The Spirits of the Lodge...

I had not visited the Sweat Lodge in so long I could not quite remember just how long it had been.  It had either been a year and a half or two and a half years.  Regardless, it had been TOO long.

The Lodge is a unique place.  There is no other structure I know of with quite that type of none-linear time/space.  The Ancient Ones (the Stones) somehow meet us in that liminal place and there we offer our prayers but, more profoundly, there They teach us.

There have been times when I entered the Lodge knowing what my prayers would be, what my work and intentions would be.  This time I prayed silently for the Spirits of the Lodge to teach me what I needed to learn. 

I had made the two and one half hour drive by myself, beginning before dawn.  I had watched the sun rise in silence on a quiet road.  I had simply stayed open and quiet and allowed the Spirits of the Lodge to speak as They would to my soul. 

The messages that I received were about listening to discover what my loved ones need from me and what I need to be well.  About allowing my passions to remain strong but finding ways to express those within my own boundaries as well as the boundaries of those I love.  About the fact that fear and anger are not only acceptable but necessary emotions, that they are useful when kept in appropriate proportion and when put to proper use. And that love is not something I need to earn.  And that all things will manifest according to the commitment I afford them.

I give thanks for the Water-Pourer, the Fire–Tenders, the Ancient Ones, the Spirits of the Land, the Spirits of the Lodge and the Beloveds who care for all those present.

I will not allow so much time to pass before I return again.  Blessed be.  

The Garden Forge; a visit to Brighid

You are standing in a clearing on a hill, surrounded by woods.

Before you stands a stone tower, the surface half-covered with moss.

There are ancient symbols carved into the stones and as you try to decipher them you notice a rough wooden door, dark with age.

You pull on the latch and slowly, the door opens enough to allow you to enter.

Inside it is quiet. Light filters in from windows high above and the air smells of wood smoke and blackberries. The floor is smooth and worn.  There is a stair to your left spiraling upward and to your right leading down.

You turn to your left and begin to ascend the stair.  The stone steps are even and smooth and easy to climb.  The light and air are warm and fragrant.  You can see glimpses of blue sky through the high narrow windows above you and you climb step by step up and around and up and up and up and around.  You can no longer see the door but you keep climbing wondering when you will reach the top.  Just as you are considering turning back you come to another door. 

The stair continues to spiral even further upward and you consider continuing your ascent but you notice a hammer hanging by the door. 

The door is a warm golden wood finely carved with intricate spirals and graceful symbols.  You test the latch and the door opens smoothly and easily outward into an orchard, filled with the sunshine of a bright summer day.  There is a path through the trees in front of you lined with blackberry bushes full of ripe black sweet berries.

You hear the sound of a hammer striking an anvil in a regular rhythm and you follow the orchard path to the source of the sound.   The trees are large and in full leaf and you cannot see beyond the ones immediately surrounding you. But you keep following the sound until just when you begin to think that the sound is actually your own heartbeat you step out from the next tree and find a roofed structure with no walls. 

Beneath the roof is a Forge.  The coals are glowing and a woman stands at the anvil beating the metal she is working, with the hammer in her hand. She is tall with a strong body and a presence that is even larger.  She seems to take up all the space within the forge.  Her short red hair, her entire body, seem to glow with flame. 

She plunges the piece into the basin of water beside her and the steam rises.  She then looks at you with bright hazel eyes and smiles a warm and welcoming smile, wiping sweat from her brow with her forearm.

This is Brighid, the Goddess of Smiths, the Mother of Midwives, and the Muse of Poets.  Warrior, Healer and Fiery Arrow.  Go to her and she will transform you, speak with her and she will heal you, listen to her and she will inspire you. 

When you feel it is time to go, thank the Lady and take your leave of Her.  Follow the path through the orchard back to the tower. The door stands open and you enter and descend the stair then pass through the open door to the place where you began.

On the power and necessity of Water...

My body needs water.

I need to drink water to keep my body clean inside, to keep it healthy and strong, to keep it clear of toxins and stagnation.  I need to have clean water flowing through me to be well.

I need water flowing over my body.  I need it to flow over my hands and my feet to clear off the detritus that clings after walking about in the world.  I need it to clear my subtle bodies of the stuff of life that does not nurture.

I need it flowing through my heart, mind and soul, and from my heart, mind and soul.  I need it to flow like the river, so that the pressure does not become too great and burst the container, so that it does not stagnate and become toxic.

