In the past few months, two of my teachers have revealed to me impressions they had when they first met me (and ever since). They are not wrong but, to be honest, it is a bit unsettling to be told that the secrets you thought you kept well hidden are not.
After one of my teachers mentioned the Sorrow that I have carried through too many lives, (and the image she described was intimately familiar to me), I went searching with the intention to fully know it and release it.
Since then, I have journeyed to the Temple of Sorrows twice more. When I first returned to the Queen I found her as I had left her, but weighed down with guilt and shame. She showed me more of what her “sins” had been, and I spoke with her about the lifetimes we have spent in “penance” and that the time for forgiveness and peace had come. That she had taught me compassion and that she could let go now. The crack in the ceiling of the Temple widened and I embraced her and promised to return again and left her.
I returned once more with the intention of transforming her through the fire of sunlight into ashes that would rise as a Phoenix. This was the image given to me by my teacher and it was my expectation and my hope. I found the Queen in white, calm and almost smiling but when the ceiling opened fully and let in the light, it was moonlight and not sunshine. Instead of a blaze of flame and ash, instead of the Phoenix rising, there was sparkling white light and a dove flew away into the starlit sky.
I expected the Temple to be empty. That the work was complete…but of course it is never that simple. When I turned to leave, someone else stood before me, someone full of pain and rage and fear. So the work continues, as it always will until I have finished with this life.
I have been chronicling my exploration into my sexual identity on another blog,
After reading one of my posts about a recent discovery, another of my teachers had commented that she had known that I harbored a vast amount of untapped anger. The work that I have ahead of me will not surprise her.
Most people are blind. Most people cannot see even a little past the glamours built over decades, let alone those built over lifetimes. That is why it is so necessary to have teachers with vision and the courage to be honest about what they see, when you are ready to hear it.
I give thanks for wise teachers, for the Gods who have led me to them and for the Queen of the Abyss. Blessed Be.