Thursday, December 20, 2012

Losing Control or Letting Go?

I avoid “losing control”; indeed I am terrified of it.  In ritual, in my dreams, when making love, in every aspect of my life I am “under control” or at least I pretend/convince myself/delude myself into believing that I am. 
What that means in practical terms is that regardless of how I feel, or what I think, or what I desire to do, I do not act on it or speak of it.  I maintain control over my thoughts, feelings, words, actions, self.  It also means that I must never allow myself to be in an environment where anyone else is responsible for my safety or well-being. 
I have been raised to believe that being in control is a virtue and that it is the only place that safety lies.  That no one else can be trusted, or should be burdened, with responsibility for my welfare.  “Self-indulgent, undisciplined, irresponsible, weak, selfish” these are words that describe being out of control.  These are Failure.  Failure is dangerous.
I have begun to realize that those beliefs have had an unbalanced affect on me and the way I have lived for most of my life.  They have prevented me from expressing love, affection, desire, need, fear, doubt, anger, joy, grief, ideas, truths, lies, shadows or light.  They have prevented me from engaging fully with the world, with my loved ones, or with my own magick. 
I am a loving, giving, intelligent, compassionate, responsible and fiercely loyal person. You have no idea how difficult it was to write that, and how loudly my self-censoring voice is screaming at me right now to delete those words (because praising yourself is self-indulgent pride) but, when I began this experiment I vowed that I would not censor what I believe to be true (as difficult as it is to claim my own virtues) and above all else I try to be true to my vows.
It is not “losing control” to show someone love.  It is not “losing control” to tell someone how much I value them or how beautiful they are.  It is not being selfish to enjoy the sheer pleasure of making love to someone I desire.  It is not being undisciplined to weep in ritual.  It is not being irresponsible to trust someone else with my safety so that I can cross the thresholds and find my own magick.  It is not being weak to call a friend when the dark night comes.  It is not being self-indulgent to claim my power or to express my emotions or to voice ideas (even when they have not been tested and analyzed to the nth degree for proof against imperfections or flaws in logic).
Letting go of beliefs, and the thoughts and behaviors that result, when they no longer serve is not “losing control”.  Letting go is a choice.  Letting go can be the doorway to finding magick.  Letting go is trust.  I am trying very hard to learn how to let go.  I give thanks for you for walking with me as I learn.


  1. I have found in my life that for me there is control in the sense of consciously deciding whether or not to do something there is the concept of control while one is doing something.

    To quote zen philosophy and martial arts training, when you eat eat, when you breathe breathe, when you strike strike. To paraphrase when ones does an action ones mind is completely in the action and not separate from it. This of course in the normal day usually not of much matter, though there of some of those who choose to take this into the extreme and try to understand why we do certain things ( unconscious actions and choices) or to be aware while one does things.

    This type of control is for me different from the control of "whether or not I am going to do a thing", because this type of control is dependent often on setting context and situation.

    They are related but not the same. One can release ones "social" control but still be "in control".

    1. Doug, For me the fear of losing control makes it impossible to decide to do anything. If I can understand the beliefs behind the behavior, the things I do without concious decision, then I can choose to reject those beliefs. The possibility of any decision to act or not is within my concious power and not prevented by fear or beliefs that do not serve my true Self.

  2. I found my self completely out of control yesterday. In a full blown nervous breakdown. I was weak. Overwhelmed with my own thoughts...I guess that is selfish. You are the Libra, the balance to my intense Scorpio. I wish I had your ability to have control. I Miss you too...and am looking forward to seeing you this Spring.

    1. My darling sister, My point is that those beliefs are not balanced or healthy. Never "losing control" is neither safe nor any way to actually live. It is too restrictive and I am trying very hard to break free and to learn how to let go. Balance is wonderful but you know that my "control" has kept me in a tomb of my own making for most of my life. I have always needed and benefitted from your intensity. I love you and I cannot wait to see you in April.

    2. You are a very brave woman, Diane and I am so proud of you. You have battled a demon that I still cower beneath. Losing control is unthinkable to me, your words mirror my thoughts. I fear not only the falsehood of being self-indulgent, but the greater fear of not being able to reign myself in after the explosion, or worse, hurting someone through the unleashing. I fear the sharp tongue that may release words that can not be taken back, or the physical strength of anger and rage. I fear the embarrassment of raccoon eyes after a cry. You are an amazing woman, a dear friend, and a beloved sister. Your path lights as you walk for you bring your inner beauty to each and every journey. I love you.

    3. tigs,

      I give Thanks for you my sister. You give me Strength through every step of my journey and I trust you more than I have words to say. I have been inspired by your battles and guided by your council and comforted by knowing you are always by my side.

      Blessings be upon you, Awenydd

  3. This is me, to a T! I try to never lose control. I don't drink or do drugs. I won't fly or get on amusement rides. It took me about 20 years to finally relinquish control in the bedroom.

    We are on this journey together.