Water is the universal solvent.  It cleans away detritus and toxins and stagnation.  Flowing, it has strength and force that can accomplish great movement and change.  It carves and wears and shapes and moves all that it comes in contact with.  It is the most fluid and mutable and yet tangible element of all.

I am mist and rain and torrent and snowfall…and I am the river and the lake…and a wave in the universal Ocean.

Water is Life.

Ysbryd

I have lived in my tree-house for over three and a half years now.  When I first moved in, I cleansed my rooms, blessed them and cast protections. If those protections were not strong, they were sufficient for the magick that I was capable of at the time.  At that time my relationships with my Patrons were about as much protection as I needed, as my magick was not truly strong enough to draw attention from anyone with whom I did not have a strong relationship.

It took me one year and three moves to find my tree-house.  Since moving in, my home has supported me, comforted me and sheltered me.  It has kept me warm and safe.  It provides me with light and beauty and the quiet solitude that I find necessary to do my work.  It nurtures my life, my work, my heart and my soul.  It is the place I sleep, dream, write, make love, share tea with my friends and family and cast magick, worship my Gods, honor my Ancestors and my Allies.  It is the home I return to at the end of every day, and the place where my Pwca lives day in and day out.  It is that place of safety and strength from which I venture forth into this world and into the Otherworlds. 

During the past three years my magick has grow and at one point it became bright enough, strong enough to draw interest from “others”.  Pwca was reacting to the presence of other energy with a great deal of agitation, not a good thing in a familiar who is magickal and wild by nature.  So I decided that we needed to cast new protective spells in order to keep out what was disruptive to us and our peaceful cohabitation.  I included Pwca in the casting because he lives here and he has his own magick.

But something unexpected happened.  The spell was transformed.  It was made into something more elegant, lovelier.  Instead of simply providing protection, the magick lifts glamours and facilitates truth and healing.  This was not even in my thoughts although, my heart would have held these intentions had my mind thought of them.  I believe that it was the Spirit of the tree-house who affected the spells. 

Ysbryd is a Welsh word for spirit.  It is the name I use for the Spirit of my home.  I have been working to strengthen my relationship to Ysbryd.  I have a small altar on a corner of the kitchen counter where I make offerings of thanks and love to Ysbryd.  I greet her and light a small candle.  I burn incense and offer my thanks for all that she does for me and Pwca.  I place a small vase of flowers or a cup of tea and ask for her continued care and magick.  And I sing for her and then listen to hear what she might have to say to me.

I give thanks for Ysbryd and for her influence on my life and for her care of my beautiful home.                                                                                                                                            

Expectations

I have been trying to live up to the expectations of others for most of my life.  I have never really known what those expectations were, I have usually failed to meet them and, I have never stopped trying.  But in trying to understand what others expect from me, and in trying to meet those imagined expectations, I have failed to see what it was that I expected of myself.  I have limited my beliefs of what I am capable of. 

I have failed to see that I can do and be more than what someone else expects.  I have assumed that I am less than, rather than more than, what another wanted me to be, or what I imagined that they wanted me to be.

There is a lovely and delicious freedom in letting go of those expectations and the limits that I have placed upon myself.

My imagination is enjoying the freedom and is discovering possibilities that I have never dreamed of before.

Experiments

We are constantly changing.  When we are involved a process of spiritual evolution, our abilities and the ways in which we function, are constantly growing and shifting. 

In order to learn how to live with these new perimeters, we need to experiment.

We need to try new ways of doing things.  We need to test different ways of magick, of loving, of living, of being.  

Some of our experiments will teach us about what no longer works, some will teach us what might work and we may need to adjust our course along the way.  Partial successes, failures, false starts, miss-steps, course-corrections are part of the process.  Perfection is not a realistic goal.  We learn by trying and every time we attempt something new, or in a new way, we gain understanding through the experience. 

I am a fan of the scientific method.  I enjoy the experiments and the exploration.  I enjoy the creative effort of figuring out what works,  how I work.

The journey itself is the point.  The journey IS the magick.  

Un-Reconciled

Magick is not an immediate thing.  Sometimes it works in ways that are completely sideways from what you expected.  Your intention may be clear, and it does work if you are not muddled in your intention but, it seldom actually happens the way you think it will.

And sometimes, especially when the magick involves changing the way you exist, the way you function, your internal structures, and the way your magick works, it can take a long time and it can be unsettling, ungraceful, and even painful.  But that does not mean that the magick is not working. 

