Our Patriarch

The Patriarch of my family is my Older Brother.  I am not sure when that happened exactly.  Perhaps when our younger brother died suddenly this past summer but, I think it happened long before that. 

He has always been the one who makes everything alright for everyone, no matter what happens.  That is not to say our father hasn’t always been a strong and loving provider.  Or that our grandfathers were not kind and loving men.  Or that the women in our family are not strong, intelligent, powerful women.  All of these things are true.  But somewhere along the way, my older brother became the central pillar that holds up the hall of our House.  He is the Cornerstone of our foundation, the Oak that gives us shelter and security and rest when we are weary.  He is the peace-bringer we look to and the example we aspire to.  He is always there.

And now, when our grandparents are passed and our parents are aging, and the children are becoming adults, and raising little ones of their own (well one at least) the presence of this strong and easy-going man, has become essential to the well-being of our family.

He is the one who spends time with our father, and our mother.  He is the one who steps in to provide love and support our brother’s daughters, he and his love, his wife of 32 years, provide the home and hearth for our aunts, uncles and cousins, and their children and grandchildren to gather, so that our extended family can come together and remember that we are a tribe. There is no judgement, everyone is welcome, everyone is family, and family is everything.

Knowing that he will be there when we are old, when our parents pass, when the girls marry, when the boys become fathers, when our grandchildren too become adults, gives me a sense of peace that I have associated with him since I was a small child.

He is a loving son, husband, father, uncle, coach, friend and brother.  He is a Great Man.  A man of peace, a man of care, a man of humble strength.  I Give Thanks for the Blessing of Our Patriarch.  May the Gods and the Ancestors bless our family with his presence for decades yet to come.  So Mote it Be!

Monsters and Enemies

I am resistant to the thought of another human being as my Enemy.   Not because I cannot see just how horrific humans can behave, but because when we think of another as our Enemy we de-humanize them, we make Monsters of them, and that gives them more Power than they have a right to, but it also makes it easier for me to then treat them as less than my fellow human.  And that can be a slippery slope to me becoming the Monster.  When I am so focused on the Evil that a man can do, I can justify a great deal of Evil behavior myself. 

So, I will not think of 45 as a Monster or as my Enemy but, I will resist his actions and his behavior.  I can Resist his complete disdain for Truth, Liberty, Compassion, Justice, Peace, and the Rule of Law with Passion, Strength, Courage, Compassion, Love, and Truth against the World until there is Peace.

I will hold Compassion for those he harms and threatens with his unrighteous actions.  But  I will also hold Compassion for those who are confused, blind, asleep, and deluded by his deceptions. They are also not my Enemies. I will offer sanctuary to those who feel unsafe, support to those who are weary in the fight, protection to those who need it.  I will seek Truth and Speak Truth and Shout above the Shouting until there is Peace.

We are not the first people to face a human of his ilk, and I do not refer only to the fascists of the last century.  There have been men and women of his sort for as long as humans have existed.  We are all capable of living enthralled to our basest and worst selves and sometimes those humans most enthralled to the shadows within them are the most driven to seek and to gain power. 

Our Ancestors faced such power-mongers, some of them were such power-mongers…and some of us were as well.  We as a species are evolving.  We as individuals are the vehicles for that evolution.  Sometimes the worst of our shadows, in their basest human forms, are the catalysts for that evolution.

45 will eventually die, and perhaps he will be forced to relinquish power before he does so, or perhaps not.  What matters now is our behavior.  In the face of all his wrongdoing, what will we do?  When we look back upon our actions, what will we know about ourselves? 

Let us not become the Monsters we are capable of being, but let us prove to ourselves, to our families, our tribes, our ancestors, to our allies and our Gods, but most of all, let us prove to those poor deluded creatures who cannot see beyond the glamour and deceptions, that we are People of Truth, Peace, Liberty, Justice, Compassion, Courage, Strength and Love.  And let us hold onto Hope.  So, Mote It Be.

Grief and Conflict

We are humans, all of us.  Regardless of our spiritual paths or our religious beliefs, we are not immune to the truth that death is a part of our experience.  We will all lose people we love and we will all have to work through our grief over those losses.  None of us get a pass on this in life.  

Seventeen days ago, my younger brother died unexpectedly and suddenly.  We have shared more than one lifetime together, as well as our bloodline.  I loved Him and we had conflict between us, and we stopped working on our relationship about two decades ago.   

