Monday, October 8, 2012

Conjuring the Dragon

Of all the monsters in my closet, the biggest and the scariest are also the ones most completely a part of me.  Doubt is a huge creature of dark grey smoke with no real substance but, who chokes and silences me.  Fear is a giant, cold, black, slimy monster that cripples me by wrapping himself around me and preventing me from acting.  Anger is the largest and scariest of all.  He is a dark red dragon covered in scales and spines with large sharp teeth, and he breaths fire.  He would destroy me completely as well as everyone and everything in my world.  And so, the title of this post, “Conjuring the Dragon”. 
Shouldn’t that be “Conquering the Dragon”?  No, I don’t think so, because I haven’t conquered him.  I have avoided him and hidden him and hidden from him.  I have silenced him and ignored him and locked him in a box and locked him in the back of my closet.  I have been afraid of him and bewildered by him and haunted by him. 
When I was about ten I expressed anger once by striking another person.  I was humiliated and ashamed by my action and have never used physical violence again.  Instead I learned to use words to verbally hurt others.  I take no pride in it now but, at one time I was very proud of my ability to find words that would strike at the heart of my chosen target and wound them most affectively.
 I believe that verbal violence and magickal violence are just as reprehensible as physical violence.  But when I am in pain and the rage builds inside my heart, holding that rage is more painful than anything I can imagine.  Refusal to express anger is also one of the most insidious causes of depression, and I cannot do that any longer.  At this moment, I am not experiencing pain or anger, but I know that they are a part of human experience and so, I am attempting to figure out a safe and healthy way to embrace and express those realities when they again visit my heart. 
Three weeks ago while doing my Dark Moon practice, my Patron insisted that the Red Dragon is a part of me.  I denied this but he insisted that I must begin working with Him.   So I began mediating on the Dragon.
Two weeks ago I was in a great deal of pain and very, very angry.  I spoke to my High Priestess and sought her council.  I confessed my intense desire to curse those responsible for my pain. (It helps to admit, out loud, what you desire and to commit, out loud, to living according to your ethics.) She bore witness to my commitment and then spoke to me about the nature of the anger and pain.  She pointed out that it was energy, and just like any energy, could be used constructively.  The challenge was to find a safe and healthy and ethical way to express it.  She gave me something safe that I could pour the energy into so that it would be nullified, and it helped, but it is not a permanent solution.
The answer I believe lies in the Dragon Himself.  I am finally learning to know Him. I am building a relationship with Him.  He is a part of me and my ally and we are “making friends” of each other.  I am finally able to acknowledge where He comes from, His source in my life; and to realize that He would not destroy me or anyone or anything else in my life.  He can help me to not hide my face, to stand, sword in hand, and refuse to be conquered.
He is my protector and is here to help me maintain my commitment to my ethics.  He is with me to help me to live a life of honor, valor and integrity.  He will help me to speak regardless of my doubt, to act regardless of my fear, to love and to dare and to be known.  He is not anger but its energy is a part of Him. He can help me to use its energy to express my true will.
And so, I Conjure the Dragon. He will stand beside me and behind me and neither of us will be conquered. For Him, I Give Thanks!