Leap of Faith

I have done something foolish.  Or at least my pessimistic, doubting, Eyore voice tells me that it was foolish.  I have left my job without another offer on the table.  There are a few offers pending, I hope.  But as of yesterday, I do not have a job.  I have enough money to pay the rent and the bills for a while, I have a few job offers pending and there are a few positions that I can take to get by, if it comes to that.  I have parents, siblings and an ex-husband and friends who will not let me fall on my face.  But I have no clear picture of the future, no guarantee in writing.  No sure-thing plan.

This was a leap of faith.  It was a response to my body, heart, soul, mind, and lower self.  I should think I would be panicked right now.  I should think that my middle, talking self would be screaming at me to “take it back”.  But I am not panicked, not even middle self.  I am calm and peaceful and I feel well.  I slept well, I am eating, I did not empty my stomach this morning as soon as I got out of bed. I no longer feel in danger.

The divination that I have done shows me that this is the right action.  My parents and others whose opinions and advice I respect also support me in this.  But mostly my body tells me that this was necessary and that it will all be ok.

I will be spending my days actively pursuing employment. I will be spending time cleaning and organizing my home and spending time with my Pwca. I will be spending time in the natural world as well.  I will be spending time reading and writing and doing magick to bring a healthy and prosperous job. I will take advantage of the time until I start the new job (the one I do not have yet) to re-set my energetic state and that of my home, to do magick to cleanse myself, heal myself and prepare myself.  

I am also hoping to use it to spend time with some of my loved ones who I have not been able to enjoy since this past challenge began.  Isolation has been one of the worst aspects of it.  I have been suffocating and now I need to breathe. 

This is a thing I could never have seen myself doing.  I am more than a little surprised at myself for being able to step out of the situation without a clear plan, a guaranteed safety net.  I had been looking for the lessons and this was never one I had imagined but, I am glad that I made the leap.  

Journeys of the Runes

I have begun a new blog focused upon the Elder Futhark and the Journeys I have taken inspired by the Runes.  Join me there if you like.  

http://journeysoftherunes.blogspot.com/

This blog will continue to stay on point regarding my spiritual journey through the Shadows and the Light.

Good Journeys and Blessed Be.

Following my Inner Voice; Instinct and Intuition

I have been struggling lately with a life change that I pursued because I thought it was what I was supposed to do.  I followed other people’s direction, despite a nagging feeling in my gut (and by that I mean not only my lower self but, my middle and upper selves as well) that made me ambivalent about the change.  I took a new position at my job.  The pay was more, it was a promotion and all indications were that it would be good for me and for my future. 

So, I ignored my own instincts and my own intuition.  I followed other people’s direction and after two months I have come to realize that I was horribly wrong to do so.  I spent the past two months struggling to make it feel right.  Trying every strategy and spell I know.  Being patient and settling in and waiting for the stresses of change to pass.

In the past, I would have just kept showing up, and pushing through.  But I can’t seem to do that anymore.  Before I would have waited until I suffered a break so bad that I would have needed to spend months or even longer recovering.   I am no longer willing to do that damage to myself before making a change.  I don’t like change.  I don’t usually initiate change unless I am so uncomfortable that it is impossible not to do so.   

My intuition tells me that this is now the case.  That I am this uncomfortable because I would not make the changes I need to otherwise.  My instinct tells me that I am not safe, that I am not where I should be.  And it is time for me to start listening to my own inner voices. 

I have done divination to verify these impressions and I have received messages that I am protected in this unhealthy situation but, that change is needed without delay.  The message is that danger and illness surround me and that I will be protected but, only as long as necessary to change the situation, that choices will be the result of diligent pursuit and the application of my own strength and steadfast nature.   The “right” course of action is action, not waiting, not fighting.

I have been aggressively seeking other employment for the past ten days with no responses from any of the two dozen or so applications and resumes I have submitted.  Today I followed my intuition and took off from work.  I submitted an application on speculation and was called within the hour.  Less than two hours later I was sitting across from a very nice young man interviewing for a position that seems to be just what I am hoping for.
   

The money is likely to be slightly less but, the rest of the situation sounds ideal.  Money is important, but only in that I need enough to support myself and my companion.   There are so many other considerations that are equally important to me.  Being in a situation that is healthy for me is most important. 

If I had not been listening to my inner voice I would be continuing to expend my energy fighting to survive in an unhealthy environment.  I would not have submitted that application this morning.  I would not have been available to take the phone call or to interview this afternoon.  I would still be trying to fix my own shortcomings (because of course, that is the reason that I am unhappy where I am, not that the energy is toxic). 

