Joy

Sometimes, I think, we lose track of one of the most important aspects of our incarnate lives here on this Earth.  We lose track of one of the most fundamental and overriding purposes of our human experience.  We become so focused upon the working and struggling and suffering in this life that we forget the most valuable moments: those in which we experience JOY.

Because we do not live in a constant state of bliss, because moments of joy are fleeting, we forget that they are real and indeed the very essence of life.  Life itself is ephemeral (at least in the physical) and joy is a reflection of that transience.

But make no mistake, JOY is our purpose.  We live to experience those moments, those jewels of love, inspiration, creation and transformation.  Our lives are tapestries of many colors and many moments.  And here and there the sparkling gems of enchantment and joy are found within the pattern. 

Each of those moments is a treasure that teaches us the value of that which caused it.  The smell of the smoke from the sacred fire, the sound of a loved one’s laughter, the taste of chocolate or a sip of wine, the soft, warm touch of a lover’s hand, the forsythia blooming in the April Sun.  

The small everyday moments, and the big mountaintop moments, all of the moments we feel joy, no matter how fleeting, these are the moments that we are here to experience. 

This path we walk is one of joy.  The more often we can recognize it and pause to experience it, the more full of joy our lives will be.  And that is one of our most fundamental purposes, to live a life of joy. 

May your life be joyful.  Blessed be.

Remembering the Maiden

Dancing Maiden by Katarina Silva

This past weekend I met a radiant young woman who has a beautifully open heart.  We encountered each other a few times and engaged in pleasant and polite conversations about art and other things, and about not limiting ourselves with language (this lesson I have learned from one of my teachers and  in turn try to pass it along to others).  I saw her dance and smile and each time I was filled with joy at being witness to her first steps upon a path that I have loved for many years now.

It brings great light to my heart to hope that I will be walking this path with her and that thought inspires me to remember that the Maiden lives within me as well, even as I take my first steps into my life as a Crone. 

On the last evening of the weekend I found myself engaged again in conversation with this Bright Child and as will sometimes happen, the conversation went somewhere that I did not expect and rather than politely restraining myself, I dove in head first and followed where my heart and mind led. 

It was a wonderful feeling but after, I felt as though I should be embarrassed that I had been “too loud” and “too big” in expressing my thoughts and in engaging so enthusiastically and completely.  Indeed I was surprised at my behavior.

The next morning I was given the gift of hearing the perceptions that some in my community have of me, specifically that I am never loud or big and while I was not criticized for my unusual behavior it was remarked upon for its rarity.

I learned a few things from this experience.  First was recognition of the feeling that I should be ashamed for being “too loud or too big”.  (One of my teachers will be very pleased to know that I am no longer going to unconsciously accept that premise.)  It is not cause for shame to be engaged fully and enthusiastically with others.

Another lesson I have learned from this experience is that the Maiden is alive and well within me.  My sisters on this path embody the Maiden even as they welcome me into the Sisterhood of the Crone.  They are full of life and joy and adventure and I am grateful for their companionship and guidance.

I give thanks for the Maiden Encountered and for the Maiden Remembered and for the Maiden Reborn within me.

Enchantment

I have loved the word Enchantment since I was a small child.  It has always invoked for me the image of making music and making magick, as if magick and music were two sides of the very same sparkling coin.

To enchant a thing, or a place, or a person, is to sing over it, to whisper to it, to tell it a secret about its own magickal nature, about its own beauty and its own power.  To sing a musical phrase of its true name and set it free to become everything it perhaps never dreamed it could be, but was always destined to be.

I seek out those places and people and objects that are enchanted so that their magick and their music might sing to me, to my mind and my heart and my soul and my body, and my spirit and my shadows.

The mission of my Tradition, of my Community, is “to Re-Enchant the World” and indeed through my Coven and my Beloveds it does so, in part by enchanting me and my life, and I in turn strive to enchant the world around me.

Enchantment is something I strive to live.  I strive to enchant the things and places and people in my life.  I strive to sing my own true name to myself and to live a life of enchantment.

Devotion

Devotion is a form of love.  It is an expression of love and commitment, of dedication and loyalty, of admiration and respect.  It says something about the one who is devoted but, it says more about the object of that devotion.

Those who inspire my devotion are Human and other, they are Gods and other.  I am devoted to my Gods and my Beloveds for very similar reasons.  Devotion for me is an expression of faith.

It is an expression of my belief in the nobility and honor of those for whom I feel devotion.  That those persons (whether human or deity or other) can be trusted, can be counted on, that they are worthy of my faith, my trust and my loyalty. 

