When I finally came to this path, or returned to it, and I do believe that this was always the path I was meant to follow, I was almost dead. I think that is why I finally found the path. I needed to, without it I was done for this life.
I had silenced and shadowed and suppressed every natural and wild instinct I had, every magickal impulse, every source or expression of power, every hope my heart and soul and mind and body and spirit had ever had of living.
I can finally see now, that through all of it, I kept trying. I kept reaching and pushing and scratching and clawing, I kept trying through my childhood, through my adolescence, through my years of wandering the wasteland. Then, I found a book, and in that book I found a glimpse of what my path should be, what my life could be, and I finally began to let myself live.
It has taken another twenty-one years to fully emerge from that half-life of sleepwalking. Over that time I have slowly and painfully re-awakened much of myself. Each of the parts of myself had to be remembered and revived. Each of my chakras has had to be unlocked and brought out of a state of near-death. I feel as though I am finally ready to begin.
In attempting to see my whole self these past few weeks, I have discovered that the last part of me to awaken may be the most important, the most vital, the key to my strength and power. My sacral chakra is the one part of me that I have only recently begun to allow free expression and it is the place in my body that I most identify as myself, as “home”.
From my earliest memories, that part of me has never stopped striving to express itself, not to the world, but to myself. In allowing my source uncensored freedom to express and explore and experience, I have discovered that life has more depth, more vibrancy, more energy, more color and sound. Every sense I have, including my psychic senses, as well as my “sense of self” has been heightened. I have more energy to engage with others, with my work, with my life, with my writing and with my magick.
Each of my chakras, each of my parts, must be healthy and whole, free to express and experience life, to do the work of living. I cannot allow any of them to be silenced or shadowed if I am to complete my work. If I am to live the life I am meant to live. I give thanks for dear friends who have helped me to awaken and become more fully alive. Blessed be.