The mysteries...

For the past month I have been focused on trying to understand some of the secrets my shadow keeps from my conscious self.  In that time I have been dreaming incessantly.  It has been very disconcerting and has had me more than a little spooked.  At one point I did not sleep for three days.

One of my beloveds has suffered a loss and is grieving.  My heart breaks for this dear one and I weep for them often.  One of my beloveds has begun a new adventure and I rejoice for their excitement and new life.

I spent a wonderful October morning walking in the woods with my sister and High Priestess “solving the problems of the universe”. And an evening under the full moon around the fire with community, wanting to climb out of my own skin.

I attended the beautiful wedding of two cherished young people and was greatly moved by their love for each other and that of their family and friends.   The desire and hope for that kind of happiness was rekindled inside my soul and I hold onto my faith that it is possible with every bit of tenacity that I possess.

I have discovered a young poet who moves me with his voice and his eloquence and his passion more than I can describe because I cannot reach such heights as he although his words lift me up to breathtaking crescendos. 

And my beloved granddaughter was born eight weeks early.

My reactions to all of these things seem to me to be out of all proportion.  My immense joy at the birth of the first of her generation of my bloodline is overwhelming.  My heart seems to be exponentially smaller than it needs to be to hold the love I have for her tiny self.  And although she is very little in the physical sense, she is larger than the entire solar system in my other perceptions.  She also seems to have the magickal power to cause me to time travel.  I find myself reliving her mother’s birth and the pain of separation and all of the “might have been”s that we leave behind in order to live in the present and walk into the future.  And time travel seems to flow in both directions at once.  I feel as though forty-five years is not nearly enough time to love her enough, to teach her enough, to become the woman I want to be for her. 

Dreams and desires, grief and adventure, love and passion, birth and separation, time travel and death.  These are the mysteries and these are the shadows.  These are the lights and the beauty that may be found in the dark nights and sunny days. 

May the blessings of both be with us all as we travel through the dark of the year.

Ancestors and ancestors

Many Pagans of many persuasions honor or worship “the Ancestors”.  And many feel no connection at all to the ancestors of their families, their blood.  While I absolutely respect their feelings on this as it applies to them, I feel a very strong connection not only to “the Ancestors” but to my own blood ancestors. 

The Ancestors of our Greater Earth, the Spiritual Ancestors, the Fae and the Animal Spirits, the Gods, are Ancestors to all of us on this Earth.  And I honor them and even “worship” them in offering them my love and my service and in asking for their guidance, blessings and protection.

But I am not only spirit.  I am all parts of me.  In this incarnation I am a physical being and as a result I have a mind, heart, soul, shadows and a body.  All of these are a part of who I am in this life.  My body is made of cells and each one of those carries within it the DNA of my blood ancestors, of my family. I believe that blood, that DNA, has as much to do with the way my heart and mind work as with the color of my hair and the color of my eyes.  I believe that my soul is as affected by that blood as my body is.

I also believe that my purpose in this life, in my past and future lives, is not only to evolve as a spiritual being and a part of the “Greater Earth’, but to evolve my family’s fate.  I am here to continue the work to resolve the shadows my family, my blood, has carried forward through generations.  I am here to help guide my children and their children to improve our family’s Wyrd as well as their own spiritual beings.

I am all parts of me and my blood and my soul are not on separate paths.  I walk into the future carrying (or dragging if necessary) my entire bloodline with me. 

May the blessings of the Ancestors and of my ancestors be upon me as I do so.

Exploring the Other Side

I have started another blog to explore gender, sexuality and identity.  I welcome you to join me there if you wish.  

http://exploringthelookingglass.blogspot.com/

This blog will continue to remain on point about my spiritual journey.

Exploring sexuality is not separate from spirituality, and indeed my spiritual journey has lead me to that exploration.  

Blessings on each of you as we enter the dark of the year.