That is not to say that those individuals are perfect (neither deity nor human nor other) but that they have proven to be honorable.  Nor is my devotion given easily or quickly.

It takes a long time for me to learn faith.  As a rule it takes years of skeptical and close observation.   My devotion, my loyalty, my trust are earned over time.  But when that devotion is inspired, it is fervent and devout.

I am grateful for those beloveds who have inspired me to devotion.  I am grateful to have individuals in my life who are deserving of my devotion and who inspire me to be honorable and noble as they are, to be deserving of their presence in my life.

In Devotion, I give thanks for them.

Dark Moon Ritual December 31st, 2013

The Voice of Clarity tells me;

*keep writing.

*keep engaging.

*keep tearing at the walls to discover who I am supposed to be.

*keep moving forward to complete the work I have begun.

The Voice of Truth tells me;

*the things I become anxious about are not as big as I make them.

*let go of those things that are not mine.

*remember the lessons about living in faith.

*the connections I have are real, and not illusions. 

The Voice of Intuition tells me;

*opportunities to have the life I desire are near, be ready for them.

*love can come, and might, be open to it.

The voice of Wisdom tells me;

*take better care of my body, eat better food, get better exercise and reduce toxins.

*spend time outdoors weekly, even in the cold weather.

*renew my daily practice.

*this year will be full of challenges, but also fun, do not let the former prevent me from engaging with the latter, fun has as much to teach me as challenges.

The Voice of Spirit tells me;

*I am not alone.  I am a part of Community.

*I am not alone, my Gods, Ancestors and Allies will help me to accomplish what they require.

*I have work to do, and I am equipped to complete that work.

Blessings be upon you all.  Thank you for walking with me on this path.

Love and Light to each of you.

Awenydd

on loneliness and wishing on a star...

Sometimes I feel lonesome.  Not all the time, not every day, but sometimes loneliness creeps under the door into my tree-house and wraps itself around me when I am curled in my bed with my Pwca.  It happens most often when the light fades from the sky, when the weather is cold and I am less likely to venture out at night. 

Truth be told, I am a bit of a home-body.  I love my home and my Pwca is a wonderful companion but, as much as I enjoy the quiet beauty of my lovely rooms, and the solitude necessary to do my work, I sometimes long for the comfort of a warm human body and heart and mind and soul to engage with. 

Intimacy is a human need.  It is not a need that can be met through casual interaction in the everyday world.  It requires a familiarity that can only be found in the personal connection that exists between friends or lovers or family.

As the longest night of the year approaches, I am glad that I have a tree decorated with lights to cheer my home.  It will stand in its place until I can detect the return of the light.  I am grateful that I have a warm and loving feline spirit with whom to share my evenings.  I am grateful that loneliness is only an occasional visitor and that I will be able to visit with my beloveds on occasion over the next few weeks.

But sometimes, I wish I could spend the evening with my arms wrapped around a beloved and with theirs wrapped around me.  This is my wish for the new year.  The first star I see on the longest night of the year, I shall wish upon it.

Magick without Words

I have been very quiet for a while now.  I have been wanting to write but have been focused on listening.   I have been dreaming much more than I ever have in the past.   At first the dreams were expressions of my hormonal situation (it seems that my body was reacting to the imminent onset of menapause by ramping up my libido to epic proportions)   Being single and living alone, it was a bit frustrating.  But that seems to have passed for the moment and for a while now the dreams have taken on a quieter and more reflective tone. 

After the frenzy of the past few months I feel exhausted and my dream sleep has become difficult to surface from on a daily basis.  I find it tiring to engage with others.  I find myself wanting to be with loved ones but engaging them does not come naturally.  I want to sit silently and be near them and watch them and listen to them but, my thoughts have difficulty finding their way into language and then to expression through speech.

I held my granddaughter yesterday for the first time.  I could have happily sat there for days.  Because I did not have to use words, I could simply hold her close in my arms and allow my heart to feed my love directly into her little body.  I could simply feel her breathe and whisper into her ears, my voice and my breath carrying energy and light into her sleeping mind.  It is a magick without words. 

That is strange to me.  My thoughts have always before expressed themselves through language.  I love words.  But it seems as though one of the results of the initiation is that I now experience and express magick and ideas through images and other sensory information.  Perhaps this was the way I functioned when I was young, before I fell so completely in love with words.  I do not know but, I am becoming more comfortable with it and better at interpreting it.  

It seems as though, in order to write, I must disengage from it, to surface into the waking world, and as soon as I have achieved my purpose, I sink back into the dreaming without words.  I do hope to find a way to integrate the two.  Perhaps this next month will hold some key about how to do just that.  Blessings upon you as we approach the return of the light.