The Ring

For two days now I have been wearing a ring on my left hand.  It is gold and thick with an oval faceted aquamarine, smaller squares of amethyst and topaz and a very small diamond set in a trace of silver.  It is not like any ring I own nor of a style that I would ever choose, and yet I cannot bring myself to take it off. 

I found it in a jewelry box on a dresser in a bedroom of a woman who died two years, four months and ten days ago.  It is not the only possession of hers that I left with.  There were books on the bookshelf in her sitting room that I took with me because she and I shared a love for the mysteries of life and a belief in magick.  And my oldest friend chose for me a broach that she said was supposed to be with me. (It is silver with rainbow crystals and a woman kneeling holding a crystal ball)

There were two prints on the wall on either side of her bedroom door  by an artist (now sadly also deceased)  whose work graces the walls of my home as well.  The woman who lived in the space suffered from the debilitations of MS and eventually withered and died from cancer and yet the energy in her rooms was bright and joyous and full of life.   Her parents have not yet packed things away, the only changes are the absence of things chosen by her many friends to take home as a way of having some of her energy with them.  

After over two years the life and love that was her soul and spirit shines brightly in that place.  There are still small spells of healing and love sitting on the shelf next to her bed.  I wanted to sit there and talk with her but, she is no longer there.  As her father said with a smile both sad and sweet in a voice full of love and admiration, “She is now a part of the mystery.” 

One of the reasons that the ring is so appealing to me is that it seems to have an energy about it that reminds me of the active principle that I have been trying to cultivate in my life.  The beautiful woman who owned it was not a passive person.  She loved actively; she put her energy into the world in an active way.  Not overtly but never passive, never idle, never self-absorbed.  Even while she was terminally ill she would go to visit the elderly “to cheer them up”.  She would go and sit all night in a chair beside a friend in the hospital.  When she could no longer work because of the MS she volunteered at the Botanical Gardens, surrounding herself with life and light and beauty, and actively sharing that with others.

That is what I want my life to be.  I want to be actively engaged in the beauty around me.  I want to love others in a way that shines light and love into their lives.  I want the spaces I inhabit, both my rooms and the places in others lives, to be so full of joy and  light that it will persist long after I cross over, so that others will want to spend time there enjoying the healing and loving magick that I create.

She was a beautiful woman and I know she is still shining.  I give thanks for her example and the inspiration she has given me.

On Being Female

I stood before the Gods, naked and with no veil around my eyes.  They held my chalice, a piece of pottery that I bought for $4 at a thrift store.  It leans a little and is rough and still resembles mud on the outside, the inside is a beautiful blood red with flecks of other colors.  I think the potter who made it considered it too imperfect to sell and so discarded it.  It is the most perfect thing I own because of its imperfections.  It is the tool with which I most strongly identify.

I am very fortunate in that my body has always felt like a true expression of my inner self.  My true identity has never been in conflict with the body that it inhabits.  Don’t get me wrong, there have been moments when I have wished my body were different.  When I was a child I wanted curly blond hair and blue eyes.  As an adolescent I wished that my breasts were larger. I have always wanted to be a graceful dancer and a strong and capable athlete.

It would be nice if I didn’t have scoliosis or one femur that is a half inch shorter than the other.  Diabetes is a bitch sometimes especially because I have a sweet-tooth and my relationship to food is not what the Gods might want it to be.  I have a few scars and stretch marks and at 47 there are times when the things I want to do will result in pain.  And I am still not a graceful dancer or a strong and capable athlete.

But my womb has borne fruit, my breasts have produced milk (though I do regret that I did not nurse my babes at my breasts, those were choices that I made.)  I have felt my children moving inside me.  My womb does not define me and yet, it has allowed me to accomplish the greatest thing that I can imagine. 

My body is imperfect like my chalice, and yet both are beautiful.  It is who I am.  It teaches me and allows me to engage with the world in which I live.  It has tattoos that mark the most profound moments of my life.  It is capable of giving and receiving great pleasure and of nurturing those I love and of healing others.  And it allows me to truly exist in the moment and be fully present.