Longing for the Shadows

Pathways by Susan Seddon Boulet

I miss the shadows.  I have committed to not dwelling there, only two short visits are allowed to me until the spring.   I do not want to go back, nor is that truly possible but, I am a creature of the light and the shadow and I feel as though I have been living in exile.  I long to return to my Patron, to rest in the arms of Himself, to not have to be strong, to not have to be brave, to just be small and silent and still and unseen for a while.  I long for the comfort of being held and cared for by Him who makes me safe.  I long to go wandering in the land of shadows, to go exploring in the sparkling depths of night, when the world is sleeping and I can fly through the dark sky among the stars, silent and invisible.  I long for the time when my exile will be ended and I may choose to dwell as long as I wish in either shadow or light, when I can work in whatever place seams best to me to accomplish that which I desire.  I will not hide there again in fear but rather I would choose to rest there, to learn, to be reborn, to listen and maybe to see that which cannot be seen in the full, bright light of day.  Growth happens in the dark, so does dreaming.  I miss the dream-world of shadow.  

Making Plans

Yesterday was my birthday.  It was a beautiful day.  I spent it with Pwca in my tree-house.  I spent it organizing my possessions and my closets.  I spent it re-setting my alters.   I spent it gathering things to take to the thrift store.  I spent it evaluating my goals and visions for my future.  I spent it re-imagining my life. I spent it making plans.

In the past, those plans would present themselves as lists of things to do and accomplish over the next year and the next five years and the next ten years. This year it is not so much a list as it is a dream.  There are a few specific events I wish to attend, one or two short term goals, one or two long term goals.  But mostly it is a very sketchy outline of things I want to begin, things that I intend and hope for. 

It allows for things unknown, unexpected, beyond my control.  It assumes course corrections. It expects possibilities that I do not know.  Much like the story I am writing, I have hints in my peripheral vision but I no longer need to plot out every step of my future path.  

I hope to fall in love someday, but I have no idea about the who or the when or the how.  My intent is to be open to allowing it to happen and my hope is that I will recognize it when it does.   There is no planning for that nor, I suspect, for the most beautiful things that life can bring. 

Without some detailed plan, without the “lists”, the only thing to do is to live, to keep the vision in my mind and allow it to change and evolve as I do the work in front of me.  To live according to my intentions and to be open and ready as each lesson, as each opportunity presents itself.  To do as my heart leads me and as my soul dictates in each moment along the way and to have faith that doing so will lead to the place the gods will at the time I need to get there. 

This is a new way of looking at my future for me.  It is not so likely to result in failure either, because the dream is allowed to evolve and is expected to change, there is no expectation of perfection, but rather more room for following intuition.   I think it also allows for me to be more responsive to listening to shadow, and responding to it in a healthy manner rather than simply hiding or becoming the shadows themselves. 

So this year I will follow the ever-shifting vision instead of the “plan”.  Blessings of the Gods be upon me as I discover where it will lead me.  Blessed Be.

Star Navigation

My Patroness is a Star Goddess, a Goddess of Fate and Destiny.  She is The Keeper of the Silver Wheel of Stars.  I had always avoided the study of Astrology because of its complexity, but during the work of my first degree, it finally occurred to me that Arianrhod might have lessons for me and that there might be clues to those lessons in my natal chart.

And so I began to study the basics of the language and began learning my chart.  I have been learning about myself through this endeavor for four and a half years and I am still a novice.  I suspect that I will be a novice at this art for the rest of my life.

 

Fortunately I have an Elder, Priest and Friend who is an adept at this stellar language and at interpreting it and helping me to navigate through the currents of my life, through the currents of energy that affect me, through the lessons, and through the opportunities.  He also helps me to learn the language a little better and therefore to understand myself a little bit better.

I went to see my Elder the day after my second degree initiation.  He read the star charts for the coming year and helped me to plot a course.  He told me what to pay attention to and what to look out for and what opportunities would present themselves for me to accomplish the work that I needed and wanted to accomplish this year.

Seven months have passed and they have been full of lessons and growth and transformation.  And all of it has been easier to navigate and been more productive because I have not been fighting against but, rather working with and accommodating the energy currents affecting me. 

