Sunday, September 22, 2013

The Shadow of Doubt

I have written about fear and anger.  I have found ways to overcome those obstacles in my life, a continuing battle no doubt but, I have faced them and will continue to do so.  But what about the large grey monster made of smoke?  The one that chokes me and silences me?  What about DOUBT?  Doubt is harder to vanquish.  It is insubstantial and difficult to see.  It arises just when you think you are doing well, from some side street to collide with your course and you never see it coming.

Some snarky little remark made by someone who knows little about you.  Or maybe a criticism made by someone you respect that was not intended to be taken as insult but was not offered with any constructive guidance, or corrective instruction.  These then fester in your mind and eventually you find yourself doubting everything you do.  Even your skills that you know are strong, even your service and love are dubious in value.

I find myself questioning and doubting my vision of my future.  I find myself questioning if I have anything of value to offer.  I find myself discounting my gifts and my commitment to service.  And I find myself in full shadow mode once again.

But my perspective of my shadows has changed.  The shadow is deeper than my doubts; it is deeper than my fears and deeper still than my anger and pain.  These things are part of the human condition but they are not the entirety of it.  Shadow is also that part of you that is in connection with things greater than yourself.  It is that part of you that can be greater than your own abilities in moments of magick, in moments of service. 

I will go to Ritual today with my Coven.  I will perform the role set before me with every part of me, shadow included, and do the very best that I am capable of and hopefully exceed my own abilities.  I will put my doubts aside in service to those that I love and ask the Gods to work through me to “get the job done”.  

I will remain committed to serving my community and I will continue to learn and improve my skills to serve them as they deserve.  And I will trust that the Gods will do what is necessary to make me capable of accomplishing that which they desire me to accomplish.  Doubt will sometimes rear its ugly visage but, it cannot prevent me from doing what I am called to do.  

Perfection is not required of any of us but rather the willingness to work and learn and honor our commitments.  Blessings of the Shadows be with us.


  1. Doubt shows up, according to a Christian theologian I have read, to give us an opportunity for rebuttal. Pretty much the same way that my lukewarm, reflexive request for civility in a child's complaints sometimes creates more clarity and passion in what the child says next. ('Clarity' and 'passion' being the important benefits.)

    I so appreciate what you're saying here. Also I note that sometimes 'Doubt' arises immediately after I've done something unfamiliar and difficult, and done it adequately (or even, well). As if some internal program (no doubt installed by an overcautious parent) needs to make sure I don't get 'too big for my britches' (that is, bigger than said parent imagines I 'ought' to be). But the truth is, I am MUCH bigger than my overprotective parent ever expected. As are you, my Precious.

  2. I just read this and thought of you:

    "Things far beyond what you may see yourself as capable of doing right now. When self-doubt tries to get in your way, take it as a sign that you’re on the right path, and pummel it into submission through the power of action, cuz remember…

    Self-doubt means just one thing: Go Forward.

    When the only thing louder than your army of critics is your own self-doubt screaming so loud in your ear you’re getting spit on your face, you know you’re onto something big."