I have been feeling un-reconciled.  The magick feels un-resolved.  That is because it is.  It is working itself out and that takes time.  It is difficult to be patient.  It is uncomfortable to be changing.  But the journey is where we learn the lessons.  The path is not the destination but, rather the experience  we gain along the way.

Transformation, evolution, is a flowing river, always moving and shifting and becoming.  Always un-reconciled.  I am learning to sit and walk and work and love and live in the current.  Blessed be.

Unlocking the boxes...

For the past six months or so one of my specific and stated intentions has been to unlock the boxes within myself, to discover what lies within them, and to master whatever I might find there. 

The boxes and my intention to unlock them are not constantly in my waking consciousness.  Sometimes I forget for moments or days at a time, I become distracted by daily life, by the normal everyday of living.  And then something draws my attention back to the boxes and I am reminded that even when I am not paying attention, even when I am not actively pursuing this intent, words said in sacred space have power and the magick is continuing.

My Patron has been insistent that this is necessary if I am to take on the responsibility of completing my third degree initiation.  That it is required in order to find and use my power.  That it is non-negotiable if I am to truly know myself. I am not arguing this point but, it has been difficult and painful. 

I have been on a journey of self-discovery regarding my own identity, specifically my sexual identity.  This has resulted in many of the boxes being unlocked and the shamanic healing that I sought has also had a similar effect. The result has been particularly extreme in this past week.

I have been dreaming and remembering and it has robbed me of sleep and of peace in my waking life.  The lack of sleep and the images and emotions in my dreams have robbed me of my ability to shut down my emotions and of my shields against feeling too much.  I have even resorted to old behaviors out of desperation in an attempt to escape the return of feelings and thoughts that I have not had in decades.

Old ways of thinking have reared their heads.  The argument that it would be safer not to love, that it would be easier to remain strong and cold and hard, that allowing my heart to feel again is a mistake.  There is a very strong urging to walk away from anyone who threatens to touch me, to make me feel.  That trusting anyone who could abandon me, or take something from me, is a foolish risk not to be considered.  The desire to hurt those I do love in order to drive them away from me is incredibly intense as well.

My heart feels like it has been frozen and the thaw and return of feeling are as painful as frostbitten limbs being flushed with blood again.  It has also been violent in its awakening.  And the fact that others have witnessed my convulsions has been humiliating. 

The pain in my heart remains and I do not know for certain that it will ever really go away now.  Perhaps this is what it feels like to be alive.  I do not really know but, I will not abandon my intent.  I will do whatever is necessary to live, and to love, and to feel.  I will not turn back, no matter what may come.  So Mote It Be.

the Queen of the Abyss and Past Life Work

In the past few months, two of my teachers have revealed to me impressions they had when they first met me (and ever since).  They are not wrong but, to be honest, it is a bit unsettling to be told that the secrets you thought you kept well hidden are not. 

After one of my teachers mentioned the Sorrow that I have carried through too many lives, (and the image she described was intimately familiar to me), I went searching with the intention to fully know it and release it.

http://storiesfromthecauldron.blogspot.com/2014/05/to-queen-of-abyss.html

http://journeysoftherunes.blogspot.com/2014/06/laguz-temple-of-sorrows-and-queen-of.html

Since then, I have journeyed to the Temple of Sorrows twice more.  When I first returned to the Queen I found her as I had left her, but weighed down with guilt and shame.  She showed me more of what her “sins” had been, and I spoke with her about the lifetimes we have spent in “penance” and that the time for forgiveness and peace had come.  That she had taught me compassion and that she could let go now.  The crack in the ceiling of the Temple widened and I embraced her and promised to return again and left her.

I returned once more with the intention of transforming her through the fire of sunlight into ashes that would rise as a Phoenix.  This was the image given to me by my teacher and it was my expectation and my hope.  I found the Queen in white, calm and almost smiling but when the ceiling opened fully and let in the light, it was moonlight and not sunshine.  Instead of a blaze of flame and ash, instead of the Phoenix rising, there was sparkling white light and a dove flew away into the starlit sky. 

I expected the Temple to be empty.  That the work was complete…but of course it is never that simple.  When I turned to leave, someone else stood before me, someone full of pain and rage and fear.  So the work continues, as it always will until I have finished with this life.