Sometimes we will lose someone we love without warning, with no time to prepare or to say our farewells.  And as is the nature of relationships, either family or lovers or friends, sometimes that loss will be of one with whom we have conflict.  Love and conflict are more often companions than mutually exclusive conditions.  For conflict with one we do not love is often reason enough to walk away from another person but, we will persist in spite of conflict if we love another.  And so, grief is often complicated by unresolved conflict with the one we loved and lost. 

We each grieve in our own way, and in our own time.  For me it is a delayed experience.  For the first two weeks, my perception of reality was surreal, often blurry and out of proportion.  Then life became normal again and my grief began to visit me at night.  When all is quiet and my mind can identify what my heart and soul are actually grieving and, my heart and soul can feel that grief, it is the conflict that I feel, and the pain of that conflict and the anger that it exists. 

Another conflict that accompanies grief is that in moments of unexpected emotional crisis, old habits of behavior, old patterns of relating within the family, reassert themselves.  Conscious effort is required to recognize these habits and patterns and to re-establish newer skills and ways of being.  It challenges my sense of self, and forces me to reexamine my relationships with those whom I love who remain.

I have work to do.  Including the work of reaching out to Him whom I have lost to assist in what way I can, and to ask Him to work with me to make some peace between us before the next life we share.  May our Ancestors and my Gods and Allies bless us and assist us in this work.  Blessed be. 

Y Gwir Yn Erbyn Y Byd!

The Grand Sword of the Gorsedd of Bards 

“Y Gwir Yn Erbyn Y Byd” The Welsh proverb “The Truth against the World” is only the beginning of a ritual litany.   

Before the National Eisteddfod (a bardic competition of singing, recitation and instrumental mastery celebrating Welsh identity, language and culture) can commence, the Gorsedd (gathering) of Bards conducts a ritual in which the Grand Sword (upon which these words are inscribed) is partially unsheathed and laid upon a stone altar.

The call is made “Y Gwir yn Erbyn y Byd!” The Truth against the World!

The response is a question “A oes Heddwch?" Is there Peace?

Then comes the call “Calon wrth Galon!" (Heart to Heart!) and again the question “A oes Heddwch?"

Then finally the call "Gwaedd uwch Adwaedd! A oes Heddwch?” (Shout above the shouting! Is there peace?)  

The Eisteddfod cannot commence until the Gorsedd has declared Peace among them.

These words move me.  I have written before about the meaning that “Truth against the World” holds for me but; this past week I have been thinking about them a great deal.  My Third degree Initiation into my Tradition will occur in two weeks. It is an initiation into Service, as clergy and leadership in my Coven and my Tradition.  It is the beginning of a new leg of my journey. 

And I have been contemplating my purpose in this world in light of this new phase.  “Truth against the World” is a large part of that purpose, but it is only the beginning, only the starting point.  It is not about Truth for truth’s sake but, Truth for the greater purpose of Peace.  My heart calls out for Truth, for Love, for Healing of our World, and for Peace. 

Two days ago I had these words, Y Gwir Yn Erbyn Y Byd, inscribed (tattooed) upon my right forearm in red script, to commemorate the beginning of this stage in my life but, also to remind me every time I see them of my purpose, and of the entire litany.  To remind myself to ask the question “A oes Heddwch?"  Do I bring Peace?

I am not a pacifist, although I respect those who hold that place in our world.  My heart longs for Peace but, not for peace at any cost. Peace without Liberty is not Peace but rather oppression.  My purpose is Peace and Freedom, my purpose is Peace through Truth.  May my Gods, Ancestors and Allies bless me in my purpose.

Y Gwir Yn Erbyn Y Byd!

Spirits of Place

Spirits of Place exist in any natural geologic feature but, those I have always found it easiest to relate to personally have been those connected to bodies of fresh Water and the Land surrounding them.  

My ancient ancestors in South Wales would have perceived the rivers closest to them to be deity.  My parents grew up on the banks of the Susquehannah River (in the North-Eastern part of Pennsylvania) as did many generations before them.  

I grew up near the Delaware River and I now live on the banks of the Schyulkill River. The Leni-Lenape who lived here before us called the River “Turtle Creek”.  The name has the added meaning of “Hidden” or “Refuge”.  

When I first moved here seven months ago, I sought to form a relationship, a connection to the Spirit of this Place and that meant the River and the Land surrounding it. 

I began visiting the banks of the River and found a Sycamore Tree (one of the species of Trees for which I bare a strong affection and affinity).  I made offerings and expressed a desire to build relationship with the River and the Tree and the Land.

At the suggestion of one of my wise and valued teachers, I carved Othala into the soft Earth beneath the Sycamore, then scraped the Earth and the Rune into a bowl.  I collected Water from the River into a jar and brought the Earth and the Water home.