I have learned some very important lessons, lessons that I am very grateful to have learned without having to suffer injury.  I have learned that I need to put my own instincts and intuition above the advice or agendas of others.  I have learned that I need to pay attention and not to ignore my inner voice.  I have learned that the knot in my center has important things to tell me and I have learned how to listen and to act without having to experience cataclysmic upheaval before recognizing the need and making a change.

The body is a great communicator of inner wisdom.  If I feel it in my body, I need be listening to it and following where it leads me.  I give thanks for lessons learned and for surviving them without damage.  And I give thanks for the opportunities to come.

Heroic Nature and Other Gifts

I would like to write about being courageous in the face of adversity.  I would like to say that, when faced with difficulty and the threat of conflict, I charged boldly ahead, heedless of the danger or the consequences.  I would like to be a devout believer who can jump off the cliff in perfect faith that I will be provided with protection or the ability to fly.  I would like to be a great warrior and desire nothing so much as a glorious death.

I have great admiration and respect for those courageous souls whose nature it is to charge forward, never weighing the costs nor measuring the power of their adversary.  Something in my heart is moved by the heroic ballads.  I fell in love with Beowulf in college and my feelings for him have not changed.  Heroic nature is a gift, but I have gifts as well.

I am not a great warrior.  I am not that full of faith nor that full of courage.  What I am, is cunning, calculating and capable of seeing most of the angles and planning for contingencies.  I am a survivor.  I am good at stealth and secrets.  I am good at self preservation.  I am good at protecting myself and others with silence.  I am good at quietly seeking freedom and attaining it without injury.

Sometimes I feel as though I should apologize to my gods or my ancestors or to those who are great warriors, as if what I am is an insult to them in some way, as if my way of surviving was somehow dishonorable.  But I do not believe that survival is dishonorable. I do not believe that secrets are deception, or that silence is always surrender. 

I come from a family of secret keepers.  I come from a family of hunters and pacifists and soldiers and bards.   The lessons of the owl, the fox, the cat, the deer, these are the lessons of silence, stealth, patience and survival.  These are my gifts.  Honor, valour, loyalty, discretion, subtlety and tenacity, these are also my gifts.

Secrecy is a gift.  I keep secrets.  Not just my own, but the secrets of others as well.  I consider it to be a sacred charge, a great honor, to be entrusted with the secrets of another.  Those who have secrets sometimes need to be able to share them without fear of betrayal.  For me, this is a point of honor, to not betray another’s confidence. 

Silence is a sacred gift.  To keep silence when to speak is not necessary or beneficial.  To sit in silence and listen, to keep my own council and to allow another to speak without intruding upon their thoughts, without giving my opinion or advise unless it is expressly requested.  To allow another the space and support to speak, to cry, to rage, without judgment or comment, this too is honor. 

Patience is a gift. Being able to see the angles and to plan quietly for contingencies helps me to survive, helps me to protect others.  Sometimes freedom can only be gained through careful and quiet planning.  Patient endurance, watching and waiting for the opportune moment to act is sometimes a more effective path to success.  

Survival is a gift.  I continue on, regardless of the great power of my adversary, I survive.  I do so by stealth, by being unseen in the dangerous place, by being mistaken for that which is no threat to power. 

Tenacity is a gift; I can be moved by inspiration or persuasion, but not by force.  I become contrary when pushed.  I may choose to follow one whom I respect, I may choose to risk much for the sake of that which I love, but I cannot be compelled. 

Subtlety is a gift, because I respond contrary to force, persuasion is my preferred means of moving others, of accomplishing my goals.  By seeming to be small and inconsequential I can accomplish more with subtlety and with thoughtfully and carefully chosen words, spoken softly, as a whisper in the ear. 

Discretion is a gift, so is valour.  I can be moved to valour, not simply courage, but valour.  I will rise and risk all for the sake of those whom I hold dear, but only when the need is real, only for a cause worthy of the risk.  Loyalty is a gift.  I am fiercely loyal to those who have earned my devotion, and they are the ones who can call me to valour.

These gifts might sound strange to you.  They are not what many would consider to be gifts at all but, in the long fight, they get the job done, often with much less conflict, less damage.    

Force, sound, light and action, these are the principles that I have been challenged to learn and to express. And I have discovered that I cannot do so in the way that another would.  I need to express my force, my voice, my light, my truth, my active will; with my gifts and in my way. 

Change without conflict, success without damage, resistance without bloodshed, revolution without war, building without destruction, transformation without cataclysm, this to me is the desired means of evolution.

Using my own gifts, learning to express my own will from the light that exists inside me, from my own place of strength and not from some external source or some idea of what I should be.  It is the union of polarities within me, not replacing my own light with that of another.