I have been chronicling my exploration into my sexual identity on another blog,

http://exploringthelookingglass.blogspot.com/

After reading one of my posts about a recent discovery, another of my teachers had commented that she had known that I harbored a vast amount of untapped anger.  The work  that I have ahead of me will not surprise her. 

Most people are blind.  Most people cannot see even a little past the glamours built over decades, let alone those built over lifetimes.  That is why it is so necessary to have teachers with vision and the courage to be honest about what they see, when you are ready to hear it.

I give thanks for wise teachers, for the Gods who have led me to them and for the Queen of the Abyss.  Blessed Be.

Remembering the Maiden

Dancing Maiden by Katarina Silva

This past weekend I met a radiant young woman who has a beautifully open heart.  We encountered each other a few times and engaged in pleasant and polite conversations about art and other things, and about not limiting ourselves with language (this lesson I have learned from one of my teachers and  in turn try to pass it along to others).  I saw her dance and smile and each time I was filled with joy at being witness to her first steps upon a path that I have loved for many years now.

It brings great light to my heart to hope that I will be walking this path with her and that thought inspires me to remember that the Maiden lives within me as well, even as I take my first steps into my life as a Crone. 

On the last evening of the weekend I found myself engaged again in conversation with this Bright Child and as will sometimes happen, the conversation went somewhere that I did not expect and rather than politely restraining myself, I dove in head first and followed where my heart and mind led. 

It was a wonderful feeling but after, I felt as though I should be embarrassed that I had been “too loud” and “too big” in expressing my thoughts and in engaging so enthusiastically and completely.  Indeed I was surprised at my behavior.

The next morning I was given the gift of hearing the perceptions that some in my community have of me, specifically that I am never loud or big and while I was not criticized for my unusual behavior it was remarked upon for its rarity.

I learned a few things from this experience.  First was recognition of the feeling that I should be ashamed for being “too loud or too big”.  (One of my teachers will be very pleased to know that I am no longer going to unconsciously accept that premise.)  It is not cause for shame to be engaged fully and enthusiastically with others.

Another lesson I have learned from this experience is that the Maiden is alive and well within me.  My sisters on this path embody the Maiden even as they welcome me into the Sisterhood of the Crone.  They are full of life and joy and adventure and I am grateful for their companionship and guidance.

I give thanks for the Maiden Encountered and for the Maiden Remembered and for the Maiden Reborn within me.

Enchantment

I have loved the word Enchantment since I was a small child.  It has always invoked for me the image of making music and making magick, as if magick and music were two sides of the very same sparkling coin.

To enchant a thing, or a place, or a person, is to sing over it, to whisper to it, to tell it a secret about its own magickal nature, about its own beauty and its own power.  To sing a musical phrase of its true name and set it free to become everything it perhaps never dreamed it could be, but was always destined to be.

I seek out those places and people and objects that are enchanted so that their magick and their music might sing to me, to my mind and my heart and my soul and my body, and my spirit and my shadows.

The mission of my Tradition, of my Community, is “to Re-Enchant the World” and indeed through my Coven and my Beloveds it does so, in part by enchanting me and my life, and I in turn strive to enchant the world around me.

Enchantment is something I strive to live.  I strive to enchant the things and places and people in my life.  I strive to sing my own true name to myself and to live a life of enchantment.

Ritual and Magick

Magick happens in Ritual. In good Ritual, it follows you home.  In powerful Ritual, it tears you open and pulls down the walls, it leaves them in piles of rubble, and lets loose all that was hiding within them, within you.  It takes time, I think, to become accustomed to the affects of that kind of Magick.  And not every Ritual is designed to do that.  Some are for celebration, some for empowerment, but each person who participates will be affected according to their need, preparation and will.

I have been stuck for a while.  I have been afraid and frustrated and lonely.  I have been holding onto things as if they somehow keep me alive.  When I reach that place, I need help tearing down the walls.  I am not always capable of tearing them down, truth be told, I am not always capable of seeing them, and it is difficult to pull down that which you cannot see surrounds you.  I have vowed that I will not let them stand but, sometimes I need the catalyst of powerful Ritual, and the Magick that happens there, and the Magick that follows, to begin again. 

The Raven of the Void provided that catalyst, and the Magick has indeed followed me home.  I have been tearing at the walls every day and exploring what has been hiding behind them.  I have been writing every day and discovering things that are very uncomfortable, but that are necessary if I am to serve my Community and my Gods in the way that They would have me serve.  Happiness is also one of the purposes of this Magick and, I want to be a happier person. The Magick begins in Ritual but, the work has only begun.