In my bedroom I created an Altar to the Spirit of this Place where I now live.  I placed the Earth and the Water into silver dishes and scribed Othala into them and I placed a small Turtle fetish carved from green stone between them.  Every day that I am home, I light a candle and sing at this Altar, and every day that I can, I visit the Tree and the Riverbank and  I sing there as well.

The Spirit of this Place supports me and I give thanks for this new Friend.  Spirits of Place have been my allies since I was a small child and I give thanks for each one of them.  

a friend of the Fae...

In my experience of my Gods, Ancestors and Allies, the boundaries between Deity, Fae, Animal Spirits, Land Spirits, and Ancestors are blurred.  One may be all of those simultaneously.  The Fae with whom I have relationships are among the Deities that I worship and work with, They are among the Ancestors that I worship and work with, They are Deities of the Land, and They also often present Themselves as Animal Spirits.  Some Deities may be Fae, and some Fae may be Deity. 

I am a friend of the Fae, and I consider Them to be among my relations.  I have had a relationship with One for this entire lifetime, and with two Others for more than this lifetime. And I work with Others that I have come to know since I have walked this path.  

Aside of my own relationships, I am not an authority on the Fae.  I have on occasion been asked by other witches how to go about working with Them, and so I would like to share some of what I have learned through those relationships in the interest of assisting others to avoid doing damage to the relations between our two species.  It is very important to me that the bonds between us be restored and healed. 

Understand that the Fae are different from us and they are, like us, individuals.  Building relationships happens between individuals.  And understanding the differences in how to build relationships is important in order not to do more damage to the relations between us.

 

Until you have built a relationship with an individual and even after, whenever dealing with someone with whom you do not have a relationship, certain guidelines should be respected.  Do not “thank” the Fae, do not accept food or drink, do not offer or give a part of yourself such as hair, or any personal belonging.  Most of all, do not ever make a promise and not do absolutely everything within your power to keep it.

If you are only interested in dabbling, please do not pursue working with the Fae.  They do not take well to being trifled with.  They also do not deal lightly with liars.  That may seem a strong word to apply to fickleness but, in dealing with Them, “changing your mind” or “losing interest” or becoming distracted with some other area of interest, is not an excuse for not keeping your word. 

Building relationships takes time, They will not necessarily respond quickly to your efforts.  But if you truly desire to build a lifelong working relationship with an individual of the Fae, there are some ways in which you might proceed. 

Find a place where there may be Fae nearby.  Find places that feel welcoming.  If the place feels wrong, if you do not feel welcome there, leave and do not return, find someplace else.  Give Them respect and do not invade places where you are not welcome. 

Find Natural places, Wild places, Between places, where water and earth touch, or where sky and earth touch, or where certain trees are known to grow in close proximity to each other.  Visit these places and spend time sitting quietly. 

Take offerings of milk, or spirits (alcohol) or honey.  Take oats and apples and any other offerings that seem right to you.  Play music and sing for them, and spend time waiting and listening.  

Declare your hope and intentions and then, keep your word.  Even if you receive no response.  Even when you think that you have not been heard. Even when you get bored and tired.  Keep showing up and keep waiting and listening.  And when someone shows up, follow the guidelines above. 

Understand that not everyone who may show up is someone with whom you want to build a relationship but, if they prove to be honorable, you must be so as well. 

The Fae with whom I share relationship are beloved to me, and I strive to restore positive relations between our Human species and Thiers.  They have given me guidance and healing and purpose.  I give thanks for Them.

If you desire to know more, I can recommend teachers who can give an even greater understanding of Their kind.  Leave me a comment below including your email address and I will be happy to send you information of where to find such teachers.  Blessed Be.

we belong to the Land...

I grew up on this Land, on Land close to where I now live.  My mother lived in the house I grew up in while she was pregnant with me and I lived there while carrying both of my children.  My body and their bodies were made from the food and water and air of this Land.  

The places where my parents were born hold a feeling of connection for me, and the Land across the sea that my ancestors lived upon before they came to those places holds a beauty for me, calls to me like no other place on this amazing planet we call home. 

The stream in the woods down the road from my childhood home is sacred to me, as is the stream in the woods just up the road from my tree-house.  These places, this Land, is sacred and is a part of me.  The Waters, the Trees, the Soil, the Stones, are a part of my body, always.  The Spirits of these places are a part of my soul, and I am a part of theirs. 

Earth is not only the planet upon which we live, nor an abstract idea of elemental power.  Earth is the Land that we belong to. I give thanks for the Land and for the Earth, my Mother.

Developing Relationships with Deity...and anyone else...