Seeking Community

Human beings require contact with other human beings.  Even the most private and introverted human being, and I fit that description as well as most, needs contact with others to be healthy.  My younger brother, who is the only person I know more “anti-social” than I, needs his wife and his daughters to be happy.  In some of the worst prisons on the planet, solitary confinement is one of the most severe punishments possible.  Next to physical torture and perhaps worse than execution; solitary confinement is considered by many to be a form of psychological, emotional and mental torture.  Infants who are deprived of human contact will fail to thrive and eventually die.

 

As I have said, I am a very private and introverted person.  You might doubt the truth of that statement considering the nature of this experiment and the things I have shared here but, I began this exercise as a way of reaching out and connecting with my Community, as a way of contributing to the Great Work.  It is actually more comfortable to write about anything from the solitude of my home, from the peace and quiet and tranquility of my room with only my Pwca to engage with physically and energetically, than to attend a social gathering regardless of how fond I may be of the others in attendance.

 Solitude is a beautiful thing and necessary for my well being, but isolation is not healthy for me.  I need to engage, to connect with my family, my friends, my beloveds, just as I need to connect with my Gods, my Ancestors and my Allies.  I was a solitary practitioner for many years and while I was very happy with my life and my path, I had reached a crossroads on my journey, a turning point that resulted in my seeking out community. 

I had to be pushed and prodded (by my Patrons) to overcome my discomfort with strangers enough to attend a ritual with a group of people. I made a couple of false starts, I attended two very different rituals with two very different groups but neither one was the right place for me.  I joined a small group of witches and met my soul sister, my Anam Cara, but the group was short lived and inappropriate to my nature. I considered myself fortunate and blessed to find a soul-friend and retreated to my previous solitary practice. 

But the Lady and Lord were not content with this.  They knew, if I did not, that I needed community to continue to grow.  They knew that without community I would stagnate.  Without the catalyst of others, without the drive to serve, without purpose and intent, I would not evolve as they intended me to. They are wise. 

Eventually, I walked into the house of my High Priestess, whom I had never met, and participated in a Mabon Ritual with about a dozen other people whom I had never met.  That was the moment that I found the Weavers of the Moonfire and eventually the Assembly of the Sacred Wheel.  Less than a year later I was dedicated.  I am now a Bonded member and Second Degree Initiate of my Coven and Tradition. 

Solitary practice is both beautiful and rewarding and most of my practice remains solitary simply because I live alone (except for my Pwca).  My personal work is done alone most of the time but, I am never really alone and that is one of the wonders of community.  My work affects my entire Coven, and to some extent my entire Tradition.  The work my coven-mates do for their own growth affects me.  I would not be challenged, as I often am, if it were not for my commitment to serve my Community. 

Without the challenge of nurturing others, I would not understand my own needs.  Without the challenge of interacting with others and their energy, I would not have learned to know my own energy and my own magick beyond the level that I had achieved until then.   Without my High Priestess to push my boundaries,  and her completely other nature to my own, I would not have the wisdom of a point of view so different to mine.

The thing I remember most was the amazing surprise I felt at the feeling of having come home among those strangers.  My life is about relationships and I give thanks for the relationships I have with my Beloved Moonfire and Assembly.  Community is an amazing gift.  It gives me a place to grow and to learn and to become so much more than the person I am without them.

If you are walking this path, if you are walking alone, even occassional contact with communiy can support you in your work and on your journey.  Do not be afraid to seek it.  It can take many forms and it can be what you need it to be.   It can help bring light to the shadows.

“One Spirit in the dark, like a candle wavers, many Spirits joined as One, burn with the power of the blazing Sun.  There is strength in Community, a Circle empowering you and me. The Circle binds, yet sets us free. In the Goddess’ name, so mote it be.” (Pagan chant-Author unknown)

“It only takes a spark to get a fire going, and soon all those around can warm up to its glowing, that’s how it is with God’s love, once you’ve experienced it, to share His love with everyone, you want to pass it on.” (Christian song-Author unknown. Remembered, from summer camp as a child, this past Sunday around the fire ring with my Coven celebrating the Full Moon and the Summer Solstice.)

Goddess or God, Pagan or Christian, we are Human and Devine, and Love is the Highest Law.  

Summerland

I was very fortunate to grow up in Pennsylvania.  The place I grew up was more rural than not. I now live in a small town not far from my parents' home and I am still very fortunate in that the borough in which I live is a small town surrounded by mostly rural townships.  I do not take any of this for granted.  I do not believe I would thrive in an urban environment.