Exploring the Other Side

I have started another blog to explore gender, sexuality and identity.  I welcome you to join me there if you wish.  

http://exploringthelookingglass.blogspot.com/

This blog will continue to remain on point about my spiritual journey.

Exploring sexuality is not separate from spirituality, and indeed my spiritual journey has lead me to that exploration.  

Blessings on each of you as we enter the dark of the year.

Longing for the Shadows

Pathways by Susan Seddon Boulet

I miss the shadows.  I have committed to not dwelling there, only two short visits are allowed to me until the spring.   I do not want to go back, nor is that truly possible but, I am a creature of the light and the shadow and I feel as though I have been living in exile.  I long to return to my Patron, to rest in the arms of Himself, to not have to be strong, to not have to be brave, to just be small and silent and still and unseen for a while.  I long for the comfort of being held and cared for by Him who makes me safe.  I long to go wandering in the land of shadows, to go exploring in the sparkling depths of night, when the world is sleeping and I can fly through the dark sky among the stars, silent and invisible.  I long for the time when my exile will be ended and I may choose to dwell as long as I wish in either shadow or light, when I can work in whatever place seams best to me to accomplish that which I desire.  I will not hide there again in fear but rather I would choose to rest there, to learn, to be reborn, to listen and maybe to see that which cannot be seen in the full, bright light of day.  Growth happens in the dark, so does dreaming.  I miss the dream-world of shadow.  

Making Plans

Yesterday was my birthday.  It was a beautiful day.  I spent it with Pwca in my tree-house.  I spent it organizing my possessions and my closets.  I spent it re-setting my alters.   I spent it gathering things to take to the thrift store.  I spent it evaluating my goals and visions for my future.  I spent it re-imagining my life. I spent it making plans.

In the past, those plans would present themselves as lists of things to do and accomplish over the next year and the next five years and the next ten years. This year it is not so much a list as it is a dream.  There are a few specific events I wish to attend, one or two short term goals, one or two long term goals.  But mostly it is a very sketchy outline of things I want to begin, things that I intend and hope for. 

It allows for things unknown, unexpected, beyond my control.  It assumes course corrections. It expects possibilities that I do not know.  Much like the story I am writing, I have hints in my peripheral vision but I no longer need to plot out every step of my future path.  

I hope to fall in love someday, but I have no idea about the who or the when or the how.  My intent is to be open to allowing it to happen and my hope is that I will recognize it when it does.   There is no planning for that nor, I suspect, for the most beautiful things that life can bring. 

Without some detailed plan, without the “lists”, the only thing to do is to live, to keep the vision in my mind and allow it to change and evolve as I do the work in front of me.  To live according to my intentions and to be open and ready as each lesson, as each opportunity presents itself.  To do as my heart leads me and as my soul dictates in each moment along the way and to have faith that doing so will lead to the place the gods will at the time I need to get there. 

This is a new way of looking at my future for me.  It is not so likely to result in failure either, because the dream is allowed to evolve and is expected to change, there is no expectation of perfection, but rather more room for following intuition.   I think it also allows for me to be more responsive to listening to shadow, and responding to it in a healthy manner rather than simply hiding or becoming the shadows themselves. 

So this year I will follow the ever-shifting vision instead of the “plan”.  Blessings of the Gods be upon me as I discover where it will lead me.  Blessed Be.

Star Navigation

My Patroness is a Star Goddess, a Goddess of Fate and Destiny.  She is The Keeper of the Silver Wheel of Stars.  I had always avoided the study of Astrology because of its complexity, but during the work of my first degree, it finally occurred to me that Arianrhod might have lessons for me and that there might be clues to those lessons in my natal chart.

And so I began to study the basics of the language and began learning my chart.  I have been learning about myself through this endeavor for four and a half years and I am still a novice.  I suspect that I will be a novice at this art for the rest of my life.

 

Fortunately I have an Elder, Priest and Friend who is an adept at this stellar language and at interpreting it and helping me to navigate through the currents of my life, through the currents of energy that affect me, through the lessons, and through the opportunities.  He also helps me to learn the language a little better and therefore to understand myself a little bit better.

I went to see my Elder the day after my second degree initiation.  He read the star charts for the coming year and helped me to plot a course.  He told me what to pay attention to and what to look out for and what opportunities would present themselves for me to accomplish the work that I needed and wanted to accomplish this year.