Relationship is the mutual understanding and exchange between two individuals.  The nature of that understanding and exchange is determined by the nature of the individuals involved.  If they are both persons of honor, the exchange is positive.  This is the type of relationship I seek.  Not every individual is honorable, honest, ethical or worthy of respect and trust.  These people, no matter if they are human or other, are best avoided.  That being said, how do I know that the person with whom I am engaging is indeed someone I can trust?

Meeting someone new is always a challenge for me.  I have a default setting of “do not trust”.  That has not changed throughout my life but, I have learned to trust myself and my own intuition and judgment.   Not every person, human or other, is worthy of trust, but many are and if I choose to never trust anyone, I rob myself of a great deal of joy, growth and love. 

That being the case I take a long time to get to know people.  I learn everything I can about them from as many sources as I can. I seek out the worst that anyone has to say about them and the best. I evaluate the motives and veracity of those sources and try to find as many unbiased opinions as I can. I observe their behavior as much as possible when they are most likely to be uncensored.  Then I begin to test the waters to see how they will relate to me.  I test everything they say against my logical and skeptical mind and with my heart and my inner ear and my “gut”.  When I have finally decided to trust someone, I know that this person is worthy of my trust and perhaps of my devotion and loyalty.

 

I believe that the process works for any person, human or other, with whom I may choose to build a relationship.  Most people can be trusted to act according to their nature and if I understand what that is, I can trust that.  I do not expect the Dark Mother to be full of light, I do trust that she will destroy that which does not serve my greater good and so long as I do not fight her work in my life, she will dance with me as gently as possible and as brutally as necessary.  If you invoke a Deity into your life, there is a point at which you must realize that they do not answer to you.  I do not surrender my own free will or my responsibility for my choices.  Just because Deity asks me to do something does not release me of responsibility for it, I still have to choose.

Once I have decided that this is a person of honor and worthy of trust and respect and that I desire to build a relationship, how do I proceed?  I begin by learning everything I can about their nature.  I learn their stories, their history and about their culture and family of origin.  I look at images that they have inspired.  I meditate on them and have a conversation.  I ask them if they will work with me.  I find out what they want from me in return and what they think I can learn from them.  I tell them what I am hoping for.  I am respectful and honest.  They may tell me that they will not work with me at this time, or that what I am asking is not appropriate.  That is not the rejection that it sounds like.  If they are worthy of my desire to build a relationship, then they are worthy of trusting when they tell me no.  

If the happy result is that the Deity I wish to work with indeed accepts my petition, then I continue to learn about them and share my stories with them.  They may very well know a great deal about me but, the act of sharing my truth with them can be an important part of the process.  Sometimes as I hear my own words speak my own truth I can come to a greater understanding of that truth or discover inaccuracies in my beliefs about my life and myself. 

I like to create alters to Deity in my home.  I enjoy using them as a focus for my meditations with that Deity and as a place of devotion to them.  It is my way of telling them and reminding myself that they are welcome in my home and in my life, that my relationship with them is important to me.  And sometimes simply as a visual reminder to my own mind and heart that I am not alone and that I need to spend time in communion with my Gods. 

I spend time there talking with my Gods, sharing my heart, discussing my thoughts and ideas, asking for their guidance and thanking them for their gifts.  I make offerings and honor vows made to them.  I do divinations as a way of receiving their guidance.  I sing invocations or recite poetry that they have inspired in me.  I make offerings to them and create gifts for them.   I sit quietly and listen. 

When learning about the Gods I read as much of the original lore as I can get my hands on and as much academic and historic scholarship as I can find. I read inspirational material as well.  I read it all and give appropriate value to those works written by true scholars.  Personal gnosis is wonderful but it is just that, personal.  Every relationship is unique to the individuals involved.  One witch’s experience of a God is not going to be identical to mine. I also take into consideration that often the lore was written by human beings with limited understanding and perhaps personal bias and conflicting agendas, and I try to focus on the actual stories and not on the narrative commentary in which they may be cloaked.

This is the beginning of my process in developing relationship with my Gods, Ancestors or Allies, be they Deity, Human, Fae or Other.  It is a practice that I consider to be fundamental to my faith and my work.  Relationship is an essential part of my path.  I give thanks for the relationships with which I have been blessed.  Blessed Be.

The Journey...

The foundation of my personal spiritual practice is not something that I do every day (except for a week or two for very specific reasons).  It is something that I did not begin practicing until I was 28 years old, when I read my first book about the path I am now walking.

