I like boxes. I compartmentalize well. I like the sense of order that it gives me to have things all sorted and separated. Boxes within boxes, all neatly stored on shelves behind the closet door. Even my computer has documents in files, within files, within folders all neatly stored in one folder, not on my “desktop”. (In fact there is nothing on my desktop but an empty trash bin which is only there because it will not let me hide it in a closet)
My alters are like that, neat, ordered, symmetrical, balanced, expressing one idea, one type of energy or a balanced pair. They are a reflection of my inner structures. I am very good at distinguishing the many subtle shades of my different selves, my different roles and relationships. Even my relationships with one person can be compartmentalized into separate boxes.
I am an analytical person. Logic is a useful tool; it helps me to understand myself and others around me. Structure helps me to learn and to comprehend. Specific and clearly defined expectations, objective observation and communication, help me to navigate through my world and within my relationships.
Blurry edges make me uncomfortable. Cluttered and disorganized spaces, confused and vague ideas, irrational and ambiguous emotions, are obstacles to my ability to live securely and successfully. Chaos is a delicious but uneasy pleasure. And yet, on my spiritual path I strive to integrate the disparate parts of myself into a fluid and beautiful whole. From the Union of Polarities within me, to my recent experimental alter, incorporating many different objects, tools and symbols; working with them to see how they interact with each other, a magickal spider’s web, creating a new pattern out of seemingly chaotic elements.
Nature has an underlying structure and yet its profound beauty comes not from visible order or rigid form but rather from its free expression of life. Family trees resemble living beings, not geometric grids. My Gods do not fit neatly into a structured system. They are complicated and unique persons. Any system that accurately describes the human condition or the function of magick is as complicated as the equations used to describe the laws of physics or physiological processes; or the diagrams necessary to map a molecule or the genome of any species or; the musical score needed by an entire orchestra to perform a great symphony. The structures and forms are necessary and beautiful but, they are not simple nor easily sorted and separated.
I am learning how to integrate the complex and intricate internal structures that support life without imposing rigid external forms to separate and contain them. I am learning how to express them with more freedom and beauty. I am learning to become comfortable with blurring the edges.