Seven months have passed and they have been full of lessons and growth and transformation.  And all of it has been easier to navigate and been more productive because I have not been fighting against but, rather working with and accommodating the energy currents affecting me. 

Monday is my birthday and I am taking 9 days off of work (required vacation time).  I am taking the time now, because my birthday is a time when I evaluate and make plans and because my body has settled into the changes from the initiation and I can begin to make long term plans.  But mostly because the currents affecting me right now make me more likely to light something or someone on fire, myself or someone I love.  It seemed prudent to take time away from any external source of pressure. 

Because of my current energetic predisposition, my Elder advised me to take particular care of my body, and I am following his advice.  I am getting plenty of sleep, more than I normally would (and I regularly get eight hours a night).  I am paying close attention to my blood sugar and being more disciplined and thoughtful about eating regularly and better than I normally do.  I am drinking less coffee everyday (and if I have never mentioned it, coffee is my favorite vice of all time). And I am avoiding alcohol for now as well (although I drink very seldom, at times like these it is best to not drink at all).

My point in all of this is that, it helps.  This past Saturday evening I had a small storm of self-doubt.  It was not fun but it was short lived because I was aware of the external energy possibly affecting my emotional state and because my body was well grounded thanks to the advice I was given.  Last night when I turned out the lights to go to sleep, I was bombarded by anger and the desire to set fire (verbally) to someone I love.  It was painful and lasted about an hour but, it did not last longer than that and I did not act on the impulse because “if it is important enough, it will wait”.  I recognized the affects of the energy again and let it go.  It was easier to do that having been given fair warning and having taken good care of my body.

In the next few months I will have a great deal of work to do regarding my initiation and I have worked very hard to be ready to face all of the lessons about to visit themselves upon me.  I will face them when they come but before that, I have an opportunity to create changes in the structure of my daily life that will be lasting.

So I will, with purpose, change the way that I eat, the amount of coffee I drink, and I will rid myself of a life-long addiction.  (My coming grandchild gives me the reason and the coming transit will give me the assistance I need to give up my smoking habit).  I will replace that habit with a new one, yoga. I will strengthen my daily practice by restructuring my daily and weekly routine. 

I have a vision for my future and I will do the work I need to do to allow it to happen.  It helps to have the stars and a really good navigator to help chart the course.  Blessings upon my Elder, Priest and Friend, Ivo Dominguez Jr.  

Freedom

Life has been good this past week, settling into a happy balance and plans for new adventures.  The transformation I have felt has had the surprising affects of new perceptions as well as changes in my internal structures and the way in which I function.  There has been a real change not only in my perspective of who I am but, a freedom that I have never experienced before.  Most notably, I have experienced an inspiration that is far greater in scope than I have ever had. 

At work this past Friday, in a moment of quiet, I wrote on a blank piece of paper the name of my Coven.

The Weavers of the Moonfire

I looked at it and saw the faces of my coven-mates.  As I continued to look at the words and admire how beautiful they are, I saw the title of a novel.  Not only that but, I saw the world in which it takes place, the characters, the plot and the vision that I want to share.

In the past I have written poetry, character sketches and short stories.  Some of which I am quite proud of.  I have tried to write longer pieces of fiction as well but, the stories have always died within the first few pages. The larger work of imagination has always eluded me, until now.

 I think that stories have to tell themselves and the writer is a conduit first, then a craftsman.  I have always been so focused on the responsibility of crafting something of value, and crafting it well, that I have not been able to let the process, the story itself, take on a life first. 

In the past, I have felt the need to constrain, analyze and construct.  In the past few days I have been able to let the secrets of the story remain hidden until they present themselves to me through the act of writing.  I can see glimpses of them in my peripheral thoughts but, I do not feel compelled to catch them and examine them in bright light under a glass in detail.  I can allow them to remain hidden until they are ready to become seen.  And I am enjoying the adventure and the discovery immensely.

It is the difference between wandering in the woods or sitting alone in the windowless silent room in the second grade doing multiplication, because my teacher felt that I was distracted,   (she didn’t understand that I could daydream anywhere and that quiet, gray prison created a stronger need to do so than the classroom…she meant well but, an abacus would have been more helpful).

I am enjoying the feeling of living without chains, or cages, or locked doors.  I am enjoying the freedom of life without constrains.