The Celtic Shaman by John Mathews was a book that I found in a “normal” bookstore in town while attending a very conservative Christian University.  I had moved to South Carolina and was living in a camper off campus in an attempt to complete my degree at the University my parents had sent me to when I left the College in Indiana.  It was a very intense four months of self-discovery and a very painful time of darkness.  In that book I first read the names of my Gods.  I first learned that there were stories and poems about the Gods of my Ancestors.  And through that book I experienced my first Journey into the Otherworlds.  That book changed my life forever.  That Journey and every Journey since saved my life.

For years I had no other practice but journey and building relationships, I did not even write for almost 14 years except for a rare poem or two.  And those Journeys eventually led me to my beloved Coven and Community.  My Patroness has led me through the Journey and I have met many who guide and strengthen me.  

If I lost all else, I would still have my relationships with my Gods, my Ancestors and my Allies, I would still have joy in my heart and the sustaining practice of the journey.
I give thanks for all of those with Whom I have relationship and for the new Allies I meet as I continue my journey on this path.  Blessed am I on this path.  

So Mote it Be

I spent New Year’s Eve the way I do every year, doing magick and journeying all night to gain guidance from my Gods, Ancestors and Allies. I look back on the past year to remember the lessons and the moments of profound joy and the moments of understanding.  I seek to hear the voices of those who guide me to discover what they would have me do, where I should focus my attention and efforts. 

This year I am in the process of doing the work to accomplish my third degree initiation.  This year They have given me more than guidance, this year They have given me specific imperatives.  In every area of my life there are specific things that I must accomplish if I would follow ALL that they require of me.

I must be writing every day.  I must be actively crafting poetry and create at least one poem each month.  I must write at least one chapter of the novel and one short story each month. I must journal every day; I must post to the Journeys of the Runes and Stories from the Cauldron each month.  I must post to Exploring the Other Side of the Looking Glass each week and I must post to this blog for the Pagan Experience each week.  I must finish the book and submit it to a publisher before the year is out.  I must read my poetry in a public forum. 

I must find opportunities to connect with my local community.  I must engage in broader community and with family and friends each month.  I must begin to engage in opportunities to teach.  I must begin to read the Runes for others and improve my ability to communicate the things they tell me so that others may understand what they have to say to them. I must complete the first year of Shamanic training that I have committed to for the next two years.

I must spend time outdoors each week and I must journey each week.  I must continue my daily practice and adapt it when necessary.  I must visit the Sweat Lodge and make use of the opportunities that my astrological transits present to me to grow. I must complete my staff and I must strengthen my relationship with fire by learning new skills and engaging with the element directly.

I must care for my mundane life by being diligent in doing the things that are necessary.  By saving for retirement and keeping food in the house and seeing my chiropractor and getting a massage more often. 

There are many things that I have hoped to do over the past years, and some I have accomplished and some I have not.  But imperatives from those who guide me are not to be left to chance, they are vows of intent and naming them on this blog is the equivalent to stating intention in sacred space because for me this is sacred space.  And words said in sacred space hold power over us until they have come to pass.  I will accomplish those things my Gods, Ancestors and Allies have given to me to accomplish in this coming year by diligently applying myself to my commitments day by day.  So Mote it Be.

Valour

Valour is an old word, and an old idea.  It is the idea of courage in the face of danger.  Of honor in the face of adversity.  But for me it is also about truth in the face of injustice.  It is inspired righteous anger and the will compelled to action.  And the choice to accept the consequences of that action.  

Valour is not courage for the self, but for the defense, protection and freedom of those who are valued above and beyond the self.  Valour is a virtue to which I aspire.  May my Gods, my Ancestors and my Allies grant me the grace to rise to their call to Valour.

Twrch Trwyth

My family totem is the Wild Boar.  I know what you are thinking, “Who would want a Boar as a totem animal?”  Not me, at least not at first.  In fact, it took me a long time to understand the great honor it is to have that creature as the Spirit of my bloodline.

In Welsh mythology the Boar is the gift of the Gods to humans.  It represents the Warrior Spirit.  In all of the stories, the fiercest animal of all is Twrch Trwyth, the Wild Boar.

It is not a predatory creature, but it is fierce and unyielding.  It is dangerous and wild, strong and unstoppable.  It is noble and brave. 

The Boar is not a creature that can be used other than as food.  The only way a Wild Boar serves mankind is through its death, to feed the tribe.  Hunting the Wild Boar can be fatal if the hunter is not also smart, skilled, careful, and lucky.  Many strong, brave men have died early deaths in the attempt to bring down the great creature.