So when I stood before my Gods to convince them that I understood the energy my chalice represents, the principles of form, stillness, silence, the feminine, I told them that it was everything that I am, all that I have ever done and hoped for and it was the truth.  They asked if I understood its depth, and my answer was that it is as deep as my very being, my blood, my heart, my womb, my body, and it is beautiful.

The Dark God, the Sage, demanded that I look into his eyes. He challenged weather or not I was willing to carry the light inside me and be seen, if I was ready to step onto the path, to form my life, if I deserved to.  I told Him that I was willing, that I was ready and that Yes, I deserve to be seen, that I am beautiful, and it was the truth.

When I performed the inner Great Rite, filling my chalice with the feminine energy within me was easy and natural (even graceful).  The energy was strong and full and flowed without any disruption.  Projecting the Masculine Polarity into my blade however was less graceful.  It felt awkward, unfamiliar, and less focused.  There was a moment when I was not completely sure that I had indeed accomplished the task.  But the energies did in fact unite and expand, though it was undeniably unbalanced in favor of the feminine, it did indeed become more than two separate things.  Like blue and yellow blending to create a lovely peridot green, but definitely not equal in their parts, not emerald. 

And that is ok.  I learned something.  I learned that as a human being, both exist within me. I learned that I need to practice strengthening and expressing the active principle within me. I learned that expressing something that is a part of me will improve with practice, will become more natural, more focused, more graceful, more familiar.   

Why, you might ask, should I need to learn to express the Masculine when I am so very content to be female?  Because it is a part of me and because it is a gift that can be used to serve others.  Male or Female, (weather our bodies agree with our true selves or not, weather we love men or women or men and women, weather we are men or women) we are all Human.  The Polarities exist within all of us.  They have very little to do with gender, and everything to do with living.  I may find the one easier to access but, I think that has more to do with my spirit than with my body and nothing at all to do with what the world thinks I am.

I am me.  And I am learning and I am beautiful.

In the Kingdom of Earth

In the Kingdom of the Earth, I met with the Father and the Mother.  They asked me about the keys and pointed out that I could lock or unlock anything I chose.  That all was within my own will to choose, Light or Shadow, the keys were simply reminders, the choice, the locks, the doors are within me. Then the veil was removed from around my eyes and I was confronted with my task, the Inner Great Rite, the Union of Polarities within myself.

First, I had to face the Goddesses, the Maiden, the Mother and the Crone. They held my blade and I needed to convince them that I understood the energy it holds, the principles of force and action and sound. In order to claim it, I needed to prove to Them that I was worthy and capable of wielding it. 

The first thought that entered my dazed mind was “They can’t expect me to wrestle them for it!” complete with the visual image that entails. I have a slightly dry sense of irony that serves as my sense of humor at odd moments.  So having discarded a physical act of force as inappropriate, as well as completely futile, I chose to show my understanding of the active, masculine principle through sound.  

In the next moment everyone present regretted my choice, me most of all.  I made a sound so completely dreadful that I almost wished to never make another sound for as long as I live…or at least for the next year or so.  It was loud and had absolutely no power and it broke off horribly at the end.  Despite my complete mortification however I could not turn back. (Besides I would never be able to wrestle my blade from the three of them.)  So, I tried again, and failed again. 

I had nothing left inside…there was no power behind my attempt because I had left everything I had upstairs.  That is when I again began to rely on daily practice.  I made myself still inside and took one long slow deep breath.  That one breath is the consolidation of something I have practiced every day for years now.  It is a practice of filling and connecting. 

Finally, I made a sound that didn’t make me want to crawl into a hole in the floor.  It didn’t have a lot of volume, and it was a slightly higher pitch but, it had power behind it and it held.  And again, and again it had power and again it held.  The Goddesses required that I claim my talents every day.  “I am good at words and truth and sometimes beauty.”  They granted me my blade and I turned to face the Gods and claim my chalice.