But I do not take advantage of the blessings of my surroundings as much as I could.  I drive to work 5 or 6 days a week. I work all day in an enclosed building (banks do not have windows that can be opened). I drive home and eat something and I spend time with my Pwca, reading or writing and performing my daily practice.  On Sundays (the one day the bank is closed) I spend an hour or two at a place beside a stream in the woods at a park 5 minutes away by car.  I take offerings and I sing and I listen. 

These visits are completely necessary for my well being and my health, and for nurturing my relationships with the Fae. They are also necessary for nurturing my soul, my spirit, my relationship to my Self.  They are healing and learning and life giving. It is there that I can breathe in the air and hear the trees and smell the water and feel the sunlight and watch the Herons glide silently with strength and grace.  It is there that I can remember the magick I felt as a child.  And it is there that I can feel it once again and reconnect with the universe within and without. 

Summer is a time when the magick of life is full to overflowing.   The air is warm and fragrant. The trees are in full leaf in a million shades of green.  Fish swim in the deep waters and birds fly in the blue sky.  Deer run through the woods and foxes too.  Fawns come out of hiding to follow their mothers.  At twilight, fire-flies rise from the grasses to blink in peridot green to find each other and fulfill their life-purpose (to mate). 

I love summer in the natural world.  I love walking barefoot in the grass and in the mud and feeling the breeze on bare arms and dangling bare legs in cool water flowing by.  I love sitting in the shade of the trees and hearing the wind whisper in the leaves.  I love watching the sunlight create stars on the surface of the water. 

The past few weeks I have been working at a new place and the drive to and from work is longer.  I can no longer retreat to my home in the middle of the day, and when I get home I am tired and sore.  But I need to spend more time walking outside.  Some things are just more important than how tired and sore I might feel. 

I am going to try to walk for a few minutes after work every day.  There is a cemetery on a hill behind my home and I am going to visit there each evening.  The Summerland is a name Pagans sometimes use to refer to the place our souls may go after incarnation, or that our spirits might visit between incarnations.  It is a place of beauty and peace and rest, full of pleasures and fruit and flowers. But the word invokes in me the life of summer in the land where I live, where I have lived my entire life.  I need to spend some time everyday in the land of summer…at least until the Wheel turns again.

Hedonism

I am a hedonist.  Perhaps not in the classic definition, I don’t believe that pleasure is the only good thing, the only goal worthy of pursuit.  But I do believe that pleasure and joy and happiness are noble goals.  I believe that I am in this body, in this incarnation to experience the physical, the emotional, the intellectual and the inspirational.  Pleasure and pain, loss and longing, joy and grief, happiness and sorrow, love and despair are all worth experiencing, this is about how very important it is to experience the physical pleasure of life.  This is about the treasures that I experience because I am alive.

The silky sweetness of a piece of chocolate melting on my tongue and the first sip of coffee, warming me from the inside as it travels down my throat to my belly.

The breeze drifting in through open windows and greeting me in my bed and the comfort of warm soft blankets against my skin.  The sound and vibration of my Pwca curling up against me and purring until he falls asleep and the warmth and softness of his fur against my hand.

Birdsong outside my windows in the morning and the chirping of crickets at night.  The wind whispering in the leaves of trees and water dancing over rocks in the stream and heavy rain drumming against the earth.

The cool, heavy stone in the palm of my hand, the light of the sun or the moon shining in the window and reflecting off the crystal bowl of water on my alter.  The light of the candles flickering and the scent of incense drifting in my room.  The sound of my prayers as I sing them in the evening and the feeling of power emanating from my body to make those prayers.

The sparkle of water on my skin in sunlight and the feeling of the breeze making the droplets dance.  The sound and light and color of snowfall and of sunrise and stars sparkling in the clear night sky.  The glow and crackle of a wood-fire and the voices of beloveds singing and laughing and talking into the evening.  The feeling of a favorite dress moving as I dance.  The silky coolness of mud between my toes. 

The kiss of a lover that quickens my pulse and raises my body temperature and leaves me breathless.  The caress of a beloved, her soft, cool, slender fingers or his strong warm hands.  The soft place just above the hip that needs to be kissed and the smile that results.  The music of a loved one’s laughter and the sheer joy in knowing that I made them happy.

The fluid expressions on the face of an infant and the completely self-absorbed determination of a toddler testing the realization that they can impact their world. 

The soft steady breathing of a beloved as they sleep.  The quickening of the babe inside the womb, the warmth and weight of the newborn in the crook of my arm, the strength of my sons as I hug them as grown men.  The feeling of my daughters’ hair as I brush it with my hands, the indulgent smiles of my grown children when I tell them that they are beautiful and that I love them. 

The memory of all of these pleasures.  These are the lights, the treasures, the gifts of life.  These are why I am here and why I am grateful and happy to be.