The Boar is close to the Earth and has sharp tusks and cloven hooves.  It forages for food and is not easily domesticated.  If a domesticated sow is bred in captivity with a domesticated boar and then escapes captivity, the piglets she births will be wild, even in their physical appearance. 

I would have wished for a Wolf, or a Stag, or a Horse, or some other “Great Creature” as the Totem Spirit of my family but, I have come to understand and embrace the great and noble Spirit that is Twrch Trwyth.  His image is the tattoo I wear to honor my first degree initiation.  I wear a bronze amulet with his image to honor my clan.  He reminds me that I too am a warrior, brave and strong and noble, fierce and unyielding and unstoppable.

Hail Twrch Trwyth!  Hail the Wild Boar!

Survival

This summer has been an amazing season of growth, self-exploration, and self-discovery.  I have been learning a great deal about who I am and how to be All of who I am.  My forty-ninth birthday is just around the corner, my work on my third degree has moved from the first steps to the beginning of the path, and I have begun to See how my visions of my future might come to pass. 

But I have also had to look at the past, in this life and in others.  And I have come to see that I am a Survivor.  I am proud of that.  Survivor does not mean victim, it does not mean wounded, it does not mean damaged.  Survivor means Strong, it means ALIVE, it means Unconquerable and Unbreakable.

In this lifetime I have Survived;

Clinical depression,

Suicidal obsession and attempts,

Compulsive self-medication,

Self-destructive patterns of high-risk behavior,

Sexual assault,

My own Rage,

Compliance with the decisions of others,

The loss of my children,

Two years under the power of an extreme, militant, fundamentalist, baptist preacher and his followers.

Years of silencing my own self and hiding from my own power,

And the voices in my head that are, and that are not, my own.

I am ALIVE, I am Happy, and I am finally beginning to live my life the way I was meant to all of these years.  I have Survived because I am Stronger than any of those things. 

My Gods, my Ancestors, my Allies, and my Community have all had a hand in helping me to learn to live but, I am the one who Survived to learn. 

I share these things with you because, if you are reading this, you might be living in shadow, you might be looking for the candles. You might have experienced depression or assault; you might feel that you are weak, or damaged.  You might believe that dying is your only option to end the pain, or the fear, or the despair.  You might even think that you deserve nothing good, and that you are destined to be alone and in pain for the rest of your life. 

But I would point out that, you have Survived.  If you are reading this, you are Alive.  You are a Survivor!  You are Strong and Unconquerable, and Unbreakable. YOU are the Beauty to be found in the Darkness!  Nothing is stronger than that!

Retrieving pieces of the Soul

Playing with the North Wind by Susan Sedon Boulet

Yesterday I drove to Maryland to see a beautiful young woman who works as a Shaman.  She is also a trained psychologist but, it is her relationships with the Spirits and her skills as a healer that were the impetus for my making the two and a half hour drive after working for five hours at the end of a long week.  The resulting ritual was well worth the drive and more.

We had discussed my reasons for seeing her when we made the appointment, but when I arrived we talked about the things that I have done and learned since our last conversation.  When we went to her ritual room, I was immediately comfortable.  She explained her process and invited me to lie on the floor on a deer skin she had laid out for that purpose (deer are facilitators of transformation and it is an old practice).

 Then she began to call the Quarters and the Elements and the Earth Mother and the Ancestors and the Fae and the Spirits of place, and the Deities with whom she works.  Her voice singing clear and bright, they answered and came to the place to assist her in my healing.

She merged with Bear and began working at the place of my ancestors.  Her rattle moving in a rhythm that spoke to me on a level that I have rarely attained in the company of another person.  She asked me about the Large Black Cat at my feet and I told her that Pwca has been known to travel to me when there is something he wishes to participate in.

She described a Grandfather whom I have not met but, who was familiar and comfortable to me.  She used her drum to follow him deeper into Annwfn and He led her through tunnels (my ancestors were coal-miners) to find a piece of me that had been separated (compassion) and she returned it to me by blowing it into my heart and my head.  She then placed a large piece of black tourmaline at my feet. I find it interesting that the grief I feel over the loss of my children during their childhood is shared with my ancestors.

She then began to work on my root charkha discovering and removing the barbed wire that was wrapped around it and placing two pieces of red jasper on either side of my hips. 

She re-connected the three separate lights that are my sacral charkha and placed a large piece of polished carnelian over my womb. 

The message I received from her after working on my solar plexus is that it is strong when used to support me or to push me forward to do my work but, that I have kept it trapped rather than expressing it into the world.  There she placed a piece of bright yellow, sparkling sulfur.