The Temple of Light

At the top of the Tower, in the Temple of Light

Surrounded by air filled with color, rose and pale yellow like the sky at dawn in winter snowfall, a million shades of gold and green, then blue and lavender and violet, the indigo and purple of twilight in summer.

Clear sound dancing in ever-expanding spirals around me in all the colors of light.

Flooded with Light so brilliant it touches my retinas through closed lids and the veil tied around them.

He asks me if I know Him, and I do.  He is my sons and my brothers and my childhood friend.  He asks if I remember Wild Abandon, Adventure and Fun, Unbridled Passion and Joy, the Excitement of Places Unexplored.  I do remember Him.

He asks me why I abandoned Him.  My heart breaks.  My fear has caused me to abandon this Beautiful One, this Cherished One.

She tells me to look into the mirror of my mind; She is the one I left behind.  She asks if I am ready to risk all to step into the light, to embrace the child I was and shine like the Sun.

I am; this is why I have climbed this Tower, why I have taken this Journey so far from that place I have lived until now.  I do not want to remain unseen anymore. 

They challenge me to open, to abandon fear, to shine brighter and brighter.  My heart opens and then my voice and I try to match the sound of the spiraling colors of light dancing around me.  I am commanded to declare myself as light.

My mind searches for truth it can grasp hold of, and finds moments from recent memory, touch-stones of joy, evidence that Light is there within me. It also finds words from daily practice…

I am golden, glowing, shimmering, shining, sparkling stardust.  I am Sunlight on the meadow and Moonlight on the path.  I am a star shining in the night sky and the planets dancing in a crown of stars.  I am the Goddess and the God, and I am me.

They ask why I still carry the chains of my shadows and I realize I can let them fall away.  I am as filled with light as I am capable of being, and when they tell me to fly, I feel as if I might fly off the top of the tower and into the Sun itself, Icarus without wings, flight without the fall.

I am given keys, one to Shadows and one to Light, and am lead back down to the Kingdom, to the Earth that is my Home.

As day-light begins to grow and life begins to push upwards, striving to emerge from inside the ice, from beneath the earth, I have been spending time in the Temple of Light and will continue to do so.  I have so much to explore and to remember and to practice.  And yes, having fun takes practice, play takes practice, flying takes practice, as does filling yourself with light and sound and color…and light has so many colors.  I am hoping to make a lasting change in the way I function.  To rebuild my internal structures so light and shadow can exist and play together in balance within me. 

May your life be blessed by the beauty of new light and new life and new magick.

May the shadows be a place of rest and comfort, may you enjoy the balance and the beauty of both.

Blessed be.

Climbing the Stairs

Having crossed the barrier of fire and ice, the Tower that is my familiar vehicle and my comfortable and reliable haven was locked to me and I was lead into the abyss that is the “Dark Night of the Soul”.  Every connection I have was severed, removed, separated from me until I was utterly alone.  I was not left there however.  I was lead out of that dark, cold, grey wasteland to a place where grass grew under my feet, thicker and thicker until I came to the place of beginning.  I was told that I needed to climb a new Tower.  A Tower made of crystal and light rather than stone.   

As I began to climb, whispered challenges floated to me from voices that I could not be sure were truly there.  And then the Voice of the Crone, clear and undeniable, demanded to know why I had chosen to hide in shadows, and when and why I had made that choice.  I told her that it was safe and comforting to be hidden, to be invisible and therefore untouchable.  That in the shadows no one can see my defect, or be damaged by it, or use it to hurt me, or reject me for it.  She challenged me to name it.  “need, anger, confusion, pleasure, shame, fear”  She gave me chains to carry; I think those were their names.  She released me and I began to climb again and the whispers returned.

