I avoid “losing control”; indeed I am terrified of it. In ritual, in my dreams, when making love, in every aspect of my life I am “under control” or at least I pretend/convince myself/delude myself into believing that I am.
What that means in practical terms is that regardless of how I feel, or what I think, or what I desire to do, I do not act on it or speak of it. I maintain control over my thoughts, feelings, words, actions, self. It also means that I must never allow myself to be in an environment where anyone else is responsible for my safety or well-being.
I have been raised to believe that being in control is a virtue and that it is the only place that safety lies. That no one else can be trusted, or should be burdened, with responsibility for my welfare. “Self-indulgent, undisciplined, irresponsible, weak, selfish” these are words that describe being out of control. These are Failure. Failure is dangerous.
I have begun to realize that those beliefs have had an unbalanced affect on me and the way I have lived for most of my life. They have prevented me from expressing love, affection, desire, need, fear, doubt, anger, joy, grief, ideas, truths, lies, shadows or light. They have prevented me from engaging fully with the world, with my loved ones, or with my own magick.
I am a loving, giving, intelligent, compassionate, responsible and fiercely loyal person. You have no idea how difficult it was to write that, and how loudly my self-censoring voice is screaming at me right now to delete those words (because praising yourself is self-indulgent pride) but, when I began this experiment I vowed that I would not censor what I believe to be true (as difficult as it is to claim my own virtues) and above all else I try to be true to my vows.
It is not “losing control” to show someone love. It is not “losing control” to tell someone how much I value them or how beautiful they are. It is not being selfish to enjoy the sheer pleasure of making love to someone I desire. It is not being undisciplined to weep in ritual. It is not being irresponsible to trust someone else with my safety so that I can cross the thresholds and find my own magick. It is not being weak to call a friend when the dark night comes. It is not being self-indulgent to claim my power or to express my emotions or to voice ideas (even when they have not been tested and analyzed to the nth degree for proof against imperfections or flaws in logic).
Letting go of beliefs, and the thoughts and behaviors that result, when they no longer serve is not “losing control”. Letting go is a choice. Letting go can be the doorway to finding magick. Letting go is trust. I am trying very hard to learn how to let go. I give thanks for you for walking with me as I learn.