When she began to work on my heart, my Patron came to sit beside me facing her with my heart between them.  She carefully examined the boxes she found there.  Some so old and untouched that they are locked and dusty and covered in spiders webs.  Gwynn would have had her break into each one (He can be a bit demanding at times) but, she knew that it needs to be done gently and not all at once.  This is work I need to do.  So she placed a smooth, oval, red and green stone over it after letting in as much sunlight as she could.

After the work on my heart I began to feel cold and my body began to convulse occasionally.  She made no comment to indicate that was concerning to her and so I did not feel a need to close down.  I wept occasionally as we discussed the damage and the work I need to do, and again, she seemed unconcerned and so I allowed it to happen as it would.  My ears began to hear a rushing sound and my body felt buzzing and I felt dizzy.  All of these are signs to me that energy is moving and healing is occurring in a profound way.

When she worked on my throat, she found “bobby-pins” at the back of my neck.  She thought she had used the wrong word but, I know she did not as those are things I associate with my mother and her desire that I be a “good girl” never “TOO LOUD or TOO BIG”.  She removed them and placed a piece of celestite beside my throat. 

After she worked on my third eye, we discussed some ways I might find useful in opening it when it is being stubborn, then she brushed me with her owl’s wing and removed the energy binding my entire spine. 

When we began to work on my crown she called to her Deities, some of whom I work with as well and invited me to use all of my names and call to my Gods and Allies.

Athena came to her and offered Her approval and Her assistance in finding wisdom when I am angry, to know how to use it and how not to misuse it, as that was one of the reasons I sought this healing.  She blew into my heart and my head again and filled me with “millions of golden skeleton keys”.  

One of the final lessons from this work is my need to establish strong boundaries and a stronger sense of self so that, when I shape-shift to meet the needs of those I serve, or to "get the work done" I can remember to return to who I am and not lose that to "what I can do, or what I can be".  I need not lose myself to my own talents.  

When the ritual was done, she offered her thanks and closed the gates that she had opened.

We visited for a while as I ate a little and drank before making the drive home.  It was a quiet and easy drive in the dark and when I arrived home Pwca cuddled beside me and I slept better than I have in months.

I give thanks for Pwca, for Gwynn ap Nudd, for Athena, for Bear and most especially for Monika Lonely Coyote.  

Propitiation and Petition

My strongest Magick is not operative but, rather relational, so that is how I work.

When something compels me to act, engages my will to actually use power, I go to my Gods and to my Ancestors and to my Allies.  I go to Those with Whom I have relationship. 

I make offerings to my Gods and to my Ancestors and to my Allies as a part of my daily practice, as a part of building and maintaining relationships.  Speaking to Them and listening to Them and spending time with Them is also part of that.  I rarely ask Them for specific gifts or blessings or “intervention”. 

They are not generally disposed to interfering in the world in that way, and it would be insulting to ask Them for what I should be doing through my own hard work.  But when I am moved (and there must always be a strong emotional compulsion for me to engage my will), I will commit Rites of Petition and Propitiation for Their intervention in my world and in the lives of those that are mine own, or in the life of one whose story has moved me so.  I do not ask Them to act in a situation but rather, for an individual.   

I believe that propitiation works, I believe that petition, made on the behalf of another, works.  And if my warrior’s heart is engaged (because that is what it takes for me to use power) if my will is compelled to act, I believe that They will hear me and will answer.

My offerings might be of my own food supply, spirits (alcohol) that I know They will enjoy, an act of service to my community, or perhaps my own blood.  Whatever is of value to them and to me (for if I do not value that which I give, They will never be moved to grant my petition) .  

My petitions will be for the highest purpose I can articulate.  I make an impassioned argument for the rightness of my request.  I argue for the need and for the benefit to the family or  to the community, and to Them and the work They wish to be done.  I get downright demanding, and when They make demands in return, I make the vows that They require, and then I live up to those vows.  

I have even been questioned during a Rite, about whether or not I would still want that which I was asking for, if it meant making a sacrifice (of something I desire, not something that would cause harm) .  I answered yes, and yet that vow was never required.  Sometimes they just want to test your commitment, your conviction., or to teach you.

Understand that Rites such as these are not to be undertaken lightly.  Intercession has a price.  If one is going to begin to make petition, one must be willing to pay the price requested.  I have never been denied, however propitiation is never only that which I have offered.  There is always a cost that is determined by Them.  

That being said, the price has always resulted in more understanding and growth for me and deepening of my relationship with Them.  They never stop teaching me.  And I give thanks.