The Dark God, the Sage, Commanded me to stop, and the whispers were suddenly silent.  His hands were immediately around my throat and at that moment I should have been terrified but, I do not remember being afraid.  I remember feeling safe.  I remember feeling that in the hands of My God, I could not be anything other than safe and protected.  I remember feeling very calm and still and quiet, and I remember swearing an oath in my heart that I would not fail Him.  He challenged me to remember who I was before I chose to hide in shadows and at first I could not.  I had to look for it but, finally I found the child there in the past, in the light, and He released me to continue on my ascent and the whispers returned as I climbed the stairs until I reached the top.

 I have spent the past few weeks remembering the person I was when I was eight.  I can remember many of the things that I thought were fun, and how I loved my brothers, and mud and cleaning my closet (I loved to collect things and hide them in boxes in my closet, I suppose Saturn has always been my friend)   How I dreamed of dancing and how I loved making costumes out of scarves (I still have a beautiful scarf collection)  I really am the same person, I still love the same things and I have promised to play a lot more from now on. 

I have also spent time being the person I was when I was nine.  I have relived and remembered the things that happened.  I have re-thought with my nine year old rational, logical brain the conclusions and decisions I had come to then.  I have re-examined the evidence from then and from the past six months (I give thanks for friends that have taught me that it is safe to touch and be touched) and have been able to come to more accurate conclusions and a better approximation of truth.  This has not been a time of trauma but, of healing my Self, my mind, my beliefs.  This has been a time of rediscovering the whole person that I have always been and the beauty of my own soul, at eight, and at nine and at forty-seven.

The God and the Goddess required that I return to that place and time and so I have.  Now it is time to face the light.  May I go forth Shining.

Pausing in Silence

I am continuing to process and things are beginning to take root but, I am not ready to write about it yet.  I am pausing in silence while life begins to emerge from the well and I hope to tell you some wonderful stories soon.

In the meanwhile, my first article has been posted on Witchvox and I would like to share it with you so;

http://www.witchvox.com/va/dt_va.html?a=uspa&c=words&id=15321

I will be doing my Dark Moon Ritual tonight.  Join me if it pleases you.

Thank you for walking this journey with me.  Blessings be upon you.

Awenydd

Beginning...

I have been attempting to process my Initiation Ritual for the past week.  It was overwhelmingly powerful and profoundly transforming.  The immensity of it is going to take a long time to comprehend and to integrate.  There were so many lessons, so many words and images that it feels as though I spent years on that journey.   

I am trying to allow it to settle in and plan the work I need to do one step at a time.  Right now I wait for the Sun to melt the ice and for life to slowly emerge.  I have been reliving moments I spent in preparation calling upon all of my connections to be there with me to protect me, to guide my steps and my words to give me strength for the labor, for the delivery, for the giving birth to myself as a new person.

The thing is, now I can see that it was my Coven that gave birth to me and my Community that stood with them, stood for me, to midwife my rebirth, not just witness it.  It is my task to thrive as this new person.  To grow and to learn to walk and to speak, to work magick and to live a life more full, more conscious, happier, with greater purpose and intent and with love and light and a true union of the polarities that exist within me. 

The second degree in my tradition is a transition from Witch to Priestess.  If I am to serve my Coven, my Tradition, my community, those who walk this path with me, I must experience the fullness of this magickal life.  How can I help someone else find healing if I do not heal my own wounds?  How can I help another to embrace their own light if I continue to hide in the shadows?  I need not forsake the shadows or the twilight or the beauty or the magick to be found there.  But, there is magick and power in the bright light and if I remain in fear, hiding from that power, I neglect the gifts that the Gods would give me access to that I might serve others.  You cannot guide someone where you have never traveled.

 I Give Thanks and I ask you to brave this journey into the Bright Light of Truth and Adventure with me.  The light can be a bit blinding when you are accustomed to shadow but, there are wonders to be found there too.  I know this because the God and Goddess told me so, and showed me the truth of it and the fearful brilliance of that which can be found if we dare to look.  The light of a million stars exists within us…