Monday is my birthday and I am taking 9 days off of work (required vacation time).  I am taking the time now, because my birthday is a time when I evaluate and make plans and because my body has settled into the changes from the initiation and I can begin to make long term plans.  But mostly because the currents affecting me right now make me more likely to light something or someone on fire, myself or someone I love.  It seemed prudent to take time away from any external source of pressure. 

Because of my current energetic predisposition, my Elder advised me to take particular care of my body, and I am following his advice.  I am getting plenty of sleep, more than I normally would (and I regularly get eight hours a night).  I am paying close attention to my blood sugar and being more disciplined and thoughtful about eating regularly and better than I normally do.  I am drinking less coffee everyday (and if I have never mentioned it, coffee is my favorite vice of all time). And I am avoiding alcohol for now as well (although I drink very seldom, at times like these it is best to not drink at all).

My point in all of this is that, it helps.  This past Saturday evening I had a small storm of self-doubt.  It was not fun but it was short lived because I was aware of the external energy possibly affecting my emotional state and because my body was well grounded thanks to the advice I was given.  Last night when I turned out the lights to go to sleep, I was bombarded by anger and the desire to set fire (verbally) to someone I love.  It was painful and lasted about an hour but, it did not last longer than that and I did not act on the impulse because “if it is important enough, it will wait”.  I recognized the affects of the energy again and let it go.  It was easier to do that having been given fair warning and having taken good care of my body.

In the next few months I will have a great deal of work to do regarding my initiation and I have worked very hard to be ready to face all of the lessons about to visit themselves upon me.  I will face them when they come but before that, I have an opportunity to create changes in the structure of my daily life that will be lasting.

So I will, with purpose, change the way that I eat, the amount of coffee I drink, and I will rid myself of a life-long addiction.  (My coming grandchild gives me the reason and the coming transit will give me the assistance I need to give up my smoking habit).  I will replace that habit with a new one, yoga. I will strengthen my daily practice by restructuring my daily and weekly routine. 

I have a vision for my future and I will do the work I need to do to allow it to happen.  It helps to have the stars and a really good navigator to help chart the course.  Blessings upon my Elder, Priest and Friend, Ivo Dominguez Jr.  

The Shadow of Doubt

I have written about fear and anger.  I have found ways to overcome those obstacles in my life, a continuing battle no doubt but, I have faced them and will continue to do so.  But what about the large grey monster made of smoke?  The one that chokes me and silences me?  What about DOUBT?  Doubt is harder to vanquish.  It is insubstantial and difficult to see.  It arises just when you think you are doing well, from some side street to collide with your course and you never see it coming.

Some snarky little remark made by someone who knows little about you.  Or maybe a criticism made by someone you respect that was not intended to be taken as insult but was not offered with any constructive guidance, or corrective instruction.  These then fester in your mind and eventually you find yourself doubting everything you do.  Even your skills that you know are strong, even your service and love are dubious in value.

I find myself questioning and doubting my vision of my future.  I find myself questioning if I have anything of value to offer.  I find myself discounting my gifts and my commitment to service.  And I find myself in full shadow mode once again.

But my perspective of my shadows has changed.  The shadow is deeper than my doubts; it is deeper than my fears and deeper still than my anger and pain.  These things are part of the human condition but they are not the entirety of it.  Shadow is also that part of you that is in connection with things greater than yourself.  It is that part of you that can be greater than your own abilities in moments of magick, in moments of service. 

I will go to Ritual today with my Coven.  I will perform the role set before me with every part of me, shadow included, and do the very best that I am capable of and hopefully exceed my own abilities.  I will put my doubts aside in service to those that I love and ask the Gods to work through me to “get the job done”.  

I will remain committed to serving my community and I will continue to learn and improve my skills to serve them as they deserve.  And I will trust that the Gods will do what is necessary to make me capable of accomplishing that which they desire me to accomplish.  Doubt will sometimes rear its ugly visage but, it cannot prevent me from doing what I am called to do.  

Perfection is not required of any of us but rather the willingness to work and learn and honor our commitments.  Blessings of the Shadows be with us.