Othala; the Heart of the Ancestors

The Following is a journey I took last year after the premature birth of my granddaughter.  I work with the Runes as part of my daily practice.  I  work with my Ancestors as part of my daily practice.  And  journeys like this are a foundation of my personal practice.   I wanted to share this with you because it is a part of me and my work of Finding Light among the Shadows.

I stepped through the door and into the Otherworld.   I looked at my feet.  I was barefoot and the grass beneath my feet was soft and brown.  I wore a simple woolen dress of my family tartan, and a bronze amulet of a boar, my family’s totem, hung over my heart on a ribbon of red silk. 

I looked around me and found myself in an autumn evening at twilight.  The woods nearby were almost bare and the path in front of me led over a grassy hill.  I followed the path over the hill and on the other side found a low round-house with a thatched roof.  The windows glowed with warm light and wood-smoke rose from the chimney into the evening air and smelled like home.

When I found the doorway, the wooden beam above was carved with a crescent and v-rod like the tattoo on my back, the side beams with a trisckle on the left and a spiral on the right. An equal-armed cross decorated with knotwork adorned the threshold and a red whole-cloth blanket quilted with a dragon covered the door.  I pulled the blanket aside and entered, letting it drop back into place behind me and looked around.

The roof was supported by a network of straight beams in a concentrically spiraling starburst pattern, the walls were stone and the floor was covered in rugs of braided wool rags like my great-grandmother used to make when I was a child.  Glowing oil lamps and books filled the small wooded shelves around the walls, and musical instruments hung from the beams supporting the roof.  

A fire danced brightly in the small hearth, warming the entire house. In front of the hearth sat a small wooden table with a white linen table-cloth, and on it, my grandmother’s teapot in robin’s egg blue and two miss-matched cups.   Beside the table I saw a basket made like the rugs, of braided woolen rags and inside the basket, a babe wrapped in a yellow blanket crocheted like my Nanna had made it.  The infant slept peacefully, breathing easily, safe and warm and blissful. 

As I turned to leave, something flashed on the edge of my sight.  I turned again to see on the mantle above the hearth, an egg of garnet.  It was deep and clear and smooth and it seemed to glow from the inside.  As I continued to gaze at the stone, I heard music and a voice speaking to me of the “heart-stone”, the heart of my ancestors.  The stone will receive the energy I send to it and it will serve as a source of power for the ancestors to protect the child, to heal and bless the babe in the basket.  

When the music and the voice stilled, all was quiet once more and as I pulled back the blanket covering the door, I noticed my grandmother’s garnet ring upon my hand.  

I went back out into the night and followed the path back the way I had come.

No More Pretending...

When you are different, it is sometimes easier to pretend, for the sake of others, that you are other than your nature. 

Pretending can be a useful strategy for making others more comfortable, and to get them to leave you alone. When they are not bothering you, you can spend your energy doing as you please, rather than constantly reassuring others or dealing with their questions, their concerns, their judgments or their wishes.  Stealth is also very useful because it allows you to accomplish what you want with less effort and less conflict.  It allows you to get things done without direct opposition. 

The problem with spending years in stealth mode and with pretending to be what everyone else is comfortable with, is that it becomes a habit so entrenched in your life, a pattern so deeply imbedded, that you might forget that it's not who you truly are.  And breaking that habit will take a lot of hard work.

It will take diligence and perseverance and sometimes, what may seem to be rather extreme measures.  It will take courage and intent and more hard work.  It may cause anxiety, fear, confusion, panic, more confusion, for yourself but, also for those around you. 

You will have to deal with those you love feeling afraid because you are no longer speaking or behaving in the way that they have come to expect, nor in the way that they want you to.

And you will feel awkward, because walking around as you is much different that walking around as the person you have been pretending to be. 

You might wear different clothes, different shoes, have a different posture, a different gait, a different voice that may sound strange to your ears.   You may even find yourself giving voice to thoughts you have only ever heard inside your own head before, and that will be strange too.

I am done pretending to be small.  I am done pretending to be timid. I am done pretending to be weak.  I am done being quiet.  I am done being what someone else is comfortable with.   I am done with the comfort of stealth mode, with the comfort of pretending. I am done with the comfort of habit. 

I am done living a half-life that belongs to someone else.  It is time to begin living my life as truthfully, as openly, as loudly, as largely, as I will.  No More Pretending.

If you are one of my beloveds, consider this fair warning.  I am larger than you have perceived, braver than you have guessed, stronger than you have imagined, louder than you may be comfortable with, and more powerful than you may wish.  I promise to be patient with you as you become accustomed to me.  I love you and I want you in my life, but I will continue to keep pushing until I have found how to live with the integrity that my Gods, my Ancestors and my own Soul require.  

So Mote It Be.